Unless its personally addressed to me (like the person actually took the time to write me a quick note addressed to me), and includes the statement "please RSVP", I pretty much ignore invites. Mass-mailing invites is so easy to do, lots of people are doing it. It would take too much time to respond to *every* impersonal mass-mailed invite I got from an acquaintance.

Plus, I prefer not to plan most things. My real friends know me well enough to know not to expect an RSVP unless they really make it clear that one is expected.

Consider this: unless the person had said earlier "please invite me to this event", you really just imposing on them to send them an invite with an RSVP expectation. Maybe they just want to do their own thing? And now, in order not to be 'rude', they have to take time to respond to someone else's unsolicited invite?

We all have a slightly different idea of what it means to be rude, and what it means to be friends.

I don't think there is anything at all wrong with that person's behavior....but if you guys can't see eye to eye on how you should treat each other, then if I were you I would just consider not inviting her next time.

They had invited me the same way to get-together a few weeks before, so that wasn't an issue. They got in touch with me tonight to explain what was going on....there was a family issue they were hoping to get resolved before giving me an answer but it didn't happen.

I sent out the invite the day Jon and I booked his trip to NY, so no one knew about it beforehand and the people I invited are the few people who have always been there for each other for the past 30 years, since we met in high school. Any note to get together is never considered an "unsolicited invite" but an invite to have a bunch of laughs and some good times.

And Sherrie, I wish you lived closer too!!!!!

Ummm...yes. Did you put an RSVP on them? Not that everyone these days knows what that means, but still...
I'm sorry for your frustration.

How you invited people shouldn't matter. We are all adults and we all should have the smarts to RVSP without being told, and as well if you are going to commit to an event; be mature enough to show up. It takes a couple seconds to mark it in a calendar; so there is no excuse that you forgot. I think people are just plain rude and there is no excuse for this.

In my town, OC, CA RSVP is non-existent, Invite hundreds expect 60 people. I just got in the habit of invited everyone and telling them to bring a friend. Then you are guaranteed a party. Well most my friends will ask if they can bring a friend, I always say sure. Half of them will actually show up, and most of them will show about an hour or two late.

Navygirl, based on my post above, do you think that I am rude? If you were to send me a generic invite, I would simply ignore it.

Some weeks I get 20 to 30 invites to parties, shows, social bike rides, dinners, etc. Most of them are not really my friends.



Exactly! Simone, you make an excellent point about different regions having different cultures and protocols.

I guess we are all different. If you are talking things like being on a mailing list; like one for shows, etc; that is different. I am talking about people you know that you consider friends. I would consider that person rude if they were my friend and couldn't be bothered to respond to me. Someone sends me an invite; I take the 2 seconds it takes to respond yes or no. I think if someone took the time to send me an invitation that 1) it would be someone I know, and 2) that they obvisoulsy want me to come or they wouldn't have invited me.

No, I'm not talking about being on a listserv, or a formal mailing list. Many of my acquaintances are in bands, others are just really social. I'm talking about people who send out emails to all of their 'friends' (though to some people, a 'friend' is someone you go do things with and have fun with, as opposed to someone with whom you cultivate a deeper personal relationship).

The point I'm trying to make is that the internet era has created a lot of grey area between "personal invite between close friends" and "faceless, informal promotion". Its so easy for us to invite 'all our friends' with a few clicks. Which is fine, as long as people don't read 'offense' into reasonable responses.

One guideline I might use is: If they took any time at all to address me personally, then I'll do them the courtesy of RSVPing. Like: One friend sent me an invite to his band, which he also sent to twenty other friends. It wasn't a mailing list, which is re-used - he sat down and checked off the boxes for that particular email. I ignored it (I mean, who wants their inbox cluttered with 20 'see you theres' ? I don't). The next day another friend sent me a txt (not a mass mailed txt) inviting me to the same show. I txted her back thanking her for the invite and letting her know I couldn't make it.




So being your friend means a person is obligated to respond to you, otherwise they are rude? I find this really interesting. A lot of people think that the meaning of 'friendship' is self evident, but I think it has many different meanings for different people, and is absolutely worthy examining.

