"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."

Martin Luther King, Jr.

It really cracks me up when people talk about what they would do in a given situation, when, in reality, we react instinctively. Until the heat is on, you don't truly know what you would do. You just have to be tested under fire to find out.

Amen to that.

To me courage in love is giving each person that you interact with the chance to prove their honor and having the common sense to not only listen to their words and grand gestures but watch their actions from the very beginning right through the last moment you can hold their heart in your own.

Granted it can be frightening when your heart has laid on cold stone for many to many moments but the warming is felt in every molecule and worth it.

Will every single action be perfected to your personal definition of love? No way. Love is the expression of individuals and has the personal nuances of that person and it is grace that will mold and adapt the genuine heart to give nurturing love between two people in the best way it can be received.

I do believe everyone has the right to their own boundaries and to seek a comfortable match without being abused for it.

I do believe there is someone for everyone but not everyone is for every person. Having a comfortable love match should not feel like pulling teeth and if everyone would pull away from thinking they have to be everyone else's cup of tea to be right that would reduce a lot of the frustration on each side of the love equation.

Maybe even reduce the pervasive feeling of rejection. Which I think causes a lot of the hostility.

Courage against manipulative people

http://nsolradio.com/how-to-deal-with-manipulative-people
http://m.wikihow.com/End-a-Controlling-or-Manipulative-Relationship
http://www.manipulative-people.com/life-after-a-manipulator/
http://www.social-consciousness.com/2014/02/8-ways-to-protect-yourself-from-emotional-manipulation.html
http://thetruthawaits.com/1/post/2014/12/permanently-detaching-yourself-from-all-manipulation.html

To a certain degree, we are all manipulative beings. We are naturally manipulators of our own realities. But in this article, when I speak of manipulative people, I'm speaking of those who love to control others.

Everything that exist is energy. Therefore manipulation is also about energy. It is about people feeding off the energy of other people.

If someone is miserable, they rarely want to see you truly happy. Just as if someone is struggling financially, they rarely praise the riches you have.

As humans we are emotional creatures. Whether it's happiness or sadness, people naturally want you to feel what they feel. A happy person will do their best to make a sad person feel better about themselves. And a sad person will do anything to make a happy person sad.

In better words, we can only give what we imagine ourselves to have.

Manipulative people are usually people that are not truly happy on the inside: therefore, they try to get other people to behave in a way that is conducive to their hidden agenda. These people come in different sizes, shapes, and colors. They can be strangers, friends, or even family.

Manipulative treat you like a remote control car: and your weakness is like buttons on the controller that they push to control you. Recognizing when someone is trying to manipulate you is the first step in taking the control away from them.

Some people are manipulated, or feel obligated to:
Join a certain religion, tribe, culture, or gang.
Date or marry within their race.
Go to a certain school.
Pick a certain career.
Dress a certain way.
Talk a certain way.
Act a certain way.
Stay or move to a particular place.
Take care of a loved one.
The list goes on and on....

Parents can be very manipulative whether they recognize it or not. Most parents feel as if their job is to control the actions of their children. When the child does something that pleases the parent, the parent is happy with the child and rewards the child verbally of physically.

When the child does something that does not please the parent, the child is usually scolded in some type of way: whether it is physically or psychologically.

As the child grows older, he or she can develop characteristics of being very controlling or very defensive.

The conscious or unconscious motive of a manipulative person is to draw energy from you. Energy flows where attention goes. Whether you passively do what they want you to do, or whether you lash out in anger doesn't matter to them. They simply feed off of your energy.

Ending a controlling or manipulative relationship can be even harder than being in one. Though you may think that you don't have the courage to end the relationship or that your partner won't be able to make it without you -- even if he or she hurts you all the time -- you won't be able to start living life on your own terms until you make the break. If you want to truly end the relationship, then you have to prepare in advance, execute your plan, and follow through. The most important part is building up the courage to do it.

Recognize that you're being controlled. Many controlling or manipulative relationships last far longer than they should because the person who is being controlled or manipulative is in denial about anything being wrong.

It's difficult for them to reconcile the way they saw things in the days before their toxic relationship and the way they have come to view things since their painful experience. They sometimes question their rationality as well as their sanity. But the truth of the matter is that while they might indeed have had some personality characteristics of their own that made them particularly naive and vulnerable (most of us do), the fact is that covert-aggressors are generally quite skilled at what they do, and the more seriously character disturbed social predators among us (i.e. the psychopaths/sociopaths) are extremely astute and talented when it comes to the “art of the con.” And in their very nature, manipulation tactics are often hard to see until after the fact.

Besides, it’s relatively pointless to play the self-blame game. Lovingly reckoning with your vulnerabilities and vowing to become a stronger, better person in the aftermath of a troubled relationship is one thing, but doing an emotional hatchet-job on yourself just because you happened to fall prey to a good con artist is quite another.

And after years of being manipulated it's easy to get into the habit of doubting yourself. This can be an even bigger problem if you tried couples' counseling at some point and the disturbed character in your relationship managed to con the therapist as well. Still, as hard as it might be, the one of the most important tasks for any "�recovering" person has before them is to end the destructive cycle of self-doubt and blame.

There is no use in trying to be honest with an emotional manipulator. You make a statement and it will be turned around. Example: I am really angry that you forgot my birthday. Response - ,�It makes me feel sad that you would think I would forget your birthday, I should have told you of the great personal stress I am facing at the moment – but you see I didn't want to trouble you. You are right I should have put all this pain (don’t be surprised to see real tears at this point) aside and focused on your birthday. Sorry."

