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| Topic: Relationship Rules with Friends Of The Opposite Sex ? | |
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Edited by
peggy122
on
Tue 05/17/16 03:17 AM
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What are your guidelines for your partner regarding their interactions with the opposite sex? eg Do you need them to deactivate all social media accounts if any at all? eg mingle, facebook, twitter, instagram etc? Mingle2 is a dating site. If I met my partner in this site and everyone knows we are an item, and I know that my partner is not the flirty type, and we both remain active in the forums because we both have friends here, then no need to deactivate. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram - I don't do Facebook, not a Twitter, not on Instagram. I don't think I would be attracted to a guy my age doing FB, twitting and such. Is it unacceptable to you for your mate to hang out with friends of the opposite sex one-on-one? Unacceptable! Do you feel uncomfortable if your partner frequently leaves the room to make or answer calls or messages ? Yes, I would think something is fishy. Do you always need to know when your mate is hanging out with someone of the opposite sex? Heck yes! Do your guidelines totally depend on the personality and habits of your mate , your combined past experiences together and the type of relationship you share? No guidelines. I am a jealous type so my partner should know that. Nobody has ever cheated on me. I am jealous by nature... and I am a witch with a b, when I get angry. Maybe that's why nobody had ever cheated on me... they just drop me like a hot potato.  
Hi Rosie 
As with Crystalfairy, I appreciate your honesty and your understanding of yourself. It's way better than misleading your partner to believe that you are cool with a lot of behaviours when you are clearly not. I don't think there is a right or wrong way to approach friendships of the opposite sex when in a relationship. I really think it comes down to the couple's transparency about each other's boundaries, and compatability of those boundaries. If either party can't work with those boundaries,or if a person has to chop off fundamental parts of themselves or their life to conform to the other person's boundaries, the relationship is doomed from what I can see I do want to understand something though Rosie, and perhaps Crystal can answer as well if she reads this. Do you both agree that trust is important in a relationship? And if that is the case , how do both of you factor in the principle of trust in relationships with extensive boundaries ? |
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If you love someone, set them free.
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IF he loves me he has to know me and with that comes knowing my core values. I think this says it all. If a person knows you well enough to know what the boundaries are, then trust occurs as long as those boundaries are respected. Any relationship will fail if those core values are not either the same, or at least very similar, and respected by both partners. All relationships have ups and downs, and these are the times when straying can occur, but the solution is simple, communication - if you're not happy about something, be honest, tell your partner. If they love you, they will respect it and make adjustments. If they can't or won't do that, then you are not right for each other. |
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Wow I think if you're considering making a partner cease social contact, you need to be considering your relationship and possibly your own self worth. And by that, I don't mean you are worthless, I mean you need to have a good look at how you feel about yourself. If someone is with you and happy, they won't wander - it's perfectly normal to have friendships with people of the opposite sex. I think the lines vary on things like flirting - some people do it without any intention, its just fun. What matters are you and your partners values on this (and indeed most things) being of a similar nature - if your partner likes to flirt but you don't, its not going to work. Wandering off to another room to talk is not a problem, again, its normal. If I'm watching TV etc, I don't want someone talking over it on the phone for instance. If they're secretive, thats different. But that's not to say you should be looking through their phone either - that doesn't constitute trust. Without trust, there is no relationship. If it's a friend, it's a friend, doesn't matter what sex they are. If you understand your partner and their needs, and both of you fulfil each others needs, there won't be any reason for straying. Everyone needs a social life outside their partner. I totally agree with most of what you said.Trust is so important in a relationship and choosing someone who shares your perceptions on what the boundaries should be, is crucial! But as I said to checkinguout, a person who was cheated on in the past may be a lot less trusting of behaviors that tbe average person considers innocent, so some sensitivity may be required there. But I dont totally agree with you that If someone is with you and happy, they won't wander . No couple is happy with each other all the time, and in fact there are times when they may even be enjoying the company of a friend way more than their mate during a slump in the relationship. During