The same thing that gives you the right to come to an online forum and ask this question and talk about them?


Whatever it is that gives people the right to be individuals with some level of self determination and opinions?


Change your locks.
Cancel your credit card.

You can either complain about people not behaving how you want them to, or take actions that keep you from having to experience their behavior that you can't control.

One is going to lead to more frustration than the other.

There's protecting then there's not being good enough. Just because you're a parent doesn't mean everything you say is on level with a deity. There is a fine line between compassion and negative mindsets.

This is true.

As adults you do have to decide if a parent is too toxic or if you are making them respond in a toxic way.

As adults if you have frustrated your loved ones for so many years with various dramas and addictions you can not expect them to be sweetness and light. They suffer right along with a failed child even an adult child.

As adults we have to accept our own part in family dramas. Weather they are a result of a disability, having not learned basic social skills from the family, or not receiving the care and love every child deserves. Sometimes that requires out side intervention. To go to someone you know does not how to meet your needs over and over is just and other level of insanity.

Few parents have the coping skills to deal with, for instance a disabled child, well. Especially what are nearly elderly parents that got little or no help while they were in the midst of it. But at some point as and adult you have to grow up and smell the coffee and quit throwing tantrums because your parents don't know how to handled some things any better than you do.

Maybe OP's picker in relationships is lacking from not having a great example or maybe he makes his choices through Beer goggles but at his age it is hardly his Mum's fault who he picks to break his heart.

And it is his choice to not take his problems to her if he is dissatisfied by her response.

But to abuse her publicly for being a failed mother because he does not like the end result of his own actions is hardly her fault.

He says he chronically picks women his family can't abide so he is ignoring their counsel then abusing them for it.

I doubt any Mother is a mind reader; and how would she knows what response he was looking for? Clearly none is going to make him happy. If she told him she was heart broken too do you think he would have seen that as sympathy or more criticism?

At some point in adult life we all have to quit blaming our bad behavior/life on Mummy and Daddy and own our own actions. Pull ourselves up by our boot straps if that is all we have and make a go of life just like every other adult in the world does on their own.
Parents do not live for ever; one has to do it sooner or later. And most do not expect great pity or a substitute parent because of it. MOST actually take great pride in finally weaning away from parents.

Is it easy putting a disabled adult child on the curb and say "Fend for yourself?" Not particularly but it is certainly no different than putting and able child out in the world and seeing them find their footing.

Well, actually you're wrong again (sort of) because my mother liked my ex and even introduced me to her.

My drinking and smoking is another matter. Yes, you could say that it's understandable that my family don't like me using that as a coping mechanism for the depression that I have to deal with and I'm not exactly bragging about that and maybe I only attract women that are into that sort of thing as well but it's still my life and my business and I agree that I probably shouldn't be talking to my mother about it but she's been supportive in the past and she actually calls me her rock because I have tried to do the same for her and we have always been close, as I'm her eldest son.

The other people's children are my sister's kids. My parents get no money from doing that and they are just unpaid babysitters. I don't get on with my sister, as I said and think that she should look after her own kids but I mentioned that because they spend more time doing that now than doing anything for me, or even spending time with me.

They barge into my house, or I ask them out for a meal and then they can't wait to leave after they've done what they want to do and not what I want. I can wash my own dishes but I have problems with other things because of my disability and that's annoying and sparks off more arguments. They come into my house and tut tut at the mess or untidyness but when I ask them if they can help me to sort things out and help me tidy up stuff they don't and then give me a lot of crap about how they have to leave after doing things that I didn't ask them to do, such as putting my garbage out. I'll literally say to leave it but it's like an OCD thing with my mother, or sheer pigheadedness.

BTW, even if I have a picture on here there's virtually no chance that anyone in my family will read this thread and if they do, so f**king what? I've told them to their faces that I'm pissed off about it and I'm hardly going behind their backs here and they think that they're not in the wrong anyway, so can hardly complain that I talked to people on the internet about it, especially when you're determined to take their side, even though you don't even know them and are just basing your arguments on Old Testament morality.