Even as you are hearing the words you get the creeped out sensation that they really do NOT mean they are sorry at all - but since they've said the words you're pretty much left with nothing more to say. Either that or you suddenly find yourself babysitting their angst!! Under all circumstances if you feel this angle is being played - don't capitulate! Do not care take; do not accept an apology that feels like ********. If it feels like ******** , it probably is. Rule number one - if dealing with an emotional blackmailer TRUST your gut. TRUST your senses. Once an emotional manipulator finds a successful maneuver, it's added to their hit list and you'll be fed a steady diet of this ****.

An emotional manipulator is the picture of a willing helper. If you ask them to do something they will almost always agree -- that is IF they didn't volunteer to do it first. Then when you say, "�ok thanks" , they make a bunch of heavy sighs, or other non verbal signs that let you know they don’t really want to do whatever said thing happens to be. When you tell them it doesn't seem like they want to do whatever – they will turn it around and try to make it seem like OF COURSE they wanted to and how unreasonable you are. This is a form of crazy making – which is something emotional manipulators are very good at.

Rule number two - If an emotional manipulator said YES , make them accountable for it. Do NOT buy into the sighs and subtleties , if they don'�t want to do it , make them tell you it up front , or just put on the walk-man headphones and run a bath and leave them to their theater.

Crazy making - saying one thing and later assuring you they did not say it. If you find yourself in a relationship where you figure you should start keeping a log of what's been said because you are beginning to question your own sanity . You are experiencing emotional manipulation. An emotional manipulator is an expert in turning things around, rationalizing, justifying and explaining things away. They can lie so smoothly that you can sit looking at black and they'll call it white , and argue so persuasively that you begin to doubt your very senses. Over a period of time this is so insidious and eroding it can literally alter your sense of reality.

WARNING: Emotional Manipulation is VERY Dangerous! It is very disconcerting for an emotional manipulator if you begin carrying a pad of paper and a pen and making notations during conversations. Feel free to let them know you just are feeling so "forgetful"� these days that you want to record their words for posterity's sake. The damndest thing about this is that having to do such a thing is a clear example for why you should be seriously thinking about removing yourself from range in the first place. If you're toting a notebook to safeguard yourself – that ol' ******** meter should be flashing steady by now!

Guilt. Emotional manipulators are excellent guilt mongers. They can make you feel guilty for speaking up or not speaking up, for being emotional or not being emotional enough, for giving and caring, or for not giving and caring enough. Any thing is fair game and open to guilt with an emotional manipulator. Emotional manipulators seldom express their needs or desires openly ,� they get what they want through emotional manipulation. Guilt is not the only form of this but it is a potent one. Most of us are pretty conditioned to do whatever is necessary to reduce our feelings of guilt.

Another powerful emotion that is used is sympathy. An emotional manipulator is a great victim. They inspire a profound sense of needing to support, care for and nurture. Emotional Manipulators seldom fight their own fights or do their own dirty work. The crazy thing is that when you do it for them (which they will never ask directly for), they may just turn around and say they certainly didn't want or expect you to do anything! Try to make a point of not fighting other people's battles, or doing their dirty work for them. A great line is "I have every confidence in your ability to work this out on your own", check out the response and note the ******** meter once again.

Emotional manipulators fight dirty. They don't deal with things directly. They will talk around behind your back and eventually put others in the position of telling you what they would not say themselves. They are passive aggressive, meaning they find subtle ways of letting you know they are not happy little campers. They'll tell you what they think you want to hear and then do a bunch of jerk off **** to undermine it. Example: "Of course I want you to go back to school honey and you know I'll support you." Then exam night you are sitting at the table and poker buddies show up, the kids are crying the t.v. blasting and the dog needs walking – all the while "�Sweetie" is sitting on their *** looking at you blankly. Dare you call them on such behavior you are likely to hear, "well you can'�t expect life to just stop because you have an exam can you honey?". Cry, scream or choke 'em , only the last will have any long-term benefits and it'll probably wind your butt in jail.

If you have a headache an emotional manipulator will have a brain tumor! No matter what your situation is the emotional manipulator has probably been there or is there now – but only ten times worse. It's hard after a period of time to feel emotionally connected to an emotional manipulator because they have a way of de-railing conversations and putting the spotlight back on themselves. If you call them on this behavior they will likely become deeply wounded or very petulant and call you selfish, or claim that it is you who are always in the spotlight. The thing is that even tho you know this is not the case you are left with the impossible task of proving it. Don't bother. TRUST your gut and walk away!

Emotional manipulators somehow have the ability to impact the emotional climate of those around them. When an emotional manipulator is sad or angry the very room thrums with it , it brings a deep instinctual response to find someway to equalize the emotional climate and the quickest route is by making the emotional manipulator feel better ,� fixing whatever is broken for them. Stick with this type of loser for too long and you will be so enmeshed and co-dependent you will forget you even have needs , let alone that you have just as much right to have your needs met.

Emotional manipulators have no sense of accountability. They take no responsibility for themselves or their behavior – it is always about what everyone else has "done to them". One of the easiest ways to spot an emotional manipulator is that they often attempt to establish intimacy through the early sharing of deeply personal information that is generally of the "hook-you-in-and-make-you-sorry-for-me" variety. Initially you may perceive this type of person as very sensitive, emotionally open and maybe a little vulnerable. Believe me when I say that an emotional manipulator is about as vulnerable as a rabid pit bull, and there will always be a problem or a crisis to overcome.

So now lets examine where manipulation comes from. Manipulation comes from only one source, and that's people. People are the creators of manipulation. Now some may argue that manipulation comes from the devil or what have you, and yes, this is true.

But people are either the custodians of light or they are custodians of darkness. What I mean by this is either people support the Godly idea of freedom and liberty, or they represent the ghoulish idea of manipulation and control. This does not mean that the people who manipulate are evil. It just means that they can have some pretty nasty and ghoulish traits from time to time. For example: the friend that calls and says something along the lines of "you never make time for me any more. Are you trying to replace me?" It is unfortunate that they are experiencing the emotion of loneliness and sorrow, but when someone says that, what does that typically do? How does it make you feel? God awful!