I agree that long term friendship involves having expectations of each other, and its great that you expect your friends to RSVP. But by saying its 'rude' it seems to me that you are appealing to a social norm to validate your expectation, rather than just saying "This is what *I* expect from my friends." Should we use social norms to validate our expectations?

I have a very different expectation of my friends - I expect them to understand and respect what I'm willing to give, and to not judge me for the boundaries I set, nor expect me to conform to social guidelines I don't agree with.

For the love of God!!!!!

If you get an invitation to go somewhere from a friend, how hard is it to send back a quick text or e-mail expressing your intentions.

This is not rocket science.

I don't know how my saying I sent an invite to some friends turned into a sent out a mass mailing, unless five people can be considered "mass" mailing.

I have a handful of FRIENDS and a huge group of acquaintances..... I said my friends got the invites, and yes it bothered me when people I know for so long and so well didn't bother to answer.

Well, I don't see the point of debating this; you have your way of thinking and I have mine. I always RVSP to my friends and my friends do like wise. Its called respecting each other. As the Captain said; its not rocket science to send back a quick text or email.

Exactly; and this is what I was talking about. Its a few close friends that you expected an answer from and I don't think its unreasonable for you to expect them to respond. My arguement was never about mass emails; it was clearly about friends; and as you say a handful of friends.

I'm sorry. I think I left my invitation on the back of the toilet (it got mixed up with my September copy of Juggs)

Maybe it got stuck to one of the pages somehow.....

That is why its an rsvp.

Eileena, I should have been more clear, most of my statements are directed toward this topic: "Is it rude not to RSVP in response to an invitation from a friend?"

I appreciate your responses, and I sympathize with your earlier frustration. I'm not taking specifically about your situation.



Thats just a protocol that you and your friends agree to. Calling it a matter of 'respect' elevates it to something other than simply a protocol. To think otherwise strikes me as narrow minded - as if your sub-cultural viewpoint is the 'correct' viewpoint.

When you go to other countries, and people don't treat you just how you are used to being treated - do you think they are rude? Or do you consider that maybe they just have a different way of doing things?


Some of my friends have TONS of friends, and others are extremely busy. None of them ***** when their friends don't RSVP, and they consider that to be a way of showing respect.

I've lived in dozens of different cities and towns in my life, and I've seen a trend with urban vs rural ways of doing things - I don't think that one way is better than another, but one way suits me better.




Are you implying the conceptual difficulty has anything at all to do with whether one ought to do it?




If thats the kind of relationship they have, then its perfectly reasonable. This is up to you and your friends. Of course its best if ya'll are on the same page.



Now you are trying to create a false dichotomy. There is clearly grey area between a mass mailing of 300 people, and a private invite to 5 people. Is 30 people a 'mass email' to you? LOL. To the friends I had in LA, that's quaint.

I think its silly, its hard enough to get a lunch date with a "real" friend, so to arrange a date with multiple people and have everyone available at one time, thats asking for a miracle.

Yup.., I do think your right on target with that answer., in this day in time people are hard pressed and trying to make ends meet so give them a little time to sort out themselves.

Actually, I don't think people expect everyone to be at their function and I agree that is impossible but really how hard is it to say no or maybe as a response to the person sending the invites? I forgot to respond to one of my friend's invites as I was going through a rather stressful time and she was really upset with me because in her eyes I was ignoring her. She gave me a blast and I should have at least had the courtesy to say no, I can't attend. I felt awful as this was a very special occassion. Some people's feelings really get hurt when you ignore them and if they are planning a party; they would like to have some numbers if they are serving food, or drinks, etc, so I make sure I give a RVSP. However, this is just my opinion on this subject and I am not her to argue; just give my point of view. Besides, wasn't this whole topic about people not responding to the invite whether it was yes or no; or did I misread what the Op was saying?

Your right as well with your reason in what she was asking to those who chose to not respone at all to ones request or invite., this can seem to be rude or uncaring to the one who reach out to them. But one should also know of whom they are inviting.