Hello everyone,

I'd love your opinion about a few things. I was having a discussion with a few friends and it made me curious ... I'd love your feedback... let's dish...
(Men, I'd love your feedback on my Wonderful Men post too )

1. Do you give much thought to your brand? Who you are, how you want to present yourself to a potential new partner.


2. How do you spot a tire-kicker? You know...the guy that just wants to look under your hood but doesn't want to buy the car.


3. Who do you attract more...the kind of men you don't want to date or the kind of men you do want to date?


4. What qualities does your dream man possess?

1. I don't consider myself brandable, so guess I don't give much thought to my brand. I present myself to the world, not specifically to men.

2. I may not recognize all tire-kickers, but the ones I do, give themselves away in the way they look OVER me instead of looking AT me and talk AT me instead of TO me.

3. I attract a wide variety just because I get along with just about every type. Thankfully, I do tend to attract the type I could really like in a romantic fashion too, often even those I'm surprised I could appeal to.

4. My dream man? Well, naturally he's devilishly handsome, confident without pretension, humorous without facetiousness, witty without malice, strong without ill temper, smart without arrogance, altruistically benevolent...oh, yeah, and fearlessly sails the seven seas rescuing innocent merchants and damsels in distress from merciless cut throat pirates. He's quite the dashing figure! Mitts off girls...he's MINE!

1. I think if a woman has a blog/website she's given thought to her brand.

2. All women can spot them, but they refuse to acknowledge it.

3. I don't think women attract what they want, they attract the love they think they deserve.

4. A woman just wants to feel safe, connected to, and valued.

well said... if he's good looking, that's all that matters nowadays...

Hey, I thought this thread was just for the ladies!


What is this...a panty raid?


Shoo on back to the men's question!


Who let these two out of their cages anyway?

1. I don't give much thought to it. I'm just me.

2. Can't always spot them, but those who try hard to be charming, using pickup lines and things like that tend to be that way.

3. Lately? Men I'm not interested in dating.

4. Confidence, sense of humor, honesty... beyond that, I have no checklist.

Yes, I give it quite a bit of thought. Do you mean brand as in 'Self Identity'? If so, then yes. I know who I am indefinitely. A first impression is important.



Those types never usually interest me anyway, as there are certain things that I just won't put up with. Chances are that if I feel he's a user, then he normally is.




I attract the type I want. I think it's because we have things in common. Similar tastes :)





Sense of humor, shy (only because I'm shy myself), manners, has his life in order, ambitious

Hello Ladies and Gentleman

Thank you so much for your responses.

Brand can mean many things. Self identity - yes. How do you present yourself? How much thought do you give to the impression you are making, etc.


If you are in a relationship with a man, what is most important to you? Feeling accepted? Feeling safe? Being respected? etc.

And what kills attraction?

Arrogant, controlling behavior kills the attraction.

1. Do I think about how I present myself? Yes, actually. I haven’t always done this, but once I realized that it does matter, I began investing more effort in it. It’s one thing for ME to know who I am and what I’m all about — and I do — but I want to convey that accurately to others who have not had the time to get to know me and who might not take the time if they don’t see something early on that captures their interest. Naturally, being involved in the arts as a writer and performer influences my attitude in this regard as well.

2. Tire-kickers: Ugh. I’ve run into my share of those, and I’m getting better at spotting them by the vibe they give off. Sadly, they seem to be growing more numerous, or perhaps that’s a function of age. As a 48-year-old woman, I’m only interested in men who are in their 40s or the first half of their 50s, and it seems to me that a higher percentage of unattached men in this age group tend to be a bit jaded and not necessarily looking to form a genuine bond with one particular woman at any given moment. A guy who might not be filling his garage with sports cars may well be filling his dance card with multiple partners instead, and while I certainly understand the concept of “try before you buy” and even agree with it, there comes a point when it’s time to stop shopping and make the deal. If a guy comes across as a player or someone who’s just window-shopping, I might enjoy a brief conversation with him but I’m not going to invest a lot of energy in anything more.