Getting back to the original topic ...

Tawt, nobody on Earth has a right to tell you who you can see or what you are to do with your life.

If you have relied on your mother to bail you out or rescue you or provide you a safety net anytime life gets hard
then she has continued to take on role of parent as caregiver that she had when you were a child
now she helped you out of love and concern
If not then... depending on your circumstances you would have.ended up in jail or on streets.or homeless or rehab
unfortunately,by helping you
she has enabled the continuation
of this selfish childlike Peter Pan behavior
now perhaps this was in past and you are a changed man
If so,she will see this over.time

Family members always have right to voice their concerns if they feel you are in relationship that is destructive or harmful for you.
you as adult have the right to listen or not

Yeah, that's sort of it, and sort of the opposite of it.

In a purely factual sense, NO ONE gives anyone any rights to do anything. Lots of people CLAIM to have rights, but for any of us to appear to have rights, the rest of the people around us have to ALLOW us to have them.

You clearly actively CHOSE to give your relatives the power over you which they have, or don't have. The painful wrestling you are dealing with, from the beginning, has always been you, wrestling not with your family, but with YOURSELF and your own way of dealing with the world. That's why it seems so impossible to overcome.

Sounds like you need to pay off that credit card, and close the account, or at least call and have it frozen. I'd tell the CC company I lost my copy of the card, and have them shut off the account until I paid it off, myself.

Tawt....I completely understand what you are saying. My parents, my brother and I have had a rocky relationship since we became adults. I DO love AND respect my parents, BUT.....they are not part of my emotional, or emotional strength these days. They are in their own little world, and with the different scenarios throughout the years, I have broken that connection with them. I am there when they need me, but I don't go to them anymore when I need someone. TRUST ME, it was not an easy task, but IMO that is part of growing up...learning to have other friends and family to rely on.
Others have said in not so many words.....you should "grow up" and break that connection. Find others who will actually listen when you need it. I believe one CAN love and respect peeps but at the same time not "like" them.
Good Luck to you, Tawt

Yeah. It's gone on for years and for far too long and I suppose because my mother was always there for me in the past and because nobody else cares at all I've let it go round and round with them doing things like going to the bank for me and bringing me groceries and because I hate being dependant on them for things like that and how they seem to believe that they can treat me like a child it keeps coming to a head and we fall out.

Then when I've told my mother that I want to do things for myself now, she'll sort of agree and even say that she'll help me to do those things that I need to do to become independant but she doesn't because she's either more interested in her grandchildren now, or just likes having the control over my life that she does.

Yes, she worries about me and is concerned about me but even when things are going reasonably well in my life now and I'm feeling happy she still nags and can't just be happy for me about the things that are making me happy. I really have tried to be a good son and for the last year I've been going out for meals with them, when they've had days off from their babysitting. It's not enjoyable doing that anymore though and they have literally ruined what I only want to be nice outings by sitting there nagging so much, or just being nasty that I couldn't eat my food.

Another thing that's changed recently is that my brother has finally done something about his problems and that makes me the black sheep now because I still like beer and cannabis, which isn't as bad as what he was doing.

It came to a head again on Friday anyway. My brother has wanted to go out to the cinema as a family outing since last year and my parents finally managed to find time in their busy lives to do that. It started on the phone before they even got here, with my mother nagging and making what should just be a nice day out into a drama. She said that my father wasn't prepared to take me if I had a beer first, so I said fine and that I wasn't coming then because I had already had a beer. It's not like I'm even an obnoxious drunk. It's just them disapproving because they don't drink anymore and are a pair of uptight sobersides and control freaks.

Don't get me wrong. I feel awful about this and this has happened before after it's not worked out with a woman and when I needed my family or a friend to be there for me. They aren't really though and all I'm getting from them is a few minutes every week when they bring my shopping round and these meals out that aren't even enjoyable and that they turn into dramas and agree to begrudgingly.

