I wrote this one day as a commentary on all the online dating sites... it is a parody... not designed to actually offend anyone, i just realized that we're all in a turnstile waiting to get hooked like fish :D so I wrote a profile to match it... if any woman out there, with equal wit can write one equivelant to that of the majority of male profiles that you read, I'd love to read it :)

(----------- humour only : if this offends you, then it is you -----------------------)
well lets see...
obviously i'm looking for that typical woman that has blonde hair enhanced by highlights,
with the perfect figure, which is of course artificially augmented. And lets not forget
botox. One can never have too much botox!!

of course you have a perfect tan, and are bubbly and like to do all the boy stuff, so
that i'll read your profile, and obviously you're sweet! oh did i mention blonde with
blue eyes? there doesn't seem to be a lot of the blonde blue eyed, works out at the gym,
and is fit, wanting the man that "completes" her on this online dating site,
can you believe that? I know! It was a shock to me as well!

Oh! I love being with the woman that wants that hot guy! The same kind of guy she chases
in the bars and is now chasing online, because obviously if she hasn't figured out that
she'll end up with the same kind of guy online after getting hurt by them in the bars,
then that is the girl for me!!!

I know who you are by the wonderful cleavage shots and butt shots you give in your picture
choices, since after all, you want to be loved for your mind, not your body, as you
flaunt it in as many pictures as you can! Because that is what guys want! If you have
at least 1 picture with you holding some fruity drink or a martini glass with some
colored liquid within, then obviously you're the girl I want! Because it would be
horrid to have to leave you at the bar or club with the $5 you came with to buy your
first drink before you played the room and had the other boys buy you drinks!

it would be really helpful if you were shallow and superficially materialistic as well,
while declaring you're not, so that we both know that entitlement issues are first and
foremost.

If you're a narcissist, please do contact me so we can both spend the rest of our lives
making it all about you! If you use words like "princess" or "baby" or "material girl" or
"girly girl" to describe yourself, then you're the girl for me! I know that I'll have
a lifetime of you *****ing and complaining if everything isn't done just your way for
you and who cares if it inconveniences anyone else, because the sun and the moon rise
and set on your ass!!!

oh! If you're a bohemian vegetarian? Please! Be sure to wear your leather shoes, jacket
and gloves when we meet so I know you're steadfast in your convictions. After all, there
is nothing wrong with skinning the animal as long as you don't eat the meat right?

If you live in Eastern Europe currently, i would LOVE to fly you and your entire family
over to save you from the hardships, and of course I will love you sight unseen by the
first bulk email you send me! If you're a pornbot that wants me on messenger to pay 9.95$
to see your cam, obviously i am aching to have my CC billed by adult entertainment
charges over and over again!

For those of you that tell everyone that you know what you want, be sure to constantly
look over your shoulder and keep an online profile just in case something better comes
along, you know... so you don't miss out, and can trade in the guy you're with currently
equal to that of a drive-thru... because even though you know what you want, you might
actually be wrong in what you choose and what you want might be just around the corner
in your convictions of surety which in reality doesn't exist, but it sounds great in
your profile.

I would love if it you spoke your mind. Constantly giving your opinion on anything and
everything, telling everyone else that you don't agree, and that they're wrong, as you
give it! Make sure that you speak your mind at every unsolicited opportunity to be sure
that everyone around you as fully aware that you never filter anything that you say,
speaking before thinking, and never using wisdom or prudence. After all it is very
important to be sure that all whom are around you know that you have never heard the
phrase, "speaking is silver and silence is golden" and that you are incapable of ever
knowing that most times it isn't worth saying anything and that your opinion isn't the
be all and end all of life. Besides, I'd like to know that I have a woman that is totally
common and low class.

I want someone that travels. And by travels I mean goes to another country, stays in a
hotel. Brings a camera and brings all their preconceived idea's, hang-ups, bigotries,
and narrow-mindedness, taking pictures of everything and everyone as though you're
visiting a zoo.

It would be even better, if when you do go and you see them eating something that makes
you say "ewwww that's gross" and make it known that they don't do that in your country
so that everyone knows you're ignorant and a tourist. After all it is important to me
that we come off as shallow and narrow minded as possible while simultaneously telling
everyone that we're open minded and bohemian.

Please please please watch shows like big brother, or those pick a mate reality shows,
because it is important to me to know that your value system includes subversion, games,
sneakiness, and back-stabbing. How else can I be sure that you're going to treat me in
a manner that is in your best interest? Remember! we're making this all about you!

and last but not least! It is very important to me that you have a mundane cliche which
has been used a million times that you found on a website, or a hallmark greeting card,
in your blast or tagline or opening statement or even in your profile so that you at least
attempt to sound like you have some depth, even though we both know it's just not true
at all. Because dammit! It isn't about what you really are, its about what you say to
get what you want! And you are what we are here for aren't we now?

Yes!!! Lets hear it for you!!!!

(----------- humour only : if this offends you, then it is you -----------------------)

Your hilarious!!!

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MYYYYYYYYYY JUne Cleaver said to Ward CLeaver..
BEav come in here NOW......
you must read and learn
hhehehhehehehe that s said some will say well said others will say... NOT.. but like you said." ITS YOU ... "

Bigbay

Pretty funny!

I have some more on that line.

Pretty African woman from Ghana.
Send me $2000 for a plane ticket
to the states.
You can meet me at the airport.
Then, after I get my temporary
visa, I can dump your ass.

Not into drama.
So what does that mean,
I can't take you to
Phantom of the Opera?

No drugs, no alcohol, no smoking,
no players, no vices of any kind.
Well, what else would you like to do?
Play Parcheesi or Monopoly?
How about Cribbage? Coffee shop?
Or maybe we could just go to church!

Must be emotionally and financially stable.
Well, I guess that leaves me out on both counts.
I'm not a sociopath/psychopath,
but some things do upset me.
Guess that means I'm not emotionally stable!
Who IS these days?
Alcohol helps if you can't afford a shrink.
Which leads me to the next point.
Financially stable.
I live from paycheck to paycheck, like most Americans.
Probably 90% or more.
But I hear Donald Trump is available when
you can get him between wives.
You've got Gold Digger written all over you, babe!

Same disclaimer as bigbay.

k.... so mine was a joke.. you on the other hand have rage issues... in a word... therapy :D

@ all of you

that pretty much sums up everything i DONT want in a girl. that was pretty sweet!

Well, LivingByBeats, I guess
in your professional opinion
as an IT/IS Database Administrator,
Systems Architect, that also
makes you qualified to perform
psychiatric medical diagnoses
on people.

Not!

Perhaps you have a superiority
complex, Mr. Know-It-All!

now that's funny!

dude lighten up... its a forum... on the internet... with text in little white boxes... if you get offended by anything on the internet, how the hell do you manage with people face to face?

so just chillax...

(oh and ps: i do counsel crackheads and prostitutes, and abused women and rehab patients.. just as a side note... UGM... perhaps you've heard of them... still an international organization if i remember :D)

your all so wonderfully sweet here.

livingbybeats hahahah that was great, thats why i love people.
when it comes to dating each one of us is a hypocrite in one form or another, heheheheeh it makes things lively and messy.
wonderfully written!