those relationship slumps that all couples go through, the temptation to wander emerges for many people. During vulnerable times like that, I personally would be very cautious about my interactions with the opposite sex. I personally wouldnt go on any chatsites or hang with make friends under those circumstances. I remember one of my friends who was going through a tough time in her marriage started hanging out often with a male friend of hers because she felt he was understanding her in a way her husband wasnt. I think one night they ended up kissing. I think too many people play with fire in that regard. Taking foolish chances like that severely puts your relationship at risk in my opinion Peggy you are right about people playing with fire... If couple would just put the effort in what they already have instead of tying to put it towards a stranger they can get back on track.... be nicer to your partner then you are to a stranger... but we as people sometimes think we can take things .out on our partner and they will always forgive us.. I totally agree Checkingyouout Too many times when things get difficult with a partner, people try to distract themselves from the pain by drawing closer to other people of the opposite sex. It makes things much worse!!! There have been times when married men have reached out to me online claiming that they are just looking for friendship, and I always tell them that they are playing with fire and that they are undermining their relationship with their wives , and block them immediately after that. Nothing is wrong with friendships with the opposite sex if you are married, but reaching out to one of them regularly one-on-one when things are rocky with your mate, it 's a gateway to infidelity , and too many people walk into that trap. As you said checking you out, your marriage will stand a much better chance if you focus that energy on being kinder to you partner or getting professional counsel or even taking some time by yourself to re-group.... rather than project that energy into fostering a relationship outside of your union. I know many will disagree on that, but it's just my opinion. I understand what you are trying to say on this, but it isn't always the case - sometimes it can actually help. Talking things through with someone who is the same sex as your partner when things aren't going well, can offer a different viewpoint and help you to see things from the your partners point of view. Especially men on this one - getting a woman's opinion about relationship problems can make a huge difference. Just because you talk to a woman, doesn't mean shes going to sleep with you... |
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Edited by
peggy122
on
Tue 05/17/16 06:06 AM
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If you love someone, set them free. I agree with you keithlime 
I truly believe that nobody belongs to me... Not even my mate. He e is with me because he chooses and always has the choice to respectfully end it with me if he no longer wants me. I dont want my mate's actions to be motivated by fear of losing me or his wanting to prevent me from nagging him. If I sense that we do not share that kind of love, then I am confident that he and I are not the right match for each other |
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Edited by
peggy122
on
Tue 05/17/16 06:55 AM
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IF he loves me he has to know me and with that comes knowing my core values. I think this says it all. If a person knows you well enough to know what the boundaries are, then trust occurs as long as those boundaries are respected. Any relationship will fail if those core values are not either the same, or at least very similar, and respected by both partners. All relationships have ups and downs, and these are the times when straying can occur, but the solution is simple, communication - if you're not happy about something, be honest, tell your partner. If they love you, they will respect it and make adjustments. If they can't or won't do that, then you are not right for each other. I agree with you that a couple's values must be compatible fir tge relationship to stand a fighting chance. I also think that your theory about communication being the solution is flawless and that it is certainly what we should all be aspiring towards :) However , because it is often done in attack mode , the honest communication you refer to ,often ends up leading to a battle of who done who the most wrong. I have seen that happen repeatedly. Back to my original point. People will not always be happy with their mate, and the temptation to wander emerges for many people during those times. And as you said, communication is the key to resoving such problems. But the reality is that many of us are TERRIBLE at communicating during conflict. Some shout, some shut down and some walk away. Sometimes couples need an objective third party (preferably a counselor) to teach them fundamental conflict resolution skills. Many couples are not capable of doing it on their own. They need help! But if after all the counselling and communicating , the couple is still ripping each other to pieces, then I agree that its best to part ways. |
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I don't have hard rules at all, I have a very generic one that I attempt to put on myself, and expect my partner to b put in themselves as well....