Even if someone says this and they disguise it as a joke, it is still a ghoulish attempt at twanging your emotions, often times in "punishment" for "your" wrong doing. Depending on the situation and who the person is, it makes you say or think "ehhh, there is a reason why I have not been around!" I am either busy and genuinely can't help it, or it is because their neediness pushes you away because it does not serve you any justice. So no matter how insecure or weak you are, never try to emotionally manipulate others into doing what you want. Doing so is the most ghoulish thing you could do to others, asides from physically hurting them. It's true.

However, trying to manipulate someone is actually a form of violence, it's called emotional violence. The manipulator is waging an emotional war with you, and they are trying to win! Why would they do this? They either do not care about you and your feelings, or they are unaware of what they are truly doing, most of the time it is a combination of the two. The manipulator is blinded by their own emotional needs so they just want you to react to pacify them. This is the selfish side of the human ego-personality. Another reason why people manipulate is because they lack a metaphysical understanding of how to attract what they want in a happy and positive way. It's either that, or they genuinely are ghoulish and just want what they want at the expense of other people's feelings.

Oftentimes the manipulation technique gets the manipulator what they want, but by doing this they start to dig a hole that they just keep digging themselves into, shovel-load of crap after shovel-load, and before you know it they are buried alive! Sure you may give in once, twice, three hundred and fifty-seven times, but eventually you will grow courageous and you might say, "Forget it! I want to do what I want to do! And I don't want to do it your way any longer!" Now when you finally stand up for yourself, the manipulator may try even harder to guilt trip you, but by avoiding the root cause of the issue you are not helping them at all. Eventually, if you truly care about someone, you have to be brave and assist them to face their shadow.

Have a little courage, clench your fist if you have to and then relax and tell them how you feel. Face it full frontal. Yes, this may create conflict, but in the end they will have to admit that maybe they have been inconsiderate of other people's feelings. Also, helping someone to come to this realization is a great gift, for you will have healed them ever so slightly. This will help free them from the muck of manipulation, and little by little, you are helping set them free.... one pile of crap at a time.

Thinking for yourself takes courage. It is having the courage to break free from the institution of obligation.

Obligation is linked directly to guilt. Guilt is one of the main weapons a manipulative person will use in order to convince you to do or see things their way. They make you feel guilty about saying "no."

To defeat the manipulative person, you must be neutral with them. Let them know that even though you're not going to do what they want you to do, you're not mad at them. This will sometimes piss them off to the point where they might decide that they don't really like you that much. Nevertheless, if you remain neutral, they will respect you!

Once they see they can't control you, this is where they usually evoke the power of guilt. They become clever at making you feel guilty about doing or not doing something.

If you ever become successful at something, the manipulative person will always remind you of the time when you didn't have anything. And everything they've ever done for you will be brought to the surface.

Distancing yourself from this type of people is the best way to deal with them. I mean, who wants' to have a relationship with someone that's always trying to manipulate?

Sometimes you can't see a person's true intentions when you're too close to them. Distancing yourself from that person will give you the space to see them as they truly are. Then you can decide whether or not you want to continue being involved with them.

When it comes to Life in general, it's very important that you decide what's important for you.

Transcending Your Fear Using Courage and Boldness

By David Hamilton


'Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear' ~Ambrose Redmoon

I hear the words courage and boldness thrown around a lot in the self-growth world, often as the same thing.

Or that the notion of true courage and boldness only looks like this big, huge, daring action, like a hero out of a movie lunging into a fearful situation.

Courage and boldness always confused me and I thought they were pretty much the same thing.

But once I learned the difference between them, I was able to have this warrior team to help me create better life for myself, on my journey to becoming a more fulfilled, self-actualized human being.

After many years of trial and error, I realized the use of boldness and courage doesn't need to look like some action movie hero. Though the great thing is, it can feel like I am a superhero on the inside.

I believe the same goes for you, if you want to access more boldness and courage in your life.

First, Fear

Let's begin with fear, because without the concept of fear there would be no need for boldness or courage.

I discovered that fear can be an enemy or an ally, and it's our choice. A common interpretation of fear is that it is bad, that we must make it go away, because we blame it for stopping us.

I'm with the Buddhists on this one in that if we resist fear then we make it our enemy, and that's a battle we'll never win.

We will never be able to access courage and boldness in a powerful way, so we can win the war on fear by not trying to battle it directly.

For many years I tried very hard to defeat fear, to purge my body of it, to cleanse my mind of it, all to no avail. Fear of more responsibility, fear of getting hurt in relationships, fear of just about anything.

I've used guided meditations to attempt to eliminate fear, worked with NLP specialists and hypnotherapists to kill my fear, tried telling myself with affirmations that I am fearless and totally confident, used emotional freedom technique—the list goes on and on.

And guess what? Fear is still there. It's not going anywhere for me.

Maybe you can find a way to remove fear, but I've given up on that route.

So what can we do if we can't kill fear itself, knowing that fear gets in the way, and can stop us from being or having what we want to be?

It's a strange paradox, but by being more accepting of fear, I've found it makes our access to courage and boldness stronger.

That way we become fearless by not letting fear control us, by shifting our connection with it, but without getting rid of it.

I say that by choosing to be bold and courageous, we actually are accepting fear right then and there.

Bottom line on fear: Let's expect fear to show up when we're going for something bigger in life or that we are uncertain about, then there will be no surprises.

Boldness Shows the Way, Fear Included

When it comes to stepping out of our comfort zone, to do something like go skydiving, or give our first speech in front of a group of 100 people, we know that our fear most likely will show up.

It doesn't mean that fear won't reduce in time in particular situations i.e. asking someone out on a date you really like, or having a conversation with your boss about how it's time for a raise.

