All too often we hear about those we've dated that ended up being a huge mistake.

We never hear about the ones we turned down that we may have been wrong about.

So give it up...why did you turn them down, and what makes you think you made a mistake?

An hour later...maybe that's why we never hear about it.

Maybe most people don't really regret breaking up with someone. Sure it sucks at first, Just wait about 6 mos. Then you'll realize what a sigh of relief you'll let out.

no regrets here

as far as men I have turned down


one regret I have is seeing an old flame at a neighbor's one time and not speaking to him....pride got in the way....really loved him

but I felt on principle the first move was his and he did not do or say anything. I regret letting pride get in the way

When I was in my twenties, I turned down a marriage proposal from a graduate student I'd been seeing more or less casually for a couple of years. We'd been off and on, never in any kind of committed relationship, and we didn't even sleep together or anything... but apparently something had been going on in his mind and heart regarding me, and he hadn't told me. We came from different cultures -- he was from an upper-class family in India and I'm American -- so perhaps our worldviews can account for some of that.

Anyway, he was sweet and funny and always treated me like a queen, but he was so quiet and soft-spoken that I had always clearly been the dominant personality of the two of us, and I usually wound up carrying the majority of our conversations, despite not really wanting that role. Don't get me wrong, I love to talk just as much as I love to write, and it can be difficult getting me to shut up (LOL)... but that didn't mean I wanted to be in that position. Thing was, if I didn't say much, we just sat in silence. Companionable silence... but this wasn't what I wanted for a long-term relationship, which is why we were always strictly a casual thing, at least in my mind.

Until he asked me to marry him. I was gobsmacked. Sure he was joking, I stared at him for a moment, until he repeated the question. He'd just blurted it out at first, but it came out more deliberately the second time. I found myself having to explain how I'd been viewing our relationship, and quite honestly, I felt like a heel. I explained to him that I was afraid I'd dominate our relationship in ways that weren't healthy for either of us.

We remained friends, but he moved on to marry a lovely Indian woman a few years later, a physician who had also come to the US as a student. Around the time that happened, I was in a bad relationship with someone who was definitely not good for me, and I have to admit there were times when I wondered whether I might have been better off with the one I'd turned down.

I don't think he would have been better off with me, though. I was a lot less calm then, had less self-control and was more volatile... and he was so quiet and polite that it's entirely possible I might have steamrolled right over him in any number of ways without ever realizing it and without his ever telling me. He might well have simply suffered in silence, and that wouldn't have been good for him. Not to mention that I don't need the karma from something like that.

I've matured a lot as a person since then, but while I genuinely do want someone gentle and polite, I also know that I need someone who'll talk as much as I do and who won't hesitate to speak his mind and even disagree with me when he's so inclined. I need someone strong enough to both stand by me and stand up to me when appropriate.

I'm talking about people who you turned down for a date...

Pride is a stubborn beast, aint it?

I can think of some women, I regret not having gotten more intimate with. I think some people have a few of those.

That must have been an uncomfortable conversation at the time.

Do you think his quiet nature could have just been shyness over his feelings for you?

It was awkward, for sure. But no, he was just naturally a very quiet person. Some people are quiet at first, until they get to know you and you get them talking, and then they do just fine. I actually do well with guys like that, and I like them. But Shyam didn't talk much even with people he knew well. We'd actually met through a mutual friend, and she confirmed that he was always like that.

He was very sweet though... in fact, after we first met at a party our friend had, she called me up the following week to tell me that he had contacted her and more or less asked her permission to ask me out on a date and that I should expect to hear from him.

But once he got to know me, I really needed him to be more talkative and also to not always place me in charge. I wound up being in charge of nearly everything we ever did. I can be kind of alpha -- I'm an only child and a Leo -- but I really don't want to be the person who controls or determines everything in my relationships, and I don't want to carry every conversation. I want an equal partner.

Is it even possible for a man to do that?

Trust me, I've known several who did or do!

Sure, I know men who can have an entire conversation with me, and I never even have to open my mouth.

sometimes it protects us though. I really do think the first move should have been his.

Oh gee, have I been auditioning without knowing it?

ViaMusica, if you were't so far away I'd give you a hug. ((((V)))

I can really appreciate this struggle to find someone like you've described. My wife I separated from has a similar personality, but when it came to raising her son, she did not want to hear anything from me at all. It's what cost our marriage for the most part. She's brilliant, but couldn't take anyone else who disagreed or just had a differing opinion. This is an area people really need to focus on, because we had great chemistry, she just didn't have any patience after her son verbally abused her and walked all over her. Her poor son is going to be nearly worthless, unless he can turn around, but it takes two people saying more or less the same thing, showing more or less, the same example, and leading, guiding, nurturing, admonishing and loving the kids in a similar manner...let alone each other. I have to laugh, because after a few dates, she told me she had a really high IQ, then to this day, won't say what it is. I could keep up, believe me. She wouldn't take on most subjects because I had plenty of life experiences to counter what she thought. It's too bad, but she would not ever get on the same page. She needed all the praise, honor and glory, and never knew I could use some too. I regret not seeing this as a real character flaw that would bite me in two years and get me on the search for a new love again, with the divorce in the works. She just gave up. After being teacher of the year, I expected maybe above average mother of the year.... Ooops. You have to save some energy for your family and especially your spouse or it just won't work in the end.




LoneWolfToo

When I first tried internet dating a few years ago I was having no luck finding anybody that wanted to actually date me and I was getting pretty fed up with it and said so to this woman that kept sending me these "Hi babe" messages. She said that she would like a date with me and she invited me to her house where she was going to cook me dinner. She sort of lived in the middle of nowhere and she told me that she couldn't really go out because of "blackouts". I thought that was a bit weird and I didn't really feel that there had been any connection between us from the emails because she said very little and it was mostly just "Hi babe" and text speak, so I made an excuse and canceled the date.

I wouldn't say that I really regret that but she might have been quite nice and I have learned since then that just because someone sends horrible badly written text speak messages you can't just assume from that that they are a complete moron.

TOLD ya you two bicker like an old married couple.

What kept you from it? Are there any you regret letting slip by now?

Great point and, online, I think a lot of us get caught up in that. I suppose there is no way to really know without meeting them in person. I know very personable people who can't string a coherent sentence together when trying to write their thoughts down.

Kinda ironic that after stating that, I had to edit a punctuation error.