It may be the case that they're getting too old now to do things for me but I fail to see how looking after two small children that aren't even theirs isn't more tiring and that's maybe it. They have the right to enjoy finally having grandchildren but that must take most of their energy and I'm little more than an inconvenience to them now that they don't really have much time for.

I do feel a bit bad about saying this like this on the internet and I wish that it wasn't like this but I have literally nobody to talk to now and am depressed about that girl that I was seeing not calling me anymore and just about my life and the way that it's turned out in general. I do intend to make those changes but it's not easy when I have a disability that makes simple things difficult and I've given my parents so much control that I'm sitting here right now, unable to simply change my locks and credit card because I don't even know my own banking details or have my own credit card and I've got money in the bank but not much left in my wallet.

There are issues going on here that you have not eluded to as to why your parents are in control of your finances and you do not have access to your own accounts and they come over for meals and tell you to clean and take out your garbage and to stop drinking. You have given them this amount control to act as your guardians in past and just because things are going good now you want it back
How do you go about prooving you are now competent?is there a caseworker or social worker or perhaps psychiatrist that must initiate the process?

Alright. I'll try to explain it to you because you don't know me and it wasn't me bringing up the fact that I'm disabled here but I've "alluded" anyway, as you're putting it.

I have sight problems. I don't suffer from clinical depression and even though I have had problems with anxiety in the past I did see a shrink then and did other things to deal with that and I am no longer on medication and haven't needed that for years now. It's situational depression and there's nothing wrong with my brain.

No, there isn't a social worker and I'm a bit reluctant to even get started on that because when I developed sight problems and went to them for help they treated me like crap and couldn't wait to close the case and wash their hands of me. They won't even give me a home help to come round and help me clean my house but they will do that for alcoholics, like a guy I know.

I have literally nobody to go to that will help me with anything that I want help with unless I pay them to do it. That's the way that it is and my landlords have finally got around to sorting out my kitchen, bathroom and heating but I'll have to pay somebody to move and store my stuff while that's being done and pay somebody else to decorate and refloor after that's been done because even though my brother says that the family or he would like to help with that it's just BS and although I get on alright with him now and even called him today to talk about this situation he's got problems of his own that mean that he can't even come and visit me, let alone do anything practical to help me apart from introducing me to a dope dealer.

I did talk to him about it though and he then called my mother and she called me and I told her how I felt and what I wanted now in the way of her giving me back what's mine and letting me run my own life from now on. It's just basic stuff like getting a phone that I can use and having control over my own finances and mobility issues when I want to go out, or need to.

Yeah, I've been drinking for about a week now to just get through the day but I'm not alcahol dependant, in the sense that I'm an addict that can't stop. The same goes with the cannabis and I'm just really fed up just now and drinking to blot it out when I'm going through a really rough patch and because a girl that I liked doesn't want to know me anymore and I'm socially isolated and have nothing better to do just now, or feel so crap that I don't have the motivation or enthusiasm to do anything productive with my time. I know that I can't go on like this but at this particular moment it's how I'm coping with it.

Well it sounds like your house will get fixed up to meet your needs and I think conversation you had today with your mom was a good step in right direction

Same old verse; just like the last; and probably the one before that. I guess as long as you stay stuck in the loop of denial then you can continue until you have even worse health issues.

I am not sure I agree that family members have ANY guaranteed "rights" as far as my personal life goes. That's an invitation to meddling and soured feelings.

They are certainly entitled to their opinions as anyone is, but their right to express an opinion is governed by my consent to hear it....which I seldom give (per my personal life)


my family's culture would describe that sort of unsolicited "concern" as rude, or meddling. But then most of us have made pretty good choices. Not all families are the same in their social culture tho...

