Thinking of Having Kids?

Lesson 1
Go to the grocery store.
Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
Go home.
Pick up the paper.
Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are
parents and berate them about their...
- Methods of discipline.
- Lack of patience.
- Appallingly low tolerance levels.
- Allowing their children to run wild.
Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep
habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior. Enjoy it,
because it will be the last time in your life you will have
all the answers.

Lesson 3
To discover how the nights will feel...
Walk around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing
approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other
obnoxious sound) playing loudly. At 10PM, put the bag down, set the alarm
for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room
again, with the bag, until 1AM. Set the alarm for 3AM. As you can't get back
to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45AM. Get up at 3AM
when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4AM. Get up. Make
breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...
- Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
- Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all
summer.
- Stick your fingers in the flower bed. Then rub them on the clean walls.
- Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang
out.
Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6
- Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a jar of paint, turn it
into an alligator.
- Now take the tube from a roll of toilet paper. Using only Scotch tape and
a piece of aluminum foil, turn it into an attractive Christmas candle.
- Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty packet of Cocoa
Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

Lesson 7
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out
in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave
it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the cassette player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back
seat.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
There . Perfect.

Lesson 8
Get ready to go out.
Wait outside the bathroom for half an hour.
Go out the front door.
Come in again.
Go out.
Come back in.
Go out again.
Walk down the front path.
Walk back up it.
Walk down it again.
Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every cigarette
butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the
way.
Retrace your steps.
Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbors come
out and stare at you.
Give up and go back into the house.
You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Lesson 9
Repeat everything at least (if not more than) five times.

Lesson 10
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find
to a pre-school child. (A full- grown goat is excellent). If you intend to
have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries
without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat
eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even
contemplate having children.

Lesson 11
Hollow out a melon.
Make a small hole in the side.
Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying
melon by pretending to be an airplane.
Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
You are now ready to feed a nine- month old baby.

Lesson 12
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Barney, Disney, the
Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV for at least five years.

Lesson 13
Move to the tropics. Find or make a compost pile. Dig down about halfway and
stick your nose in it. Do th is 3-5 times a day for at least two years.

Lesson 14
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying "mommy" repeatedly. (Important: no
more than a four second delay between each "mommy"; occasional crescendo to
the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car
everywhere you go for the next four years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 15
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug
on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the "mommy" tape
made from Lesson 14 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an
adult while there is a child in the room.

OMG... I'm glad mine are adults.. could not go through that again.

yeah...three of mine are gone with relatives, and i'm left with the four-year-old...thinking...wow, what an easy day. i'm shocked that i have so much time. even with her right in the room...clean-up, cooking, all of that...is SO much easier.

The joys of Motherhood... do I ever remember those days.

so true.

rotflmfao!!!!


omg!!!
truth hurts!! and i have 4 of the goat like things!!
hehe




i love my goats!!

omg...i've got an 10,11 and 13 year old that still does those things..and i feel like i'm still raising pre-schoolers at times

Sometimes I see a baby and go, oh, how cute, and then those toddler and pre-school days come rushing back and I am snapped back to my senses!

Lu-That was great!

River, I'm so with you. I love babies. I'm around one for long enough and I have the itch. Then my son goes bananas and all bets are off! Good thing I have the gall bladder surger scar to remind me of the hell of pregnancy. Shudder!

My boy is back from vacation with his Daddy. Back to real life. Went on dates and everything while he was gone, but so happy he is back. I can sleep now. Don't sleep all too well when he is away.

OMG that is great!!! soooooooooooo true except they need to add smearing poop all over the wall and peeing in the floor and them throwing a towel on it to hide it or peeing in the bed with a towel to hide it.OR!!!!!! best of all lighting the trash can on fire!!!! my three year old lit the trashcan on fire one morning with a zippo that nither myself or my dad could get to light

WOW you are a true GODESS, You should right books for parents to be or newlywed couples... and go on Jay Leno and proclaim your wisdom and insight. Thank you for sharing all this with us. You are so wonderful to share all this knowledge here!!!

*looks down from her pedestal*

um...am i sensing a bit of sarcasm?

That is so great!! My daughter just turned one and is starting the "mum-mee" thing repeatedly. Tonite she climbed out of her high chair and was standing on TOP OF HER TRAY when I turned around from getting her milk. She's getting rolls of duct tape for Christmas :)

oh, what a doll!!! what wonderful muscle development...

hey...try all of this and lots more times 2 and then...welcome to my past 4 1/2 yrs...ive got twins.and a 15 yr ol

Ya know Lulu, your post got me thinking about kids.
And ya know what else?

I think I am just going to skip that all and see if i can legally adopt a post grad college student.........

The most they can do is run me into the poor house....

hehe

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! too funny and TRUE!!!

lol, and that's just the NORMAL kids...

How true it is,,, Hmmmmmmmmmmmm All the things I get to look forward to with my grandchildren too..........

2 and 6 One Girl One Boy....And all of the Above is True Bless there lil Hearts