For instance, did you know that a large majority of public speakers are afraid before they go on?

Yep, that includes the super-pros.

This is a clear example of how we can be bigger than our fear, they we can behave beyond it, and that fear shows up even for the best of the best that we might deem 'truly fearless.'

So first, we can choose to be bold.

Being bold simply means that we commit to taking the action, to be bigger than our fear, and our sometimes-small notions of ourselves; all for the sake of expanding our life in the direction we know that’s right aligned for us.

With boldness we choose to be bigger than our current self; to step toward that new future to bring it into the present; to expand beyond what we know, knowing that fear will show up, but we commit to action anyways.

An example of boldness in my life:

When my mother was dying of Lou Gehrig's disease, I had to commit to being her spokesperson even though it would be difficult and scary to do so, because I had to talk about Hospice (end of life care) about her exit options.

She couldn't speak, and my father wasn't yet ready to face this, so in order to do this, I know now I was being bold by committing to this role ahead of time.

That was amazingly difficult, but ultimately a fulfilling experience for me, and the right thing to do from my heart.

Boldness is a choice; it's not some kind of behavior that just 'looks' big or confident. We can choose to be bold in any given moment.

Being vulnerable can be a big part of boldness, and that's my latest edge, actually—being more vulnerable to expand more boldness even more, because it's how I want to live.

Courage is Your Savior When Fear Arrives

With courage, it’s a different take. Once the boldness is in place, the commitment to action is there, to risk the possibility of getting hurt or failing; we can now begin action towards bringing that new future into the present.

Courage is there by our side to handle the waves of fear as they arrive, because we've made a bold commitment.

I've found that sometimes saying no directly to our fear does actually work; we can say to ourselves 'No way! I'm not going there.'

But when this approach doesn't work, we can also take more of a surrendering approach—to let fear go, to dance with it, and seduce it so that it comes along with us.

Instead of us resisting fear, it can no longer resist us.

I've found having a bold commitment already in place is a key to truly tapping into the power of courage. Yes, the action becomes bold, but that's because of the commitment already in place.

My story of courage:

When it was time to have that conversation with my mother, father, and the Hospice intake nurse, there was an immense amount of fear and deep sadness, heavy in the room.

I stuck with my commitment to have this difficult conversation with the nurse - about stopping all food and water at my mother's request, and finding out about the pain management process for her so she could have a more comfortable death.

There's no big enemy to slay or heroic act that I performed, but I felt bold and courageous, and again did what was right in my heart of hearts.

The Warrior Team of Courage and Boldness

With courage and boldness, it's a dance between both. They're both fierce warriors when called upon.

By no means am I a master of all of this.

I am just fascinated with fear, courage, and boldness and have noticed how much more alive and vibrant I feel when I approach my life this way.

If you're drawn to what I'm saying, try more of this out. You don't need a hypnotherapist, a psychologist, or even a coach like me to help you do this.

What bold commitments do you wish to make anew?

Are you willing to allow yourself to be more courageous?

You just might find that you are more bold and courageous than you knew.

I'm willing to bet you already are.

The Science Of Conquering Your Fears -- And Living A More Courageous Life

By Carolyn Gregoire


Aristotle believed courage to be the most important quality in a man. 'Courage is the first of human virtues because it makes all others possible,' he wrote. Today, it's one of the more neglected areas of positive psychology, but recent research has begun to move toward an understanding of what courage is and how we might be able to cultivate the ability to face our fear and make decisions with greater fortitude.

Neuroscientists recently determined just how courage works in the brain, finding that a region called the subgenual anterior cingulate cortex (sgACC) is the driving force behind courageous acts -- a conclusion which could one day prove useful in treating anxiety disorders.

So how can we train our minds to act more courageously in everyday life? Other recent research on courage, which has shown that it's not just about facing fear, but also about coping with risk and uncertainty (as Ernest Hemingway put it, courage is 'grace under pressure.') And, it seems, we can make ourselves more courageous with practice and effort.

Be vulnerable.

The groundbreaking work of Brene Brown, a researcher at the University of Houston Graduate School of Social Work and author of the best-selling Daring Greatly, has found that the belief in our own unworthiness drives us to live fear-based lives. We are afraid of letting people see who we really are and potentially exposing ourselves, so we avoid the one thing that can make us more courageous: vulnerability. Courage and vulnerability are closely aligned, says Brown, and the two qualities can greatly improve our lives.

Brown tells Forbes that to conquer our fear we must 'dare greatly,' or go out there in the arena and expose ourselves to failure and criticism:

I think the first thing we have to do is figure out what's keeping us out of the arena. What's the fear? Where and why do we want to be braver? Then we have to figure out how we’re currently protecting ourselves from vulnerability. What is our armor? Perfectionism? Intellectualizing? Cynicism? Numbing? Control? That’s where I started. It’s not an easy walk into that arena, but it's where we come alive.

Acknowledge your fears.

It's difficult to conquer your fears if you're unable to be honest with yourself in the first place about what exactly those fears are. Research has found that acting courageously requires an understanding of one's own anxieties and limitations -- denial of fear does not support courageous action -- and then choosing to work through them.

"Living in an authentic manner -- meaning acknowledging and appropriately expressing one’s actual feelings, thoughts, and desires -- requires acknowledging one’s fear and risks and moving forward anyway when the cause merits action," Pepperdine University School of Management researchers wrote in a 2010 review of studies on courage.

Expose yourself to what you fear.

When it comes to fear, psychologist Noam Shpancer said, the only way out is through. And it's true: One of the most effective ways to banish fear is to repeatedly force yourself to face what you're afraid of. Research has found that this repeated exposure lowers the psychological fear response until it is more manageable or in some cases gone. Afraid of public speaking? Practicing giving talk in front of groups will help bolster your courage when faced with speaking engagements of any size.

