Have you heard the news?

It's the kind of news that would make someone like me do a cartwheel. If I knew how to do a cartwheel.

For me, it's more than just news you stand around the water cooler and talk about.

This isn't just, "Hey, did you hear what Tim Tebow did now?"

Or, "Hey, did you hear what the President said last night?"

Or, "Hey, did you hear what Jim in accounting was doing with that banana in his office?"

This is big.

Big, big news.

Finally, this...this is news I can use.

It's news I've been praying for.

Have you heard?




What Older Women Want, Men Can't Deliver -- Sex Study

(Chicago) Many older women still want to have sex, but they might find their men cannot oblige.

So says a global survey of 27,780 adults aged 40 to 80 from 30 countries that found aging women become sexually dysfunctional at about half the rate of men.

"To the extent that women are (sexually active), they may be facing men who have problems," said lead researcher Edward Laumann, a University of Chicago sociologist due to present some of his findings at a Vancouver, British Columbia, conference on Thursday.

The survey found that 31% of middle-aged and older women lacked interest in sex, 22% were unable to achieve orgasm, 21% did not find sex pleasurable, 20% had trouble lubricating, and 14% experienced pain with sex.

Among men, about 20% suffered from erectile dysfunction, which increased to nearly half by age 80, according to the survey, which was funded by Pfizer, Inc., the maker of the impotence treatment Viagra.

Among the health problems common to older people associated with sexual dysfunction were diabetes and hypertension, especially in men. But psychological factors, especially depression, diminished interest in sex after 40.

In the United States, two-thirds of men aged 70 or older have a companion who is a potential sex partner, while less than one-third of women do because of women's longer life spans and divorce patterns.





Do you know what this means, friends?

Well, okay. Other than the fact it means your mother's a dirty little whore, do you know what this means…for me?

It means suddenly, redemption is at my doorstep.

Suddenly, 48 years of pain and degradation are about to be replaced by a smoking jacket, a pipe and Lawrence Welk in digital surround-sound.

Suddenly, a golden opportunity has been laid before me.

And by golden, I don't mean "Fort Knox" golden.

I mean "AARP" golden.

Yes friends, it seems that God -- bless His little heart -- has given me another chance. Another chance to be a great lover of women.

But not just any women, mind you. Mature women.

Women who are helped across the street by Boy Scouts. Women who love to sip hot tea. Women who wear thick, white panties.

Do you understand what this means, friends?

Well, okay. Other than the fact it means your mother is probably on top of the mailman right now, do you know what this means…for me?

It means that soon, I am so gonna get some granny ***.

Yes, after hearing this wonderful news about the thousands of depraved senior women in this country, I've come to realize that my physical incompetence hasn't been the problem. The problem's been my taste in women.

Well, not so much my taste in women as it is the age of my women.

The thing is, I've wasted all this time pursuing young, beautiful girls when the reality is, there are horny old women who would die for someone like me.

As opposed to just, y'know, regular falling over and dying.

Yup. All these years I've been after the hot chicks when I should've been chasing the ice-cold chickens.

I've been underputting with the younger set for far too long. It's time to move on to the bigger, the better, the saggier.

This is gonna be great for me. So great.

No longer will I hear, "You're kidding, right?"

Soon I'll look into those bifocals and hear, "Y'know, you look a lot like my grandson. Hop on, sonny."

The thing is, over the past 30 years as I've continued to disappoint my wife time and again, I've often wondered if there was someone out there who would appreciate what little I have to offer.

And while I figured that woman would be plastic and require an air pump, never in my wildest dreams did I think there'd be thousands of women happy to simply find a man with a semi-productive weasel.

"Me! Over here! Pick me!"

Yes suddenly, armed with this fabulous news, my life has taken a turn in a positive direction.

Ladies, your Boy Toy is here.

Soon, I will be a Stud Muffin. And that muffin will be bran.

Soon, I'm going to put the "grrr" back in girdles.

I'll be the Don Juan of Depends.

The Casanova of Creamed Corn.

The Emperor of the Early Bird.

All my insecurities will be pushed aside.

Finally, my dream has come true:

Women won't care at all about my love-making lack of ability. Instead, the mere fact that I'm actually capable of maintaining an erection for more than five seconds will make women squeal with glee.