And it's simple, I try to think "would I be comfortable with my partner walking into the room during my interactions with this person?" Even if knew my partner would never read my Texts/emails..I ask "would I feel comfortable if they did? " If the answers yes to either of those it's a problem, if I feel the need to hide something from my partner. ...it's an issue likewise I don't care if my partner hangs out with the opposite sex, but if she starts lying about who she was with, or this person being there, or if she walks away on the phone and I walk in and she immediately hangs up.....then there is an issue.... If they feel comfortable with me walking in at anytime cool..., if not...then whatever is going on probably shouldn't be happening |
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Edited by
checkinguout12
on
Tue 05/17/16 07:22 AM
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I have been married twice...
My first husband cheated on me a lot and I was young and stupid and forgave him to keep my marriage and my family together. Then he got abusive so we ended the marriage. when I met and married my second husband I was always looking for him to cheat so I found myself holding on to him to tight... One day he told me that he would never cheat on me, that if he ever wanted to be with someone else he would leave me first.. he said that I was trying to make him pay for what my first husband did to me and that wasn't fair to him.. I realized he was right... That was when I made the decision that if someone could come along and take him that just meant I never had him anyway... That freed me up to live a better life with him... He had a lot of women co-workers that he was friends with.. now there were some women that I told him he couldn't be friends with because they wanted a different kind of friendship with... lol |
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Edited by
peggy122
on
Tue 05/17/16 07:35 AM
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Wow I think if you're considering making a partner cease social contact, you need to be considering your relationship and possibly your own self worth. And by that, I don't mean you are worthless, I mean you need to have a good look at how you feel about yourself. If someone is with you and happy, they won't wander - it's perfectly normal to have friendships with people of the opposite sex. I think the lines vary on things like flirting - some people do it without any intention, its just fun. What matters are you and your partners values on this (and indeed most things) being of a similar nature - if your partner likes to flirt but you don't, its not going to work. Wandering off to another room to talk is not a problem, again, its normal. If I'm watching TV etc, I don't want someone talking over it on the phone for instance. If they're secretive, thats different. But that's not to say you should be looking through their phone either - that doesn't constitute trust. Without trust, there is no relationship. If it's a friend, it's a friend, doesn't matter what sex they are. If you understand your partner and their needs, and both of you fulfil each others needs, there won't be any reason for straying. Everyone needs a social life outside their partner. I totally agree with most of what you said.Trust is so important in a relationship and choosing someone who shares your perceptions on what the boundaries should be, is crucial! But as I said to checkinguout, a person who was cheated on in the past may be a lot less trusting of behaviors that tbe average person considers innocent, so some sensitivity may be required there. But I dont totally agree with you that If someone is with you and happy, they won't wander . No couple is happy with each other all the time, and in fact there are times when they may even be enjoying the company of a friend way more than their mate during a slump in the relationship. During those relationship slumps that all couples go through, the temptation to wander emerges for many people. During vulnerable times like that, I personally would be very cautious about my interactions with the opposite sex. I personally wouldnt go on any chatsites or hang with make friends under those circumstances. I remember one of my friends who was going through a tough time in her marriage started hanging out often with a male friend of hers because she felt he was understanding her in a way her husband wasnt. I think one night they ended up kissing. I think too many people play with fire in that regard. Taking foolish chances like that severely puts your relationship at risk in my opinion Peggy you are right about people playing with fire... If couple would just put the effort in what they already have instead of tying to put it towards a stranger they can get back on track.... be nicer to your partner then you are to a stranger... but we as people sometimes think we can take things .out on our partner and they will always forgive us.. I totally agree Checkingyouout Too many times when things get difficult with a partner, people try to distract themselves from the pain by drawing closer to other people of the opposite sex. It makes things much worse!!! There have been times when married men have reached out to me online claiming that they are just looking for friendship, and I always tell them that they are playing with fire and that they are undermining their relationship with their wives , and block them immediately after that. Nothing is wrong with friendships with the opposite sex if you are married, but reaching out to one of them regularly one-on-one when things are rocky with your mate, it 's a gateway to infidelity , and too many people walk into that trap. As