"Exposure is hands down the most successful way to deal with phobias, anxiety disorders, and everyday fears of any sort," Stanford neuroscientist Philippe Goldin told Lifehacker.

Think positive.

Marc Taylor, a psychologist for the US Navy, conducted research on Olympic athletes to see what kind of positivity tactics they employed (like repeating positive affirmations) and how this affected their performance. Taylor found that athletes who practiced visualizations and positive self-affirmations were better able to cope with the pressures of high-level competition and were more likely to succeed, Psychology Today reports.

"Tackling fear and anxiety or sadness and depression can, at best, ratchet our lives from the negatives to zero," says Andrew Shatte, author of The Resilience Factor and chief science officer at meQuilibrium. "We need to build the positive -- optimism, hope, good emotions, and meaning and purpose -- to dial our lives into the positive, which, let's face it, is where we all want to be."

Manage stress.

Stress and fear often come together. Feelings of stress are generally rooted in a fear of an imagined physical or emotional threat (not being able to meet a deadline, or fear of failure, for instance), and stress can contribute to negative feelings like depression and anxiety that in turn can contribute to fear-based thinking.

Exercise and meditation both have the power to lower stress levels and reduce feelings of depression and anxiety, which could help you to act more courageously in the face of challenges.

Practice courageous acts.

To build a courageous character, the muscle of courage must be continually strengthened. Aristotle, the ancient philosopher who focused most on courage, said that we develop courage by performing courageous acts. Recent psychological research also suggests that courage is an ethical habit that we develop by repeatedly practicing acts of bravery, according to psychologist Ben Dean.

And according to Aristotle, practicing courage could make all the difference in life. As the he wrote, "You will never do anything in this world without courage."

First, Fear:

First acknowledge.
-what is important
-what will make you a better person
-what makes you react into taking actions


Boldness Shows the Way, Fear Included:

You act what you have intend to do
in your thoughts,
even in the presence of fear.


So first, we can choose to be bold:

What you have planned, what you have in mind,
you put into action.
You step up.
You get out of your comfort zone.


Courage is Your Savior When Fear Arrives:

No matter what will happen,
you are ready to face
and take on,
whatever would be the result
of you, conquering your fear.


Instead of us resisting fear, it can no longer resist us:

Commitment in what you have decided.
Standing your ground and what you believe in.
Even if you will be judged or rejected after
or be hurt after conquering your fear.

The Warrior Team of Courage and Boldness:

While other people have warrior teams Pansytilly
Others have only themselves, to rely on.

This kind of post Pansytilly is what why other
people go back in the forum,
even if they loose hope
in finding their Mr./Ms. Neverbealone
they come back, to grow, to learn.

For other people they are just words right now Pansytilly,
it will take time (even years).
to put it all into action.


One day at a time.
What is signigicant is-
by just even reading this post
we are enriched and
we re-evaluate our take of things.
One day at a time.

Finding the Courage to Let Go of the Familiar and Make a Change

By Mary Beth Owen

'Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.' ~Raymond Lindquist

I’ve been processing my beliefs on courage since I turned 31.

When I was in my 20s and teens, my idea of courage was that you fight until the death, never give up, be the one to say the last word, and always, always prove your point. And yet, I spent most of those years feeling unseen and unheard by my family and friends.

I felt completely isolated and exhausted, yet I wasn’t expressing these feelings. (Not to say I hold regret; in my journey I had to seek and exhaust what didn’t work before fumbling my way to what could.)

On the day of my 30th birthday, I found myself stuck in an unsatisfying four-year relationship, feeling so much pain, but I lacked the strength to move on. During those four years, I felt more and more isolated.

Some research suggests that isolation is the most terrifying and destructive feeling a person can endure.

In their book The Healing Connection, Jean Baker Miller and Irene Pierce Stiver define isolation as 'a feeling that one is locked out of the possibility of human connection and of being powerless to change the situation.'

I felt I had lost my self-respect and power, and that made me feel trapped and ashamed. As painful as it was to feel that way, it also felt familiar and comfortable. I was drowning with no life raft, holding my own head underwater.

Part of me was staying because I didn't believe I would feel worthy or complete until I saved my then-boyfriend and the relationship.

At the same time, I wasn't voicing my needs or feelings. I was expecting and depending on someone else to change instead of changing myself.

Perhaps this is the gift when relationships don't work out: We learn where we are not loving or accepting ourselves. Relationships bring to light the wounds we have yet to heal. For that, I am grateful.

Once I recognized that the relationship had served a divine purpose—that the experience had happened for me, not to me—I was able to move on.

I've learned that the experience of shame traps us in self-defeating cycles; we feel unworthy and powerlessness to change our life conditions.

It also prevents us from seeing and representing our authentic selves. Then instead of airing it out and clearing the water, we muddy it further by keeping it all inside.

Familiarity can be more comforting than the uncertainty of what will happen after we let go and jump into the abyss, but we have to ask ourselves what we value more: comfort or growth?

Richard Schaub wrote, 'Surrender is an active decision, an act of strength and courage, with serenity as its reward.'

Perhaps courage, for me, meant not hanging on and pushing through, but accepting the hurt, surrendering the need for certainty, and making the active choice to break the silence and begin clearing up the water.

I have learned that as unique as our stories may be, we all struggle with the same fundamental fears and we all lose our belief in ourselves. We all feel alone and isolated at times, and that leaves us feeling powerless.

When we get stuck in toxic behaviors and relationships and we feel trapped in this vicious cycle, we need to ask ourselves, 'What do we stand to lose by not changing?'

For me, I stood to lose my authentic self, my integrity, my spirit, and the opportunity to live my best life.

It takes courage to be completely honest with ourselves about what's keeping us stuck.

