One piece of advice that is frequently repeated to people who are bashful or afraid of approaching members of the opposite sex is "be confident" or "just don't care."

The idea seems sound. If you go into an interaction with no expectations for the outcome, then you will not be nervous about whether you fail or succeed.

In practice, it seems rather difficult to apply this advice, though. One possible way, I suppose would be cognitive behavioural therapy. (That's a $10 phrase that basically means consciously arguing down your irrational fears.) Aside from sitting at the bar and giving oneself a formal, therapeutic pep talk, does anybody have any practical advice for boosting confidence or "not caring?"

When the desire to connect exceeds the fear of approaching someone it will be easier.

Yep....while sitting at the bar giving ones self a pep talk also give ones self a few shots of whiskey!! Soon you will have all the confidence you need....

Just be yourself. If you do that and you're happy with who you are as a person, you should already be confident and if the other person doesn't like you, so what. Not everyone will like you so it's no big deal.

?

<quote> Sincereman51 wrote:
Just be yourself. If you do that and you're happy with who you are as a person, you should already be confident and if the other person doesn't like you, so what. Not everyone will like you so it's no big deal. </quote>

This is, unfortunately, just the sort of advice that I have difficulty putting into practice. Perhaps it is true that I SHOULD be confident already, but the fact of the matter is: I am not. Perhaps this is abnormal, although I have a notion that a lot more people feel this way than one would guess from hanging out in clubs or bars.

What's the secret to getting out of this rut? To use somebody else's term, should I "fake it until I make it?" Can I practice "pretending" to be confident until it just becomes part of who I am?

(Maybe I would need a professional to answer this one.) Do you think that my lack of confidence stems from a core dislike of myself? You suggest that if I'm happy with who I am, then confidence should come naturally. If I am not confident, in your opinion, does that mean that I am suppressing self-dissatisfaction?

it's exactly what sincere said. if you try to put on a facade, we're gonna know it and it's gonna annoy us. believe me, i've been there before....god is it ever annoying. be honest

Maybe instead of going to bars and being fake, you should stay home and work on yourself. Please don't take that as a put down in any way. I'm just saying that I think that alot of people who are shy and not confident just don't know themselves all that well.

OR

I guess you can go to the bars and clubs and fake it and you may in fact meet people but those people won't know the "real" you just the fake one that you made up.

Ever hear "you can't really love someone else until you love yourself"?

Am I rambling again? Damn it

I'm honestly too afraid to get up off my bar stool to walk over and start a conversation. Are you saying that I should just stay where I am?

i've had confidence issues before myself. what i've done is focus on my strong qualities. even if it means writing them down. don't dwell on the weaknesses, even though they can be a strength down the road.

By the way, when I say "fake it," I don't mean to say that I would put on a phony persona. What I mean is that no matter how afraid I was, no matter how much my bowels were quaking with anxiety, that I would carry out the conversation. And then, afterward, I'd go throw up in the bathroom if I needed to, but at least I'd have practiced conversing with a stranger, like a normal person.

I'm saying that maybe you should gain confidence by understanding more about yourself and learning that you are just as good as the next guy in the bar. It sounds like you're full of self-doubt in those situations.

if you want to talk to them. TALK to them. if your nervous, BE HONEST AND TELL THEM.

Sincereman51, it is absolutely true that I doubt myself when it comes to approaching a stranger. It just seems like completely unnatural behaviour to me. I'm aware of my strengths and I'm pretty sure I'm as good as the next guy, but I feel bizarre talking to a stranger. It's not even like it's ME being rejected, really, because whomever I'm trying to talk to doesn't know who I am. I just have a hard time overcoming the notion that I am going to seem like a crazy man trying to strike up a conversation with somebody I don't know. (It's not as easy as just saying to my rational self that everybody else does it, so it can't be THAT crazy. I'm a stubborn cuss.)

Try not going up to them with a date mindset. Just go talk just to talk, and no other reason. And it doesn't even have to be a long conversation, just casual and short. Ask them to pass you something down the counter, or make a comment about something on the TV. Whatever you can do to take the pressure off yourself and make the conversation as casual as possible.

That'd be my advice imo.

Well, my only other idea would be to put yourself in a different atmosphere than a bar or club. Join a group or take a class that interests you. That way, you will interact with others in a way that isn't nearly as difficult as walking up to a stranger in a bar.

good luck you stubborn cuss haha.

I had a bit of a breakthrough on this notion this weekend. I learned to apply an old word to a new situation and it may help me. I don't think that it's possible to fake confidence or to talk oneself into it. On the upside, I don't think that confidence is the right idea. You can't judge confidence in a five-minute chat.

The word, I think, that should be used in place of confidence is audacity or boldness. The point is to be interesting and memorable. I may be nervous as hell, but I can say something that won't easily be forgotten. At this point, I'm not the slightest bit concerned with whether or not what I'm saying is comfortable. Comfort is not memorable. I'd rather ask a girl if she likes Russian literature or what her favourite opera is, shock her a little, and have her think about me later.

The key difference is the goal. If your out to get laid, it's easy to fail. If your objective is to carry a decent conversation, and make her smile at least 3 times... that goal is much easier to attain. Less stress.

Also, this will sound DUMB (maybe even crazy), but it WORKS. Try some role-playing. Think of an idealized version of yourself, get the character worked out, and just try it on one night. Seriously, you will not believe how effective this is until you try it. It's so cheesy and fun that you won't have time to be nervous. Set aside a weekend as practice. Go someplace you don't normally go, and never have to come back too if you don't want. It's not even lying, people's personalities have many different sides.

If your not sure what I mean by roleplaying an idealized version of yourself... hmm, the closest thing I can think of would be a RedDwarf reference: Ace Rimmer

When you're crippled by fear, a little dissociation can be very healthy.
It Works

PS: Someone said women can spot a faker...well yeah the BAD ones lol. There's plenty of women on this site who say they've been fooled hook, line and sinker (repeatedly). Not saying that's the way to be all the time, but it's a great confidence building exercise. Baby-steps bro, you'll get there.

PPS: They can definitely smell confidence in WAY UNDER 5 minutes. Might help to check out some web pages on male body language, you might be sending a lot of signals you aren't even aware of. You have to remember, attraction is wired into a brain chemistry that hasn't changed in 40,000 years. Much of it completely bypasses rational thought (why smart women who want nice guys end up chasing scumbags)