you said checking you out, your marriage will stand a much better chance if you focus that energy on being kinder to you partner or getting professional counsel or even taking some time by yourself to re-group.... rather than project that energy into fostering a relationship outside of your union. I know many will disagree on that, but it's just my opinion. I understand what you are trying to say on this, but it isn't always the case - sometimes it can actually help. Talking things through with someone who is the same sex as your partner when things aren't going well, can offer a different viewpoint and help you to see things from the your partners point of view. Especially men on this one - getting a woman's opinion about relationship problems can make a huge difference. Just because you talk to a woman, doesn't mean shes going to sleep with you... This is something I dont expect a lot of people to agree with me on and thats fine. I can understand if someone confides in a friend of the opposite sex a few times in a public netral place. But ongoing one -on- one -cry-fest sessions with one or both parties pouring their heart out to each other whether online or offline ? When there is no closeness with your mate to offset that imbalance? And one or both parties are stressed , vulnerable and not thinking quite straight? Hmmmmm... I know that not every interaction like that will lead to an affair.. Just like NOT EVERYONE who tries cocaine twice will become addicted. Just like NOT EVERYONE who drinks and drives will die in a car crash. Just like NOT EVERYONE who smokes and drinks while pregnant will have a deformed baby. But the statistics show that incidents like these happen ALOT! So my question to myself is... Why take that risk? |
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I don't have hard rules at all, I have a very generic one that I attempt to put on myself, and expect my partner to b put in themselves as well.... And it's simple, I try to think "would I be comfortable with my partner walking into the room during my interactions with this person?" Even if knew my partner would never read my Texts/emails..I ask "would I feel comfortable if they did? " If the answers yes to either of those it's a problem, if I feel the need to hide something from my partner. ...it's an issue likewise I don't care if my partner hangs out with the opposite sex, but if she starts lying about who she was with, or this person being there, or if she walks away on the phone and I walk in and she immediately hangs up.....then there is an issue.... If they feel comfortable with me walking in at anytime cool..., if not...then whatever is going on probably shouldn't be happening This post made me cheer isaac ! It resonated with me on so many levels 
If you truly love someone, you do your very best to honor them whether they are in your presence or not. I also use your rule in combination with the one law i try to live my life by which is "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" I try to refrain from behaviors that would be hurtful to me if my mate was doing it. Between your rule Isaac and mine,.I hope it keeps me in the safe area. 
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I have been married twice... My first husband cheated on me a lot and I was young and stupid and forgave him to keep my marriage and my family together. Then he got abusive so we ended the marriage. when I met and married my second husband I was always looking for him to cheat so I found myself holding on to him to tight... One day he told me that he would never cheat on me, that if he ever wanted to be with someone else he would leave me first.. he said that I was trying to make him pay for what my first husband did to me and that wasn't fair to him.. I realized he was right... That was when I made the decision that if someone could come along and take him that just meant I never had him anyway... That freed me up to live a better life with him... He had a lot of women co-workers that he was friends with.. now there were some women that I told him he couldn't be friends with because they wanted a different kind of friendship with... lol This is very inspirational for victims of infidelity checkinguout.:) I hope people read what you wrote and draw strength from it
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I don't have hard rules at all, I have a very generic one that I attempt to put on myself, and expect my partner to b put in themselves as well.... And it's simple, I try to think "would I be comfortable with my partner walking into the room during my interactions with this person?" Even if knew my partner would never read my Texts/emails..I ask "would I feel comfortable if they did? " If the answers yes to either of those it's a problem, if I feel the need to hide something from my partner. ...it's an issue likewise I don't care if my partner hangs out with the opposite sex, but if she starts lying about who she was with, or this person being there, or if she walks away on the phone and I walk in and she immediately hangs up.....then there is an issue.... If they feel comfortable with me walking in at anytime cool..., if not...then whatever is going on probably shouldn't be happening This post made me cheer isaac ! It resonated with me on so many levels
If you truly love someone, you do your very best to honor them whether they are in your presence or not. I also use your rule in combination with the one law i try to live my life by which is "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" I try to refrain from behaviors that would be hurtful to me if my mate was doing it. Between your rule Isaac and mine,.I hope it keeps me in the safe area.
