In the summer of 2011 I tried to "get off the bus". This is just my of saying I tried to commit suicide. I have been writing almost as long as I've been drawing and I always write down things I am going through. I wrote this a couple months before I tried getting off the bus and since the best writing usually comes out of darkness and pain I wanted to share it here. Perhaps someone else is struggling out there and they will be able to relate.

I do want to offer this suggestion: if you are feeling like I was it is always therapeutic to write your feelings down. Don't feel bad about it and if you need to talk to someone then please do. A lot of people feel like this and there's no harm (or shame) in letting other people know.

There is some personal stuff in here, but they talk about sex and being Bi on this forum so this shouldn't freak anyone out.

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RAIN DANCES


Recently I had one of those moments that come on the verge of waking up ... I realized that I was going nowhere. Needless to say this woke me right up, as those half-waking moments of crystal clear thought usually do. With that realization came another, like a gust of wind blowing along a field of grass; all the years I spent wading through self doubt, social anxiety, and acceptance had wrought me to where I am right now.

Nowhere.

I know my biggest problem is lack of initiative. No matter how hard I try I can never seem to get myself motivated. I am often reminded of Elijah, up there on Mt. Carmel, praying for rain. He prayed seven times, and each time he would send his servant off to look for rain. His servant returned six times with the bad news, "There is nothing." Then finally, on the seventh try, "There is a cloud, as small as a man's hand, rising out of the sea!"

I'm also reminded of the Indians. They showed the same persistence when they held their ceremonial rain dances. They did not stop until the rains came, even if it took days. Like the prophet Elijah they held stedfast, never wavering, holding fast to their belief that, eventually, the rains would come.

Here in Michigan we have many Indian tribes. I often imagine the Chippewa or the Menominee gathered around a roaring fire on the shores of Gitchee Gumee, their chanting echoing throughout the great undisturbed expanse of the U.P. Night and day, the fire burns, and they would dance. They would not stop until the rains came. This is what it means to have drive, ambition, an unfettered desire to see something through to the end.

God, give me this ....

It pains me to know I have a natural born talent and that it is basically going to waste. I have been drawing things since I was a kid. My mother used to keep the wrinkled old pages from a coloring book and show them to friends. "See," she would say, smiling brightly, holding up the pages. "And the amazing thing is he never colored a one outside the lines." I guess this was amazing, as I learned in later years, considering I was only three years old when I did this.

I won't go into any details, but I was born with a rare endochronological disorder called Klinefelter's Syndrome. It is this handicap which has cause a great deal of my problems throughout my life. Because of it I can only do certain jobs (like my current crappy hotel one), and these type of jobs usually do not offer insurance or benefits of any kind. So it has been difficult to get certain things taken care of. I had a regular doctor once, a specialist, back when I was first diagnosed with this syndrome (I was twenty years old). He was giving me weekly injections of a couple drugs (I don't recall the names). Medicaid was paying for this, but unfortunately when I turned twenty-one Medicaid dropped me, and I got a little behind trying to pay for them myself. Since I could no longer afford the medicine the doctor refused to see me anymore. So much for the Hippocratic Oath, eh? More like the Hypocritic oath, if you ask me.

So ... here I am. I get up every day and just wade through the hours. Because I have been off the medication for so long I am always tired and listless, common side effects of the syndrome. Being this way does not motivate me to do much. I try not to think too far into the future, if I can help it. It's dark, and dangerous, down that way. I look out the window as I am typing this. It is snowing again, late into February. The sky is not smiling, either. I am tired, as always. I do not have the strength or the drive to dance. And I wonder ...

... will the rain ever come?

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It's honesty is touching. Welcome to mingle.

Thanks, Day :)

Candid, introspective...A nice share McKinnon!

Somewhat sad, but.... an enjoyable read.

very well written.. you portray your sadness and despair with great feeling..

thank you for sharing, what must have been, a very difficult time for you

d, I googled Klinefelter's Syndrome, so I could better understand your story, and I can truthfully identify with your medical vs. coverage issues. I know and understand that being unable to get the medical care required to improve quality of life can greatly decrease psychological/emotional perseverance, and being alone in this struggle can compound the issues as well. But, now that your journey has led you here to Mingle, perhaps you will make many new friends to share your creative drawing and writing abilities with, and you'll be able to divert your attention onto more adventurous avenues. You certainly have talent, it's clear in this write... and we look forward to reading more from you...

Thanks. Perhaps my jaded side will [wink]

aaww.. you never let a girl live it down, huh...

Uh, no...

okay then, I pinky swear to be good from now on...

LOL....yeah, right. Now back to our regularly scheduled posting.

Thankyou for sharing your story...It can be daunting when the medic profession lets you down all the sake of $$$'s...Crazy frikkin world we live in...

Use your drawing talent often, so it leads you where you need to be...

I also like that you don't look too far into the future, simply because, TODAY is all that matters, and what you put into Today, determines Tomorrow...

The rain will always come, no matter what...