It took courage for me to accept that I was staying in an unsatisfying relationship because it was familiar, and even harder to acknowledge the shame and unworthiness I felt for being too scared to face the truth.

To feel worthy and take control back, I first needed to feel accepted and connected.

Sharing my story helped with that, and helped me release my shame. Shame and fear can hide in silence, but have a hard time lingering around when shared in a loving space.

When we don't tell our stories, we miss the opportunity to experience empathy and move from isolation to connection. Breaking the cycle ultimately means breaking the silence.

To begin my healing, I started by cultivating a loving space within myself.
To do that, we need to recognize that the pain of staying the same is greater that the risk of making a change, and it’s worth facing the fear of uncertainty.

Who knows what the future holds, and perhaps that is part of the beauty of life. Each moment is fresh and new and maybe, just maybe, that’s what makes it so precious.

It takes a lot more courage to let something go than it does to hang on to it, trying to make it better. Letting go doesn't mean ignoring a situation. Letting go means accepting what is, exactly as it is, without fear, resistance, or a struggle for control. Letting go means standing still and letting the world, or a piece of it, crumble at your feet while saying to yourself, "Mmmm, that's interesting!"

A Lesson In Courage: The Story Of Cam



David K. Williams ,CONTRIBUTOR (I write about my life and business lessons.)






Of all the challenges I've had to overcome in my life, none come close to the loss of my son. To this day, five years later, it is still something incredibly difficult to share or write about. When great challenges or tragedies arrive on our doorstep, we have to just keep moving forward as best as we can. Fish that stop swimming die.

Many books recommend that we pause, evaluate, and reflect, but it would not have worked for me. I knew then ��and I know now ��that if I had stopped, I would never have started again.

When I pause to remember this time in my life, I continue to ask myself: Did I handle it well? Did I do the right thing? Well, I did the only thing that I could. I tried a little bit every day to discover (truly discover, because modern medicine didn't have the power to heal him) how to help my son fight and to remain upbeat, positive, hopeful, faith-filled, and most of all, courageous.

In my book, The 7 Non-Negotiable of Winning, I share the full story of my son Cameron, the original 'Cam' who has inspired our company's service and philanthropic arm, the CAM (Courage Above Mountains) Foundation.

As I talk about the Non-Negotiable of Courage this week with my Forbes column readers, I think it is also appropriate to share a little of Cam's story here.


Joining the Fishbowl Family

When I came to Fishbowl in 2004, Cam had been home from a two-year service mission to Italy for about six months. I knew early on that I needed people who I could trust and who had the courage to help us turn the fledgling company around. My daughter Lindsey was the first person I hired, despite the fact that she had just finished high school. I knew she had organizational skills and enough confidence to help me.



I also began talking to Cam about possibly joining the team. He had a good job as an Italian translator, and I didn't necessarily want him to leave a well-paying job while he was still in school. But I also needed his presence, his participation, and his great 21-year-old's wisdom. So eventually I asked him to trade his secure job for the risk of coming to work with his dad. He was Fishbowl's ninth employee, and my third hire.

Cam quickly became the all-purpose man and go-to guy who figured everything out. We didn't have a marketing department or any type of Web analytic Wing or Google expertise. We also lacked any official-looking marketing material or product packaging. Cam worked with our small Fishbowl team and created something professional we could send to our customers.

Cam designed our marketing materials, ranging from brochures and envelopes to letterhead and logos, learning his way on the fly, ��unflinching, courageous, and undaunted. He had no professional experience but he was willing to learn and he produced beautiful products. He was the one who got us started in the use of Google and Yahoo! pay-per-click ads. He figured out how to use the keywords and phrases the search engines were looking for and essentially put us on the map in the world of online marketing.

Cam was fearless in his desire to contribute to the company and figure things out, ��so much so that he always worked more than he needed to each day. Because he was also attending school full time, he would leave for classes for a couple of hours here and there; however, he always put in a full week of work, whether it was late at night or early in the morning. He never wanted to be a part-timer; he always wanted to be a full-time student and a full-time employee. It wasn't about the money - he just knew he could contribute, and he did.

Cam's fearlessness and devotion to the company was contagious. In all he did, he was an example of the 7 Non-Negotiable: Respect, Belief, Trust, Loyalty, Commitment, Courage, and Gratitude. Cam introduced the employee appreciation of the year award called "The Angler". We now call it the CAM Award in his honor.



Cam's Courageous Fight


Beginning sometime in 2007, Cam wasn't able to eat much. His work ethic and attitude hadn't changed, but we noticed that he was looking feeble. When he began losing more weight, we knew something was wrong and started seeing physicians and specialists. His condition progressively worsened to the point where he could hardly eat anything.



We eventually learned that his life was in serious danger. With tears streaming down his face, the doctor said that he had found a tumor growing underneath Cam's esophagus. Finding a tumor at this point was very serious, he told us. I can't remember his exact words, but I had known this doctor for nearly 20 years, and he is not a man who cries very often, if at all. When he showed this much emotion, I knew something was terribly wrong.

Cam underwent an ultrasound endoscopy to scan through his stomach. We discovered that the cancer had spread through the entire stomach lining. The tumor had been found at the spot where the lining had become the weakest. The doctor who performed the endoscopy told us, "He has zero chance of survival. We give him less than two weeks to live." That was in the middle of August 2007.

From that point on, Cam was left to our family's care. There was no protocol for this rare gastric cancer, as it typically occurs in men around the age of 72 who are sent home to die. We knew of one surgeon who agreed to operate about a week later. We hoped that somehow he'd prove the other two doctors wrong.

It was to be an eight- to nine-hour surgery. However, within 45 minutes, the surgeon came out of the operating room, shaken. He told us the cancer was everywhere. It had metastasized through all of Cam's internal organs.