glad you liked it :) The golden rule is always a good one
I'm actually pretty laid back with my girlfriend, when we go out dancing I have no issues with her dancing with other men, but she knows I'd have an issue if she was leading him away from where I could see,.. as long as things aren't trying to be hidden...no worries here, but she also knows im confiden enough tk walk away, shes aware that say....for example she leads some guy to a dark corner, restroom (yuck! ) etc that she is in thag moment choosing to end the relationship because she knows for 100% certainty that I'd walk away. I've come to believe that cheating is done because people think they're partner will forgive them....and that perhaps it might be worth it etc....or it 'won't be that bad' so they play with fire....(I.e we just kissed it really wasn't THAT big of a deal)...nope to me its the same and I'll react the same, and she knows it....which is ending it no questions, no how'd it happen.. nope just a Facebook post to her and my friends stating we are no longer together because she cheated on me....and asking if anyone has a pickup so I can start moving her stuff out |
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Edited by
peggy122
on
Tue 05/17/16 11:38 AM
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I don't have hard rules at all, I have a very generic one that I attempt to put on myself, and expect my partner to b put in themselves as well.... And it's simple, I try to think "would I be comfortable with my partner walking into the room during my interactions with this person?" Even if knew my partner would never read my Texts/emails..I ask "would I feel comfortable if they did? " If the answers yes to either of those it's a problem, if I feel the need to hide something from my partner. ...it's an issue likewise I don't care if my partner hangs out with the opposite sex, but if she starts lying about who she was with, or this person being there, or if she walks away on the phone and I walk in and she immediately hangs up.....then there is an issue.... If they feel comfortable with me walking in at anytime cool..., if not...then whatever is going on probably shouldn't be happening This post made me cheer isaac ! It resonated with me on so many levels
If you truly love someone, you do your very best to honor them whether they are in your presence or not. I also use your rule in combination with the one law i try to live my life by which is "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" I try to refrain from behaviors that would be hurtful to me if my mate was doing it. Between your rule Isaac and mine,.I hope it keeps me in the safe area.
glad you liked it :) The golden rule is always a good one
I'm actually pretty laid back with my girlfriend, when we go out dancing I have no issues with her dancing with other men, but she knows I'd have an issue if she was leading him away from where I could see,.. as long as things aren't trying to be hidden...no worries here, but she also knows im confiden enough tk walk away, shes aware that say....for example she leads some guy to a dark corner, restroom (yuck! ) etc that she is in thag moment choosing to end the relationship because she knows for 100% certainty that I'd walk away. I've come to believe that cheating is done because people think they're partner will forgive them....and that perhaps it might be worth it etc....or it 'won't be that bad' so they play with fire....(I.e we just kissed it really wasn't THAT big of a deal)...nope to me its the same and I'll react the same, and she knows it....which is ending it no questions, no how'd it happen.. nope just a Facebook post to her and my friends stating we are no longer together because she cheated on me....and asking if anyone has a pickup so I can start moving her stuff out Well I certainly understand and respect your point of view Isaac , and I think most people share your sentiments. :) My heart is wired towards showing gratitude for ALL that a person has contributed towards my life AS A WHOLE. There is no offense that a person can commit , apart from rape , murder and physical abuse, that would cause me to dismiss my gratitude for their loyalty and love to me in all the other areas of my life. I condemn their choice to betray me by cheating as selfish , cruel and inexcusable.That is not debatable. Im not even sure if I would stay with someone who cheated on me once ,.or not. But my gratitude for the invaluable other contributions they have made to my life ,will not allow me to shame them on social media or demonise them to others. And even if it reaches to the point where I no longer love someone romantically, I will always strive to at least honor the love we once shared by being respectful and civil to that person. I also approach broken friendships in the same way. Its just a weird part of me that I ve resigned myself to 
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The golden rule is always a good one