3. The kind of men I attract: I seem to attract more of the kind of men I don’t want to date than the kind I do, but I’m fully willing to admit that some of this is probably due to sheer numbers. It takes a certain kind of guy to really capture my interest, and there simply aren’t that many of them. There are far more of the types I’m NOT interested in, especially in the area where I currently live. Even online, though, where I at least have the potential to draw the interest of men in far-flung geographic areas, perhaps half a dozen out of any random 100 men really have what it takes to grab my attention, and maybe only one or two prove to be anything like what I’m looking for. Am I choosy? Sure I am, and that’s a choice too, so it isn’t something I’m going to complain about. I just happen to know what I like. I settled for less in a number of my past relationships, and finally decided I was tired of doing that.

4. My dream man? Heheh. Just remember you asked. He absolutely HAS to be intelligent, articulate and educated. I’m less picky about whether his education is formal (college/university) or informal (self-directed study, lots of reading, etc.) but he had better have an extremely agile mind or we aren’t going to mesh well. Reading is a requirement, and ideally, he’ll appreciate much the same type of literature I enjoy.

He also has to have a robust sense of humor and an appreciation for the absurd. I prefer extroverts to introverts (I’m an extrovert myself) but will consider either as long as he’s comfortable in his own skin and approaches life with confidence. Positive thinking is a MUST; I love an upbeat attitude. He has to be liberal-minded, passionate about something in life, have a variety of interests, and active rather than passive. He also has to be willing to laugh at himself, know when NOT to take things seriously (and conversely, when TO do so), fun-loving, and willing to have a woman be on equal ground with himself. Ideally he will be slow to anger, quick to forgive, and patient when life hits a snag.

Physically… well, a full head of hair is nice. I just don’t get turned on by bald men, unless he’s Patrick Stewart. Average body type preferable; truly overweight guys tend to be less active than I am, and the hard-core athletes are likely to be a bit TOO hard-core for me (though I’m willing to make exceptions in either direction for someone who truly impresses me in other aspects).

5. If I’m in a relationship with a guy, what's important to me? Well, a number of things, equally so. I want to feel accepted (what’s love without acceptance?) but I also want to feel safe, respected and valued. There also has to be trust, both given and received. It’s hard for me to point to any one of those items and say “this is the most important” because they all form a portion of the whole picture of what it means to be loved.

6. What kills the attraction? Major dishonesty would do it. Cheating would do it. Being hypercritical, immature, impatient or — dare I say it? — violent would do it, too. As Singmesweet noted, arrogance and controlling behavior would also do it. So would shutting down communication or withholding affection. Lots of things are potential relationship-killers for nearly any couple, and that’s why relationships have to carefully tended, just like a garden.

Great questions!

Everyone has a personal brand...Some are aware of theirs, some are not...It's about HOW OTHERS SEE US...Our personality, goals, interests, morals and values, skills, looks.....Everything!...Sadly, I didn't give much thought to my personal brand when I was young..Thankfully, with each passing decade, that changed and improved.....Parenting, career, marriage, divorce, education, travel, blessings, tragedies, life experience all contributed to the process...On the outside, I am just an older version of what I have always been, but on the inside much has changed....I know what I want and need to take from life and what I want and need to give back....So without going into all the details, yes, I give a lot of thought to my personal brand in every aspect of my life, especially when meeting a potential new partner...

Now that I am older and wiser, tire kickers are easy to spot...When I was young, I was naive and vulnerable and I made my share of mistakes...Experience has taught me to recognize most, if not all, of the signs early enough to avoid major damage without sacrificing my trust in the virtue of the people I meet...

I attract both, which makes it even more important to know my personal brand...

I know this will get a few eye rolls, but the only specific quality is "us" , how well we mesh....If he "gets" me and I "get" him and we like what we get, as a couple we're going to sizzle...

I agree with Singme, arrogant control freaks with bad breath and poor posture

those are some interesting questions....part of me just wants to type a big IDK in capital letters and run...lol

I will, however, make an honest effort...
1. My brand? No. I go for well groomed and feminine but don't take it much past there. I try to just be myself because if he doesn't like that person...what's the point?

