To you, what is the difference between someone having preferences and someone being shallow? What do you think makes someone shallow?

Does it bother you when you don't fit into someone's preferences?

What kind of preferences do you have when it comes to dating? Are you willing to change your mind on those preferences, depending on the person you're getting to know?

I'm absolutely willing to modify the weight I give to my preferences. Nobody is going to meet every criterion. For instance, I will say that, "All else being equal. I will prefer a girl with darker skin tones". If I meet somebody with the perfect personality who makes me laugh a lot, I'm not going to give the skin preference much weight at all. You don't have to change your mind on a preference in order to make good adjustments.

To you, what is the difference between someone having preferences and someone being shallow?
envy
What do you think makes someone shallow?
envy
Does it bother you when you don't fit into someone's preferences?
no i just envy them
What kind of preferences do you have when it comes to dating?
just that they are envious
Are you willing to change your mind on those preferences, depending on the person you're getting to know?
maybe, can i envy you

By "change your mind" I meant more along the lines of being flexible about your preferences, rather than strictly sticking to them.

So... you envy those you think are shallow?

I'm thinking that what you refer to as shallow may just be, "Haven't thought about it that much". That isn't a crime.

I haven't referred to anything as shallow. Nor did I say anything was a crime. I was curious as to what people thought, though.

You referenced "shallow" in your question. It sounded like a pejorative to me. Maybe I was wrong.

Re-read the OP again. I asked everyone here what they thought the difference between having preferences and being shallow was. And what they thought made someone shallow. I didn't say what my definition of either was.

Over the years, I have managed to weed out
all preferences, other than the one about
being tall.
While a lot of women feel an..atavistic
draw towards a tall man (better hunters,
providers) my preference for a tall man
is centered around the fact that short men
spend their lives, it seems to me, proving
they are tall. This turns on their mate
sooner or later, and I resent that part.

So, prejudiced as that is, preference though
you may identify it, it remains.

HOWEVER, if I fell for a short guy, it simply
would not matter.

But if a short guy and a tall guy came into
my line of sight, the tall guy would get
a second pass.
The short guy would have to earn it.
Both doable.

Yes, I resent mightily when I am excluded,
for things beyond my control.
I tend to lump all those idiots all together :-)

UNCLE! I really wouldn't have thought that this is something we would want to argue about.

I think the difference is simply one of perspective -- I have preferences, and to me, these are simply general categorizations of what appeals to me vs. what doesn't. Other people have called me shallow (among other things) because they disagree with my preferences.

To me, it's two sides of the same coin; at least that's how most people seem to implement it. They feel their own preferences are totally valid ("It's just what I prefer"), and should remain inviolate, while other people's are wrong, which makes those people shallow.



The standard answer is that they're shallow when they focus so much on specific characteristics (weight, age, skin color, etc.) that it precludes them from meeting someone truly wonderful, but who just doesn't happen to meet the prescribed criteria. But I suppose a lot depends on how much emphasis a person puts on those criteria -- some will be more important than others --

I really don't see it that way. I'll admit, I sometimes find myself wondering why a person would think criterion A or criterion B is so important -- but I have my own set of "deal-breakers" that other people don't get, either.

So I think, in the end, calling someone "shallow" is just another way to say "You're a bad person because you're not the same as me."



It used to. Not so much anymore. I've come to the understanding that most women don't want a guy like me.



Well, the absolute deal-breakers are no kids, no drugs, no alcohol. I prefer someone intelligent and creative, with good communications skills and a sense of humor. Someone who won't try to change me.

And, as I know that no such person exists, I don't spend a lot of time looking for her.



Not really. I've been through enough entanglements with people who didn't fill the bill to know that it's simply never going to work like that. And I'd rather be alone than be with yet another wrong person.

I personally consider shallow people those who make character judgments about people because of things out of their immediate control

like, looking down on the unemployed, or looking down on a person due to race or gender or their family's social status,,,etc,,

I also consider shallow those who expect/demand more from others than they are willing to give themself

like golddiggers who dont want to work but want someone who is going to 'provide' an upper class lifestyle for them

or men with beer guts who insist on their partner being a perfect size,,,,etc,,,

a preference, on the other hand, just signifies what someone 'prefers' as in

I love ice cream, I PREFER butter pecan, but I like all types of flavors

it kind of signifies what ones' favorite things are without being MANDATORY or ruling out other things,,,

I was simply pointing out that I had not given any indication of what I thought was shallow. That's all. Nothing there to argue about.

Height has never been an issue for me. I've dated guys both short and tall. I do know many women who are adamant about dating tall men, though.

shallow, by definition, is lacking depth and add to that how rigid a person is with maintaining this preference, and how open-minded their audience may be, is what makes them appear shallow to others. for instance, to say, i only date men with hair, period... a valid preference, but would be perceived as shallow to those who might prefer hair, but not a requirement. so, how distinct and unmoving the preference is in the eyes of others...perceived shallow.

it does not bother me to not fit anothers preferences, that's life. i am always open to interpretive dance, makes life fun to discover new things! and i prefer someone who enjoys the same.

I prefer not to be shallow but I find people with different preferences. Sometimes it is simpler just to be shallow to get along with some people. It is like they might think that you are overlooking the obvious. But then again sometimes I overlook the obvious. Sometimes it helps to be shallow for it helps me to keep it simple. I am part of a simple program made for complicated people. Simple and easy can be construed sometimes as the same thing but they can be different for the deep minded individual who can see things at more than one level of perception. But then again reality can be so blinding when we are in a mood not conducive to learning. It is not always easy to be aware of all that goes around one. We can miss the subtle differences, for example, those in color.

I do agree with your "standard answer" for being shallow, for the most part. But, I think it has more to do with those who are not willing to be flexible about those preferences. We all have preferences, including physical attributes we're attracted to, but some are able to get past that if they meet someone they really like.

And I also agree with the last part about calling someone shallow.

I'm not sure I understand what you mean when you say it's simpler to be shallow to get along with some people.

'm thinking that what you refer to as shallow may just be, "Haven't thought about it that much". That isn't a crime