I'm actually pretty laid back with my girlfriend, when we go out dancing I have no issues with her dancing with other men, but she knows I'd have an issue if she was leading him away from where I could see,.. as long as things aren't trying to be hidden...no worries here, but she also knows im confiden enough tk walk away, shes aware that say....for example she leads some guy to a dark corner, restroom (yuck! ) etc that she is in thag moment choosing to end the relationship because she knows for 100% certainty that I'd walk away. I've come to believe that cheating is done because people think they're partner will forgive them....and that perhaps it might be worth it etc....or it 'won't be that bad' so they play with fire....(I.e we just kissed it really wasn't THAT big of a deal)...nope to me its the same and I'll react the same, and she knows it....which is ending it no questions, no how'd it happen.. nope just a Facebook post to her and my friends stating we are no longer together because she cheated on me....and asking if anyone has a pickup so I can start moving her stuff out Well I certainly understand and respect your point of view Isaac , and I think most people share your sentiments. :) My heart is wired towards showing gratitude for ALL that a person has contributed towards my life AS A WHOLE. There is no offense that a person can commit , apart from rape , murder and physical abuse, that would cause me to dismiss my gratitude for their loyalty and love to me in all the other areas of my life. I condemn their choice to betray me by cheating as selfish , cruel and inexcusable.That is not debatable. Im not even sure if I would stay with someone who cheated on me once ,.or not. But my gratitude for the invaluable other contributions they have made to my life ,will not allow me to shame them on social media or demonise them to others. And even if it reaches to the point where I no longer love someone romantically, I will always strive to at least honor the love we once shared by being respectful and civil to that person. I also approach broken friendships in the same way. Its just a weird part of me that I ve resigned myself to
I used to think the same way, I forgave my ex for cheating on me, and even tried to 'protect' her reputation. ..until she cheated again (while I was on deployment)....then I realized what consequences was there? If the police department said there would be no jail time for a bank robbery..oh and ni fines. ..I'd be willing to bet there would be many many more bank robberies. ... Cheating ia a horrible thing to do to someone...I don't see it as demonizing them...I see it as stating the truth about their behaviors...they did it to themselves. |
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Edited by
peggy122
on
Tue 05/17/16 12:30 PM
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The golden rule is always a good one
I'm actually pretty laid back with my girlfriend, when we go out dancing I have no issues with her dancing with other men, but she knows I'd have an issue if she was leading him away from where I could see,.. as long as things aren't trying to be hidden...no worries here, but she also knows im confiden enough tk walk away, shes aware that say....for example she leads some guy to a dark corner, restroom (yuck! ) etc that she is in thag moment choosing to end the relationship because she knows for 100% certainty that I'd walk away. I've come to believe that cheating is done because people think they're partner will forgive them....and that perhaps it might be worth it etc....or it 'won't be that bad' so they play with fire....(I.e we just kissed it really wasn't THAT big of a deal)...nope to me its the same and I'll react the same, and she knows it....which is ending it no questions, no how'd it happen.. nope just a Facebook post to her and my friends stating we are no longer together because she cheated on me....and asking if anyone has a pickup so I can start moving her stuff out Well I certainly understand and respect your point of view Isaac , and I think most people share your sentiments. :) My heart is wired towards showing gratitude for ALL that a person has contributed towards my life AS A WHOLE. There is no offense that a person can commit , apart from rape , murder and physical abuse, that would cause me to dismiss my gratitude for their loyalty and love to me in all the other areas of my life. I condemn their choice to betray me by cheating as selfish , cruel and inexcusable.That is not debatable. Im not even sure if I would stay with someone who cheated on me once ,.or not. But my gratitude for the invaluable other contributions they have made to my life ,will not allow me to shame them on social media or demonise them to others. And even if it reaches to the point where I no longer love someone romantically, I will always strive to at least honor the love we once shared by being respectful and civil to that person. I also approach broken friendships in the same way. Its just a weird part of me that I ve resigned myself to
I used to think the same way, I forgave my ex for cheating on me, and even tried to 'protect' her reputation. ..until she cheated again (while I was on deployment)....then I realized what consequences was there? If the police department said there would be no jail time for a bank robbery..oh and ni fines. ..I'd be willing to bet there would be many many more bank robberies. ... Cheating ia a horrible thing to do to someone...I don't see it as demonizing them...I see it as stating the truth about their behaviors...they did it to themselves. We are agreeing that cheating is terrible. We are agreeing that ending such a relationship is understandable and advisable in many cases. But we will agree to disagree on the demonising part. Demonising someone from my perspective means that you only talk about the bad things they have done, but dismiss the positive contributions they made to my life and the life of others which may have been monumental. I understand why most people feel justified in doing that after someone cheats on them, but there is an unrelenting spirit of gratitude in me that just wont allow me to do the same. This ofcourse means that I am either crazy or just incurably strange, but I gladly accept both titles
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Hey , where r u from ??