Everyone assumed that Cam was going to die fairly soon thereafter, but Cam had other plans. He had shown his sense of fearlessness throughout his entire life ��and he did the same, even more so, during the last six months of it. He never complained about his circumstances; in fact, he was quiet the first couple weeks. We found a doctor who also practiced alternative medicine in her own clinic with miraculous success. The day after her first consultation she invited Cam into her care. She took care of him tirelessly; sometimes well into the night, ��using IV therapy to restore his health and destroy the cancer. Cam strengthened and was even able to do a little bit of work on his laptop. I accompanied him to this wonderful MD, whose clinic was 75 minutes away, every single day. At night his mother and sometimes his siblings would care for him so I could sleep a bit.

I did not go physically into Fishbowl once over the next six months. I stayed connected through my computer and my cell phone, taking care of financials, making decisions, conducting meetings, and organizing things remotely while sitting with Cam.



Our entire family made the decision to do everything we could to fight the odds. We expected a miracle. Cam suffered from pneumonia several times; he'd have to go to the hospital because his temperature was 106 or 107, and his heart rate would occasionally race to 170 or 180. These are things that people don't survive; yet they were nearly everyday occurrences for Cam. He persevered, fought, never doubted, and was enormously courageous - each moment of every day.

The only thing Cam asked for was back rubs. His lower back was agonizingly sore because he'd lost all of his muscle. He would let us know he needed a back rub by wiggling his feet; anyone who was with him would also rub his feet to ease his pain.

Toward the end, he lost the ability to do more and more things, but he would continue to do anything and everything he could. Cam never backed down from his hope of survival, even on the day when he couldn't breathe anymore. They had to insert a ventilator and tape his mouth closed.

Then they had to place a drainage tube in his nose for the blood that would build up in his stomach. He was also put on dialysis because his kidneys had shut down. With all of the artificial mechanisms keeping him alive, he was fairly listless and didn't move much. His eyes would stay open, but he would stare off into the distance. When we spoke to him, he would acknowledge us with a slight eye movement.

I recall, two days before he passed, that I leaned down to Cam and just said,
"Cam, is there anything you want to say or anything you want us to do?" It was obvious what was happening, but we'd already resolved that we would never ever think or speak of anything but a miracle. We'd never even contemplated Cam's dying.

When I said this to Cam, he must have used all of the energy that he had to stare at me and give me a frown that said, "How dare you give up now, Dad!" I quickly backed away from asking him more questions and continued to pray for a miracle, right up to the last moment.

Eventually, the dialysis machine stopped because there was not enough pressure to keep it going. We didn't know what was happening; no one was telling us anything, so we had to ask about everything. I asked the nurse, "What does this mean?"

She said, "They usually just last up to an hour."

It was two o' clock in the morning, so we figured we had until about 3:00 a.m. I asked her what would happen and she said that the heart rate would pick up speed, and then drop dramatically. And then he would pass.



I don't know how many nights we'd gone without sleep because we'd had to watch him so closely for the last several weeks as we did everything we could to help him. But now every member of the family was there - ��surrounding him, hugging him, trying to stay awake or sleeping on the floor.

When the dialysis machine stopped, we all hung onto him. Three o' clock came, then 4:00, then 5:00, and his heart was still beating at a normal pace. I kept waiting for it to start to go up even as the nurses popped their heads with a look on their faces that said, "He's still alive?!" But they didn't know Cam.

His heart rate started to go down at about 5:00, but it immediately came back up, and we thought, "Here's the miracle." We believe our Creator can cause a miracle to occur at any time, so, in spite of everything, we still believed Cam could be healed. But it was not to be. This was Cam's time to leave.

At about 7:00 a.m., Cam's heart rate finally accelerated as the nurse had described - ��four hours after anyone in that condition is supposed to survive. My perception was that he wasn't in pain, and that he had already left his body, even though he hadn't yet died. After picking up speed, his heart began to slow. Then, according to the heart monitor printout I took home with me, he gave us a tremendous last heartbeat at 7:19:55.


Cam's Courage Inspires Fishbowl


Cam had a lion's heart, a brave heart. We called him 'Iron Williams' after the movie "Iron Will" - ��he simply had a heart that was full of goodness and love in life and that was difficult to stop, even in the face of death. Because of Cam, I believe we all have the capacity to discover our own brave heart.

Part of Cam's great legacy, and one of the most important leadership lessons he taught me, is that I could care for everything at Fishbowl the way he had. Most people think that when you hire a family member, you treat them differently. Today's leadership books generally advise against treating your family member employees as special. But why not look at it from a different perspective ��and treat everyone as special? Instead of lowering the bar, consider raising it. I also discovered how tenderly we treat another human being when they have a serious illness. Why does something traumatic or dramatic have to occur to bring out the best in us? Why can't we skip 'the stuff' and simply care for one another at all times?


Cam's illness and passing was a very difficult experience for our family to endure, as well as for the Fishbowl employees who knew and worked with him. I have deep gratitude for all of those who worked at Fishbowl through those six months, whose support, both professional and emotional, allowed me to care for my son.

Because our employees knew Cam was fighting for all he had, he inspired them to go above and beyond, too. They exhibited an incredible ethic. Everyone displayed the 7 Non-Negotiable in every way they could, and in ways I could never imagine. They made it possible for me to serve my son and be with my family through that horrendous experience. I was never judged negatively for not being there, even by the majority shareholder, who was the first to try to contribute personal funds for the cost of the alternative medicine Cam received that insurance didn't cover.


Learning the Courage to Live for Other People


We've all heard the question countless times throughout our lives: What would we do differently if we knew we only had one day left? How would we treat someone close to us if we knew we were going to lose them? It's not necessarily a pleasant thought, but it's one we should consider every day. It's a difficult practice to incorporate on a daily basis, but that makes the response all the more rewarding. Deep down, we all know the answer: We would do anything for that person.