I also do not involve them in my love life anyway (what there is of it lol)

I'm in denial about nothing. I'm a binge drinker and I binge on cannabis when I can get it. Where there's a health issue is that if I don't control it and sober up like any sensible drinker it makes me ill and I suffer terrible pain and could even die.

I think that it's not alcoholism to just drink at weekends, or occasionally, or you could call anyone that likes a beer an alcoholic. You're attacking me again about this because of what I said in your army thread but you were the one telling me to have a beer and that that would make me forget about that girl when I started posting again.

I don't drink every day and even if that wasn't bad for my health I do things to occupy my time when I'm not drinking that I need to be sober for. Lately I started playing a game on the internet again and that takes my mind off my problems and I mostly just smoke normal cigarettes when I'm doing that. I've just lost enthusiasm for that just now because I'm feeling depressed but I don't have chronic or clinical depression.

It was like this the last time it didn't work out with a woman. I spent most of Christmas just drinking and smoking myself into oblivion because yet again I thought that at least I have my family and could have a nice Christmas with them but my father ruined that by coming into my house and giving me a lot of abuse about the music I was playing on my stereo. He's a hypocrite. He's half deaf now anyway and I can't even sit and watch a movie with him in his house because he always has the sound turned up to full volume but I don't go into his home and give him s**t about that because it's his home and that would be abusing his hospitality.

It's another example of them thinking that they can treat me like a kid anyway and he certainly wouldn't act like that towards my sister.

I just had a visit from my mother anyway and at least she brought me some cash, so I won't starve but yet again, she couldn't take me to the bank so that I can get that sorted out because of some other commitment she made.

Yeah, I had the shakes when I woke up because I've been drinking for a week but that's not normal and I would love a joint right now and getting stoned would make me feel better for a while but I'm not planning to go and see that dealer today, even though I could and have enough cash to buy enough to last me for at least a week now.

If I was the addict you say that I am nothing would stop me and I could get a taxi there but I'll go and see him when I'm in a better frame of mind and feel like going there. I'll go out today though because I need to buy food and I go out every day, however crappy I feel because I have a reason to, which is that I have a dogand taking care of her gives me some purpose in life, even when I feel like that's all that I've got.

Now please stop posting off topic personal attacks in my thread and go and troll somebody else.

I would suggest therapy
check with your community mental health. you are self medicating and you have hostilty issues with your family and seem to resent them for not treating yoi like an adult and giving you freedom on one hand but on other hand react like a petulant child whenever they have prior committments and do not drop everything to run to your aid. I suggest CBT and then perhaps you can begin to lose the anger and make some better choices

That's not fair either. I don't expect them to drop everything. The last time I asked them to come to my aid it was an emergency and my dog had been attacked and I wanted them to see if she was injured and take her to the vet if necessary. I wouldn't have asked them to come otherwise and even then my father acted like it was a huge inconvenience.

Also, my brother told me that my father didn't want to take me to the cinema last week if I had a beer first not because of drunkenness but because I would have needed someone to show me to the toilet so that I could pee. That's how much he resents doing anything for me and how selfish he is.

My mother's other commitment today was to feed a neighbor's dog. I asked her why my father couldn't do it. Silly question really. He resents doing anything for anybody apart from my sister.

I don't want help from people that resent it or treat me like crap and that's why I don't accept charity or have anything to do with social workers.

Anyway, this is all completely off topic and I guess I'm done with this thread now because I don't apreciate being told that I need to see a shrink or go to AA or any of that crap when all I asked was what gives them the right to criticise my girlfriends and stick the knife in when I'm feeling depressed about a relationship not working out and I've had those answers from posters that wanted to reply to that and not criticise my lifestyle or insult me.

Not insulting you
you opened up
I responded
do not misunderstand me
when I suggest counseling
its not said as an insult
but because I think you
may truly benefit from
speaking to a neutral non-family
professional who may be able to
help you and your family with these habits of behaving towards one another you have fallen into
you have the right to tell them when they have crossed the line ya know