Ok here's my questions seems how we have this whole men thing going, one of you guys help me with this!!
I have been with my hubby for 10 years, haven't been happy for at least the last 5 yrs., i have tried to make our marriage work and he has done nothing but help him self leaving us with nothing before and not working, yes everyone thinks he's a loser but he has cheated and done everything in his power to make sure i go nowhere. Tell me why he would keep doing this to his family? I really don't understand, when i mention divorce he gets all sad but everything but goes back to his normal self, being selfish. What is a person to do in this situation? I want to leave but he gets all mushy and sad? and the problem is he knows i am not happy, why would he drag this out instead of letting go? Please help me!!

Have you tried marriage counseling?

if you have tried everything in your power to fix it and he's not taking to it. then tell him that your gonna give him a certain amount of time (6 months) or something to shape up and if not then your gonna leave. you have to be strong, i know it hurts when you mention divorce and he gets all sad but he's just doing that so you will get a guilt trip and stay. stand your ground.

sounds like he wants control of you .. wants his cake and eat it too, but if your not happy why dont you do something for yourself take care of number one which is you... why tolerate abuse ..so you can become a victim? no your number one my freind stand up and do something!!! for you and you children

First, if u r not happy you need to get out of there.
Second, you know his tactics, nevertheless, u fall for them.
Third, you know he will be the same.
Fourth, stop wondering things that you already know the answers.
Fifth, take actions get out of it for good. Be strong and stand firm by yourself.

My ex essentially did the same thing for years, guilted me into staying so he wouldn't have to deal with life himself. I finally found the strength to say no more, with the help of a really good friend. Best thing I ever did, my only regret is not having the courage to do it sooner.

Call me old fashioned, but I'm a firm believer in marriage. Despite the hard times you guys have made a commitment. Pray for him & your family, and try even harder.

Love conquers all.

Mrs.Right is right!

Thanks guys i really needed tht extra advice, i have tried marriage counsling but he won't go, or he said he would but when i ask him to he's to busy. It feels like there is nothing there, i will keep you guys posted. Thanks so much!!

Personally I think it takes two to tango....or in this case have a marriage! If he is not willing to make the effort in order to save your marriage then I do not believe it is your responsibility to do his share and your share! You have been trying to get him to act like a husband for 5 out of your 10 yrs. of married life? How long are you expected to keep "trying harder" when he won't try at all? It is not right! You should not feel obligated to stay in a loveless marriage, when your husband will not even participate.

You have to make the decision yourself. I had wanted to go to counseling, he wouldn't go. I kept waiting for things to get better, they didn't. He left me no choice, I left him.

The longer you wait,the harder it will be to leave.You have to stop worrying about his feelings and start taking care of yourself.I know it's hard.I've been there,but you are just enabling him by staying and that isn't good for either of you.Good luck.My thoughts are with you.

My sister went though a similar ordeal. She was married for 25 years and had 3 kids. The whole time her husband was totally selfish an inconsiderate. He wasn’t actually a bad person in general. Although he did verbally abuse her, he never resorted to physical violence, nor did he ever cheat. He also didn’t have an drug or alcohol problems.

In short, he wasn’t doing anything wrong other than simply being selfish and inconsiderate (and possessive). By possessive, I mean he would even consider allow her to participate in public things, like plays at the local public theater, etc. She was seriously interested in participating in the arts, but he would not hear of it because he was jealous that she might meet other men (although he never gave that as his reason, he just claimed that her place was in the home blah, blah, blah).

In any case, after 25 years she finally couldn’t deal with it anymore and had no choice but to divorce. It was a horrible experience her and she was in agony trying to recover from the trauma of divorce for a good 10 years after that. He claimed that she broke her marriage vows and made out like she was the most despicable person in the world. Nothing could be further from the truth!

So if you’re only 10 years in and your already fed up you may as well escape now, it’s highly unlikely that things will ever change. Staying with someone out of feelings of guilt or a sense of duty is not healthy for anyone. What’s the purpose of that?

I agree that marriage counseling and so forth should be tried first my sister tried that too but it was all one-sided with her husband claiming “There nothing wrong!”.

Sad sad sad. I feel for you.

As long as you are taking care of him, why would he want to change. You need to take drastic action & let him tell his story WALKING. Do what you need to take care of you & any children. TOUGH love is a hard thing to do,but VERY necc.
Old saying, **** or get off the pot.

One word........addiction.

Addiction to power...addiction to control.

Addiction to being controlled.

Who are you, away from your husband?

What is your identity?

Do you have one, other than wife, and mother?

Please don't make the mistake of looking for a 'replacement model', 'a transition man', to ease you from your present relationship...

Who were you prior to marriage?

Where has she gone?

How much of your soul did you allow to be sold, to be who you are now?

I ask these of you, not wanting answers, but for you to answer you...then decide what it is you want to do.

There are two people in that relationship...two...as well as children...what are you teaching them?

They model much of their behaviours from their primary environment..

I am and always have been a firm beleiver in the phrase until death do us part. still I know sometimes it is just not possible to go that way. and it is just not a man thing, there are many women who also fall into that group. trying to place a guilt trip on the partner.

just checked your profile, notice you are now 26 years old and have been married for 10 years.that would make you a child bride, how old is he what led to marriage, was it love, or was it a necessity shotgun so to speak.

Dump him. Or stay together till the kids are grown and out of the house then dump him.

Never feel like you "have" to stay...sounds like you are being controlled. If you have children and you are staying for them...don't think you are helping them, if anything you are harming them. Children see how it is to stay in a loveless relationship and they learn what its like from what they see!

If you want to do counseling and he won't go, then what more can you do? I say don't feel sorry for him anymore. Feel stronger and start walking!!

Jess wrote:
“Please don't make the mistake of looking for a 'replacement model', 'a transition man', to ease you from your present relationship...”

I have to agree with Jess on this one. That’s definitely a no-no. You need to deal with you own situation. Trying to look for someone else to set you free from the trap will not work and any attempt to go that route will only end up making things much worse.

If you feel that you’ve fallen so far apart from the person that you’re living with that you can’t even deal with the situation directly, then you are indeed in need of a way out.

Having never been in that situation myself I can’ t speak from experience. But it seems to me that you need to just put your foot down and make it clear that you can’t go on the way things are. Either things are going to need to change dramatically (which would required counseling, goals, and some way to determine that progress is being made), or the relationship needs to be dissolved.

It’s difficult to dissolve a relationship without animosity. However, some people do manage to do it. You can convince your partner that you’d just like to divorce without blame. It’s nobody’s fault, it’s just didn’t work out. No need to point any fingers of blame. You just want to be set free from a situation that isn’t working. That may take time to accomplish, but a good start is to AVOID arguments of blame. It’s nobody’s fault, it just isn’t working. No need to blame, you just want out. Period.

It seems to me that if your husband has already cheated on you (so you claim) then he shouldn’t be all that concerned about finding another partner.

So try to avoid pointing blame. Just focus on the fact that it’s not working now and that’s the bottom line. No need to blame. Just end the relationship as peacefully as you possibly can. It need to escalate into a finger-pointing war. Even accept blame if that’s what makes him feel good. Just get out from under the situation with the least hostilities as possible. That’s really your only goal. Stick to the goal and don’t get side-tracked into finger-pointing wars. Keep focused on the idea that you’d just like to break up peacefully. "No hard feelings. Let's just go our separate ways."