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What is with these restrictions? Guidelines, are you loving a person or making them your slave? She is a privilege in my life and I am lucky enough that she loves me out of millions of guys around. Love is not a shackle which makes you an owner of someone, it is a respect which you got from another human. I want to be the person she likes to be with not someone she has to be with. As they say let her free and if she really loves you at the end she will be yours else she was never yours. cheers This thread is not telling people what boundaries they should or should not put on their relationship Jimmy. It is just addressing the reality that most people do have boundaries which they hope their partner does not cross . This thread is just a discussion of what are some of the boundaries that people personally set in their relationships.
You also have to remember that for victims of infidelity, those boundaries are likely to become stricter in their new relationship as a result of fear. That may be a healthy or unhealthy thing , but for many it is their reality and it must be approached with some degree of sensitivity by the new partner I think, And yes. I fully agree with you that people should be in a relationship because of a loving choice and not because they feel obligated with a lot of rules Well peggy, in that case I would really convey this message to people that locking someone is not a relationship but a prison. When people cheat that means they were not ready or not right for you so you have to make a decision whether to continue with them or not. Relationship should help people grow and make life simpler not complex. |
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What are your guidelines for your partner regarding their interactions with the opposite sex? Well for me to consider someone a partner that would likely be a spouse or very near to that status so I would consider us not as separate people but as a union and and "our" friends/family would be "our" friends/family regardless of the the sex. Generally they would be of interest and importance to both of us but I would expect some seperatness and not be that freaked out by it. Someone has already mentioned if I could not trust a partner I would not be with them and that is definitely my thinking. . What it would all boil down to is respecting each other. Neither of us would do things that would violate our relationship either in action or appearance because it would just be respectful and honoring their dignity but also our own. It is not that hard to have friend of the same sex but have limits of intimacy which would include not being alone in a private place. It won't stop all gossip or trouble makers who like to instill doubt but a gun is fairly homeless with no access to ammunition. Does that mean I never had to tell a friend that I had adapted boundries? No. When I married I told all my friends/family that there were no secrets from my spouse and I have every reason to believe he did the same. There were a few that resented that but my attitude is OH Well Hel-. I may have had it easier since I have many same sex friends but my friends have never been my lovers and and never would be. Just like my GLBT friends. If a person is insecure where are you going to draw the line? If I break up with and Ex Lover then it is totally over; no after friendship exists. eg Do you need them to deactivate all social media accounts if any at all? eg mingle, facebook, twitter, instagram etc? No. One because I have never seen social media as solely a "manhunt". And since I keep my private life very private I could be very seriously involved even married to someone and the general public would not know it. Maybe if they kept trying to hook up and struck out they would figure it out but not like I have ever needed to stake out my territory or found it complimentary if someone else saw the need to. I am not property. And no offense to those who feel otherwise I think bragging that you have a partner is kind of crass. More power to those who have been lucky and blessed with a partner and worked hard enough to make it happen but I see it like anything else I am blessed with; I treasure it but I don't need to rub anyone else's nose in it. When I have a spouse they know my passwords so it is not like they can't just look. Is it unacceptable to you for your mate to hang out with friends of the opposite sex one-on-one? I alluded to the illusion of respect and why above. Occasionally it will happen but it is something I just would avoid not because I had to but because I wanted to. Do you feel uncomfortable if your partner frequently leaves the room to make or answer calls or messages ? No but then I find it annoying to have to respect a caller by trying to be silent rather than disrupt the conversation with background noise. Generally my partner and myself would take some conversations to another room out of respect for the other's comfort. If it was a conversation that I should