2. To me what you are calling a tire kicker I'd call a player. They are fairly easy to weed out. Make them wait for sex. That's gets rid of the majority of them. Also listen for excuses....excuses for why he can't/won't take you out and wants instead to "come over and talk." uh - yeah, right. Also if he is checking out every chick in the room or he's 35 and never been in an LTR of any kind. Watch for the smooth talker - he'll call you baby, he doesn't listen well, easily distracted, will try quickly to get you alone.

3. This one I really don't know the answer to as I am not real type specific on who I want to date. If I like him I will date him.

4. The qualities my dream man possesses are NONE of those and the opposite of those listed in the response to #2...oh yeah....I'm onto the dude

May I just say ... you women are amazing!

Thank you so much for your thoughtful responses. I am so grateful for your honesty and vulnerability in sharing these pieces of you.




I didn't roll my eyes at all Leigh. In fact, isn't that really what all of us want...men and women? To just be accepted for who we are, to accept others for who they are...can't you just feel every cell in your body relax in that?

When I facilitate classes, one of the questions I always ask groups is 'how many of you have at least one person in your life that doesn't judge you about anything ever?'

No matter where these classes are in the world the results have been consistent...20-25%. In actuality, I am surprised that it is that high but even so that leaves 75% of the people who feel judged and not acceptable as they are by even 1 person. That is a travesty in my mind.

...but ... I digress ... as I often do ...


If you could speak to your 20-year-old self knowing all you know now. What would you say to you?

1) Like Leigh, I never gave much though to my brand when I was younger but we all have one whether we are conscious of it or not. What I find interesting about it is that people can form very rigid ideas about who they have decided we are so if you show up outside the box of their expectation suddenly 'you've changed'. It isn't that we've changed, we are still being us. It is that they had expectations of who we are that were limited to the what they had already decided about you and you are functioning outside of that. Some people will roll with your evolution and some won't. (remember the New Coke fiasco? )

These days I am much more conscious of my 'brand' and my influence.



2. I agree, tire kickers are pretty easy to spot when you own who you are. So many women though derive their self worth from the validation they get from men which makes them quite vulnerable.


3. I am in currently in a relationship so am not looking to attract anyone at all. I do tend to attract both men I would date and men I wouldn't choose to.

4. The qualities I look for are acceptance, confidence, caring, authenticity...


5. I agree with ViaMusica, there are several things that are important but acceptance is first for me.

6. Like Singme -- controlling or violent behaviour kills it for me



If I could speak to my 20-year old self, I would tell her to follow her dreams without fear. I would tell her to stop judging herself and her body. And I would tell her that who she is ... is enough!

Well said!

Hi girl.....missed y'all.

:)

Do I give much thought to my brand?......yes.

You say "tire kicker".....I am pretty sure the actual term is "one night stand"....If he don't come back....you weren't very good in bed.

No offense.

Who do I attract?....anyone I want.

But...I am good with my woman....I don't want anyone else.

"What qualities does my dream man possess"?

Let me start with..."DOESN'T HAVE A PENIS"

All of the above are important, but since I already feel fairly well accepted and respected and safe if we are already in a relationship, I'm going to go with connected. I really like to feel in cinque with him. We don't have to finish each other's sentences or anything, but there is an ease to being with someone you really GET. It's also easier to make someone smile if you're tuned into how they think and feel about things.

What kills attraction for me is mean spiritedness. I could never be with someone bitter and angry and temperamental.

Oh, another one!

I would tell my 20 year old self that no matter how frustrating and lonely she's going to feel, she should keep being selective. I'd tell her that it has served her very well, and each long wait will have been SO worth it! I'd also tell her not to second guess what she can do in life, because it turns out she's capable of more than she can possibly imagine now.

Dear (20 year old) Self,

Why are you being so hard on yourself?...It's time someone told you...

You don't have to be perfect to be loved...

You don't have to be perfect to be successful...

You don't have to be perfect to be happy...

Striving for perfection is a "set up to fail", strive to be real! ...

Love you,

Leigh...

Dear twenty year old self,

You may think you're a fully-developed adult by now, when actually, you're still pretty much a child. Your thinking is naive. Why do you put a deadline to be married and have children by age 30? Do you think you'll die if you do those things when your PAST 30? Also, you need to stop thinking too far ahead. . Think about tomorrow, instead of ten years down the line.