I don't even know how to start this...

I belong to a few dating sites, for those of you that know me, know this already. I've decided after all this time, that I refuse to "settle" in relationships from now on. My problem is now is...I have gone out with this man just once, and felt that there was not really any "fireworks". We had a nice conversation while meeting, but I didn't feel that instant connection. He has sent me numerous emails wanting to meet again. I'm just not sure if I would be wasting my time or not. Please....your input with your experiences would be greatly appreciated....

I honestly think it's best to just tell him you're not sure you want to pursue it any further. If you were him you'd want to know. You might also think you could win him over but you know yourself and if that won't happen just tell him

Just be honest with him and tell him you would like to be just friends. or if u feel u dont want to be friends, just tell him you arent interested..

Maybe the anticipation of the first date changed the way you looked at him...if you had good conversations on the phone or in emails, maybe you were hoping for the fireworks to fly. My opinion, when things like that happen is to go out once more and just see if maybe things could be better without the first date jitters.


Hope it works out the way you want it too, Joanne.

Puff, I think you actually provided your answer in your sentence about refusing to "settle." It sounds to me like what you're really saying is "He's nice, but...." and I think you need to pay more attention to the "but" than to the "nice."

Because "nice" doesn't necessarily equal "sparks."

The bad scenario is you continue to see him and finally decide, 6 months down the road, that there are still no sparks, and now what to you have to show for it but 6 months of hanging out with a nice guy who just doesn't do it for you?

If you need that instant connection -- and there's nothing wrong with that, sometimes we get that and we just KNOW -- then don't settle for anything less. I'm betting in the end you would wind up dissatisfied anyway....maybe the next one will be different....and worth waiting the extra little bit of time for....

I usually give it a few dates before I confirm that initial feeling. But, if you know in you gut it won't go anywhere after the first date, trust that and just tell him you're not interested.

Good luck!

Eileena, thanks honey


Lex, he was a nice guy, BUT, I've been with "nice" guys and have not felt anything. I just don't want to feel like I'm wasting my time on someone that just will not do it for me. I'm not sure if meeting just one time...is enough to make a fair decision about it. Do you know what I mean?

Puffins...

First dates are HIGLY over rated ....I mean think about it? are we in such a hurry in our lives to cut some one out getting to know them just because there were no sparks?

I have seen it time and time again on other dating sites People both Men and Women complain the date ended because there were no sparks.

I have a 3 date rule if there is no chemistry by then it's not meant to be. If anything you come away with the meeting is possibly making or having a new friend out there.

it just seems to Me that We are looking for the quick fix some times do to loneliness etc what ever it may be I have found a few times that the sparks connection was just that SPARKS they seemed to fizzle out.

Some of the best friends I have to this day dating wise or etc have been People I have argued with or did not get along with at first.

I dunno it takes more than a first date to get to know some one to make a judgement call that's just Me.

just wanted to add my 2 bits good luck Puffins.

there was this guy that i met awhile back on another dating site, he seem nice enough and all, but he had a attitude problem that stunk and i told him truthfuly, as it was do to his ex wife as she cheated on him but also she had died a few months prior.. but he didnt need to act that way towards me.. but i came out and told him what i felt. he never contact me again after that

I totally agree with "highly overrated" and the 3 date rule.

However, I still think there has to be that elusive chemistry there. Just that *something* that is different about the person. It may not be some physical attraction, but just something about them that keeps you curious and wanting to know more.

Don't dismiss too quickly. In the end, just trust your heart and check in with the brain once in a while for kicks.

I'VE BEEN IN THE SAME SITUATION BEFORE. DON'T WORRY ABOUT HURTING HIS FEELINGS. YOU NEED TO HONEST AND UPFRONT WITH HIM. YOU EITHER WANT TO GO OUT AGAIN, OR YOU DON'T. PLAIN AND SIMPLE. JUST TELL HIM WHATEVER IT IS. BE STRONG AND SPEAK YOUR MIND.

Puff -- Sure, I understand. One time may not be enough to come to a definitive conclusion. And if you're really not sure, then I see nothing wrong with seeing him again.

But, in reading the way you worded the original post, I just didn't see anything in there that made me feel you had any particular attraction to him. The entirety of the positives attributed to him is found in the words "nice conversation"!

Not to say an attraction couldn't develop in the future; but from the way you described your unwillingness to settle, I got the idea that you were leaning in the direction that to be with him any longer would mean some settling was already taking place.

Either way, it can't hurt to give it another shot. Frankly, I'd be surprised if anything changed, but what have you got to lose?

Oh yea. And just always, always, always be honest with yourself (your heart) and with the other person. No one wins or gains when we're not truthful.

Ok, I'm done now. What's for dinner?

^^^^OH YA .........ok now who sounds like Dr.Phil......

sound advice Bayarea.

Dr. Phil rules!

Hail! Dr. Phil!

Well you cant get to know someone if you dont
get to no him!!!!
Now i understand about the sparks
but thats just eye candy!!
witch theres nothing wrong with that!!
but seven out of ten times it will
spark after you talk awhile and find thoses
little other things that make you smile
and giggle about!!
now those are the sparks your looking for!!

ok....

I think I should say this to help explain further. I settled when I married my second husband. I kept thinking, hoping, that it would get better. It never did. We were only married for 2 1/2 years. I was never a wife, just a paycheck. I knew before we got married that it was a mistake, but I kept thinking that it would get better. Obviously it didn't. I've decided that it is a waste of my time and my energy to settle from now on. I put so much of myself into my last relationship and it just didn't work as much as I wanted it to. I find as I get older, I've gotten stronger. I am tired of all the BS that goes with trying to make it work, when it is clearly a one-sided thing. I am tired of making the same STUPID mistakes. After a while, you can only beat yourself up....so much...then you just have to STOP.

O lil puff!!!
yes dont kick your own butt!!
but mabey take baby steps instead of trying to jump
the whole distance !!!
most of the time its right under your nose!!

Sexy....

That might be true, about being right under my nose. I just wish I could make up my mind and then stick to that decision. Instead, I feel as if I am going to keep making the same mistakes as the past. Does that make any sense to you?

Puffins, I was in a similar situation and went on a date with a "nice" guy three times.. I even kissed him once He is still a "nice" guy. The third date was no better then the first or second. My advice would be not to waste your time. You know in your heart if there is something there that you want to pursue.