be included in the phone would be on speaker so it would not have to be relayed. I generally loath pages, texts, and phone calls on face value as 99% of the emails I get as a time waster and and invasion of privacy/ relationship time; which was often limited so prized so was not unusual for home to be a media free zone. Do you have a time at night in mind as to when calls from the opposite sex should cease? Has nothing to do with the opposite sex but no because a true friend does not rule by time on a clock. That said a ture friend would not often abuse that privilege. Do you always need to know when your mate is hanging out with someone of the opposite sex? No I trust my mates. And I do not have to think for my mate. OR.. Do your guidelines totally depend on the personality and habits of your mate , your combined past experiences together and the type of relationship you share? No if I did not like his personality traits and habits he would not be my mate. And no I do not punish the gift of the present and the future with the sins of another in the past. And I have enough of my own sins with out being punished for someone else's. Since cheating has never been a sin of mine I sure am not going to be punished for the potential of something happening that I have no track record for. |
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Hey , where r u from ?? Hi. You need to read people's profiles to know where they are from
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What is with these restrictions? Guidelines, are you loving a person or making them your slave? She is a privilege in my life and I am lucky enough that she loves me out of millions of guys around. Love is not a shackle which makes you an owner of someone, it is a respect which you got from another human. I want to be the person she likes to be with not someone she has to be with. As they say let her free and if she really loves you at the end she will be yours else she was never yours. cheers This thread is not telling people what boundaries they should or should not put on their relationship Jimmy. It is just addressing the reality that most people do have boundaries which they hope their partner does not cross . This thread is just a discussion of what are some of the boundaries that people personally set in their relationships.
You also have to remember that for victims of infidelity, those boundaries are likely to become stricter in their new relationship as a result of fear. That may be a healthy or unhealthy thing , but for many it is their reality and it must be approached with some degree of sensitivity by the new partner I think, And yes. I fully agree with you that people should be in a relationship because of a loving choice and not because they feel obligated with a lot of rules Well peggy, in that case I would really convey this message to people that locking someone is not a relationship but a prison. When people cheat that means they were not ready or not right for you so you have to make a decision whether to continue with them or not. Relationship should help people grow and make life simpler not complex. You have offered the same profound insight as Checkingyouout, and you have expressed it just as well as she did
I hope that many people read your post and are inspired. Putting myself in the victim of infidelity's shoes, I want to be sensitive to the reality that building back trust is a process for them. It takes time, and I imagine that recovery time will vary from person to person. I personally tried the patient loving approach with one of my exes who had experienced unfaithfulness from his ex .I was an epic failure at it. Nothing I cut off or changed in my life for his peace of mind , and no amount of love or reassurance or time I spent with him was enough to chase that demon of suspicion away.He was so tortured that HE ended up walking away after realising that his fears were actually growing. The more he grew to love me, is the more fearful he became of losing me to another guy. I have made a personal decision to never subject myself to circumstances like that again. But unlike me, some people have had success stories with their suspicious mate. Checkingyouout gave a wonderful testimony of how she overcame her paralising fears because of her cheating ex. But she alluded to the fact that it took some time before she reached that place, and from what she said, it took her new partner a lot of patience, understanding (and torture from her lol),until she overcame her fears. I think suspicious people have to reach the point where it is not merely about putting their trust in their mate's love . It is about trusting that God or the universe has a way of weeding out the people who are not right for us, if we allow nature to take its course. And as you so rightfully said, if the person cheats or leaves, then maybe the universe is weeding out someone who is not right for them and building their character for something better in life.
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