Most of us remember to do this for our families, but overlook an important fact: We also spend 40-plus hours a week with our colleagues. We rarely think about bringing that spirit of care into the workplace, ��but we should. Remember: You may never know everything that another human being is going through, but we can still relate to them due to the simple fact that they're a fellow human being.

All of us, whether we realize it or not, are in the people business. We need to remember that our relationships with our coworkers far outlast the work experience itself. The way we display the 7 Non-Negotiable will outlive the projects we completed or the money we made.

The experience of helping our company succeed against all odds was a lot like the experience we endured with Cam. We never spoke of anything but a full recovery, and we believed right up to his last heartbeat there was a chance for a miracle. We used the same approach to turn Fishbowl around, and we have the same outlook today: Never think of anything but success. Are there tough moments? Certainly. But they compel us to take a step forward rather than back down. When other companies were shutting down or standing still in 2009 and 2010, we turned everything on. That effort propelled us ahead and put us in the position we are in today.

We also learned that there is immense power in committing to your team and your partners. They are the people who will rally around any member who's injured and help them to get back up. We are all in the people business. We have the power and the courage to close ranks to protect any member who is injured until they get back on their feet. For every one of these lessons, I will be eternally grateful to Cam.

And today I also thank each of you for allowing me to share with you the story of Cam.



Amazon has named David Williams' book, 'The 7 Non-Negotiables of Winning', one of its Top 10 Business Books for July. Additional reporting for this article was provided by Fishbowl President Mary Michelle Scott. Author: David K. Williams!

The grand cosmos has a strange way of putting everything into its rightful place occasionally. We never even have to lift a finger, either. It's almost as if all the work is done for us as we just sit by and watch the change happen right before our eyes. Sometimes, we didn't know we desperately needed this change in our lives. Other times, we're looking for a sign - any sign - that the change we seek is in sight.

My mom recently found a laminated star while she was cleaning out one of her many overflowing bins. On the green star, in simple bold lettering, was the word "courage."

She gave it to me, and after last week's column about my struggle with depression, you probably wouldn't be surprised to learn that I've been carrying that little laminated star in my purse ever since. I've clung to it so tightly at times. It's become my security blanket, like a badge that sort of makes me feel like a superhero instead of the blubbering basket case I feel like most of the time. It's comforting to know that it's always close to me, and always close to my heart, because I've needed quite a bit of courage lately.

But don't we all? I mean, if we really think about it, isn't life just one gigantic marathon of taking a metaphorical courage star and running with it. Or, if you don't have the strength to run, just keeping it with you and waiting for that moment when the powers of the star - and yes, I do believe this star has magical powers - shine on you and push you forward.

Here are a few principles to catalyze your courage:�

1. Ditch the drama.

It's important to admit to yourself when you're stuck in fear. Too often, though, this process allows you to feed the fear. In recognizing fear, you'll pose your unconscious a question like,"What does it mean that I'm afraid?" Then you'll fill in the blanks with whatever answer matches your most fear-driven inner beliefs, such as, "I'm scared because I can't handle it."

Whatever your story is, it's just that: a story. It lacks validity and adds to your stuck-ness.�

Don't aim to be fearless. Aim to stop adding drama and intensity to your fear by ditching the storylines. What does it mean that you have fear? Mostly that you're human. Pretty simple.�

2. Check in.�

You admit you're afraid. Time to move past it right? Not quite. Sometimes fear is wisdom that you're in danger or on the wrong path. In fact, many of my clients need to learn to be afraid more!�

Take your time to get clear. If the fear's grounded, decide whether to proceed with caution or to back off of the situation. If there are no real signs of threat, take a breath and proceed.�

3. Recognize you're in great company.

As I said, everyone feels fear, even your role models. We seem to have some idea that if we're strong or on "our path," fear will melt away, leaving only brave conviction. This creates confusion and self-criticism when we feel afraid.�

Instead of putting yourself down, you can recognize that fear links you to a tribe of people across time who have taken a risk to move beyond safety for something more. To join the ranks of these "fearless" people you admire, don't focus on what you feel; focus on what you do about it.�

4. Relate to fear as a good sign.�

The truth is that having fear means two things: that you're human (which should be a big relief) and that you're on the verge of growth. Once you've ruled out danger, you can take fear as a good sign, a marker that you're alive and engaged. Feeling fear lets you know that you're genuinely present in the moment and you're stretching past your comfort zone. You can draw strength and self-assurance from that.�

5. Breathe into your heart.

The word "courage" is related to the French word "coeur," which means "heart." What you're aiming for in anxiety-filled moments is a connection with your heart. In this case, heart for me has a dual definition: the energetic area in the center of your chest out of which wisdom, warmth and ease flow, and the meaning behind whatever action or choice frightens you. In other words, the heart of the matter.�

Knowing WHY you're doing what you're doing bolsters your spirit. But when your drive weakens or doubt creeps in, keep yourself on your path by doing a heart-centered breath. Place your hand on your heart and imagine as if you could breathe in and out of that heart space. If fear or anxiety arises, just let it be there without judgement and hold true to the breath. Over time you'll watch the fear melt away leaving a fresh experience of your resiliency in its place.�

Remember, real bravery isn't about fearlessness; it's about taking steps in spite of it.�

Dude, you have a purse?

Lol... I copied that and pasted it on here... I have none...

you better put your reference or url link....you may give people the wrong idea...lol

Oh!! Thanks for that idea.. I will better start doing that...

I really love these ^^^^ except -



I have always thought that the opposite of fear is courage or
bravery.
May I know the reason why it is faith?
Faith is synonymous to acceptance, confidence or conviction or a combination of the 3.

That would depend on your understanding and of what courage, cowardice, fear and faith are.