Have you ever had someone in your life that you cared about to the point that it hurt? I’ve been in that situation as of late, but my situation seems a bit strange. You see, like I stated in a previous note, I had an older sister named Jessica. She passed away after she was born on June 23rd, 1985. My mom gets sad around that time, and it really shows. She lost her daughter, and I can only be there for her to help her grieve, if need be. However, I can’t really feel her heartache, if that makes sense. At least not in the way she feels it. But to be honest, I can’t even put a label on the whole ‘gender specific pain’ that seems to be floating around. I’ve loved and lost as well, and to be blunt, it hurts like a son of a *****. Sometimes at night, I find myself wide awake (This is nothing new, trust me.) thinking about what my life could’ve been like had Jessica lived. How I would interact with people, or how my own family life would be. Would I be more social with family as opposed to right now? Would I have this anger and distance from my half-sisters? Better question: Would my immediate family be like it is right now? Despite all of the anger, the fights, the good times, the laughter, the tears and the follies, would we all be close like we are now had she lived? The mere thought of it makes me cry, because I’ll never know the answer.



It may seem selfish to some, you know, writing about this. But I feel like I owe this to her in some respect. I wonder if Jessie and I would have the same tastes in music, art, food or even clothing. Despite her being roughly a year older than me, would I have played the role of ‘protector’ toward her? Here’s a question I almost shudder to think of: Would my dad be ‘that dad’ when she brought guys over to meet us? You know what I’m talking about, right? The big guy with the shotgun who just stares at you, hoping to find an ounce of deceit within you, as he happily, and a bit cynically, strokes the barrel of his gun, all the while talking to you about how precious his little girl is and whatnot. Yeah, it scared me too. But, I wouldn’t put it past my dad. He loves his daughter, my half-sister Da’Nae for those of you who were wondering, or gave a damn, and me equally. If someone hurt her, I’m fairly sure he’d tear the world apart to find out who did it. Kudos, pops. However, I digress. These thoughts of mine get stronger by the day, and I find myself asking more ‘whys’ as opposed to anything else. Outside of my other half-sister Kindra, my mom’s daughter, did God (Or whatever religious figure you believe in. I don’t judge.) even want my mom to have more than one child? Jessica died as soon as she had three minutes of life outside of the womb, and I was damn near dead at several points during my first ten months of my life. It seems like a sick joke if you ask me.



I think I know why my mother cries now, honestly. Maybe she, too, has these questions. Not so much from a sibling to sibling stance like I do, but more along the lines of the mother/daughter relationship. How would she and my mom interact with one another? Would Jessica and my mom share the same things that my mom and I share? Would they be clones of one another? Would she drive me crazy at some point? I don’t know, nor will I ever get the chance to know. However, I think this is exactly why, when I have children of my own, I want a large family. One child would be awesome, sure, but I don’t want my son, or my daughter, to grow up alone, if you will. You can have all the friends you want, but at the end of the day, when you get picked up from school, or you get picked up from grandma and grandpa’s house, you’re getting picked up alone. You go home alone. That bothers me a great deal, especially since I dealt with it during my own life. I don’t want my little boy, or my little girl, to grow up without a brother or sister. I don’t want them to know what it’s like to be alone, at least from a sibling point of view. I’m all for kids having spontaneity and imagination, or even imaginary friends, but, in my honest opinion, that can only go so far. And for the record, imaginary friends don’t work. I’ve tried it when I was younger, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. As I sit here and think more about Jessica and what life could’ve been like, I find myself reverting back to thoughts of school and whatnot. I’m not sure why. Probably has something to do with the whole ‘finding yourself’ thing, especially when it comes to junior high and high school. What would that have been like? I was pretty quiet and standoffish in high school for the most part, but as I got used to my surroundings, I was pretty cool. I often wonder what my sister would’ve been like though. Would she be the social butterfly, or the hardcore studier? Would she be a rebel, or a teacher’s pet? Personally, I think it would be kind of cool if she stood up for friends who deserved it and such. Hell, I think it would be cool if she invited me over to sit down and have lunch with her from time to time. It’s the little things that make life awesome, you know?



I’m 25 years old. 26 this year. Had she lived, Jessica would be 26 going on 27. Looking back on my own life, a part of me wants to say it was wasted, while another part of me wants to say it was miraculous. However, I think my life is just what it is: life. Life isn’t perfect, no matter how much you want it to be or wish it was. You take the hand you’re dealt, and you play the hell out of it. I just wish the dealer would’ve given Jessica more time to get her hand organized before they made her fold. It angers me outright, and I am not ashamed to admit this either. I crave a sibling. I do. Yes, I have half-sisters, but we’re not close at all. Legitimately. One of them is in God-Knows-Where North Carolina (Last I heard), while my other half-sister is somewhere in Illinois. Every time I see either of them, I get somewhat sick to my stomach, and yet, I put on a smile to ensure that things are alright, at least for the sake of my parents. But then I think about Jessica, and how I would be had she lived. Would this feeling even come to fruition? Better yet, would she feel the same way I do? Who knows. All I know is that I miss my big sister, even though I never laid eyes on her, nor have I uttered a word to her. I don’t think it’s silly at all, nor do I think it’s foolish to feel this way. She’s my family. She’s my blood. Regardless of consequence, fate or otherwise, that much remains true. I shed my tears for her.



I love you, Jessica. With all of my heart.



-Your younger brother,

James

someone in your life that you cared about to the point that it hurt? I’ve been in that situation as of late,

my blood. Regardless of consequence, fate or otherwise, that much remains true

Sooo..Heartfelt*



Thank you...((Juice))

Thanks, 2Kids.