Okay, four seconds.

My senior sluts won't care how big it is or how long it lasts. In fact, chances are it's been so long since they've seen one, they might just want to look at it for awhile.

Which has happened to me before. Followed quickly by a "Are you serious? Hey, could you hand me my vibrator?"

Not anymore, my friends.

Finally, I'm the one in the driver's seat. And that seat has one of those little metal bars next to it to help you get up.

Many older women still want to have sex, but they might find their men cannot oblige.

My god, there are so many benefits to this for me, I don't even know where to begin.

Starting now, my relationships with these old women will be strictly about sex. Sex sex sex. No longer will I have to worry about dating and birthdays and anniversaries and showing compassion and all that crap that we men have to put up with so we can get what we really want.

From now on, it's sex sex sex. Hard-core, flapping old flesh sex.

Starting now, this is going to be a Saturday night for me:

I'll drive to the Beachwood Home for the Aged.

I'll walk into the lobby. I'll take off my pants and I'll say, "One at a time, ladies. One at a time."

Oh, I'm sure there'll be a couple of public indecency arrests here and there at first. But once the police realize what wonderful service I'm providing to the elderly, they'll leave me alone.

Heck, they might even give me their mothers' phone numbers.

On occasion, I'll have a little fun with my new lady friends, too. Maybe even flirt with them a bit.

In fact, I've been working on some pick-up lines that I think should serve me pretty well.

"Excuse me, miss. I couldn't help but notice your nipples hanging out of the bottom of your shirt."

"Hey, howya doin? Would you like to see my wooden cane?"

"Lady, you look so hot pushing that walker, I can't even begin to tell you."

"I SAID, DO YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX?!"

The other thing is, as much physical pleasure as I'll get out of this, I'll also have the unique opportunity to learn from their experiences. Hopefully, they'll be able to teach me a few things to make me an even better lover.

With any luck, I'll be able to pick up some tips on things like:

*The most seductive way to take off orthopedic shoes.

*What to do if the oxygen tank gets knocked over while she's pressed against the wall.

*How to take out a set of dentures with your tongue.

Aging women become sexually dysfunctional at about half the rate of men.

After 48 years, women will be appreciative of having sex with me. Me? Even my hand doesn't appreciate having sex with me.

Which is why this is so perfect for me: I have such a low standard to live up to, I can't possibly fail.

I don't think.

Of course, I realize that most of the old men in the world will be angry with me. Really angry.

But is it my fault that I was blessed with a 78-year-old penis on a 48-year-old's body?

Besides, it's not like I want to steal their women.

Believe me, this is just about casual sex. I'm certainly not looking for any type of long-term commitment.

One, I don't want a long-term commitment. And two, for these women, long term is probably six months, tops.

The other great thing about this is that I'll never have to worry about any of these ladies calling my wife and telling her.

If they even think about it, I'll just threaten to hide their bingo stampers.

The survey found that 31% of middle-aged and older women lacked interest in sex, 22% were unable to achieve orgasm, 21% did not find sex pleasurable, 20% had trouble lubricating, and 14% experienced pain with sex.

Note to the 14% of you: trust me, there will be no pain issues. Not with what I've got. You've got nothing to worry about.

I'm telling you, this old-ladies-needing-sex thing is the greatest news ever.

This news has turned me into a new man. I'm gonna be an Elderly American Gigolo.

I'm gonna be like Richard Gere. Without a gerbil in my butt.

The trick, of course, is to maintain my current level of pathetic sexual prowess and I'll be in business for the next 30 years.

Frankly, I can't possibly see how it's going to get any worse than it already is. And even if it gets a little worse than it is right now, hell, I'll just have sex with 80-year-old women with Alzheimer's. Then she won't even remember what she had for dinner two hours before, let alone what happened in the last 10 seconds.

Okay, eight seconds.

How great is this? Are you happy for me?

I can't wait to get started.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to write a goodbye letter to my wife.

Dear Honey:

Sweetheart, I'm so sorry things haven't worked out for us. I apologize for letting you down over the last few decades.

Call me in, like, 30 years and I promise I'll make it up to you.

Love,

Me.

P.S. Do you know how I can get in touch with your grandma?

Excellent news, now I know what I have to do

Funny as hell.