i also agree that the gf should stay as far away from his ex's life as possible. i also think what the ex and (possibly) bf have decided to do regarding the care of the child is not very responsible either...because he doesnt take this to court he has no rights if the mother decides to take the child out of the picture (i have seen this happen many times for little reasons such as just the mother having jealousy issues over the fact that he has moved on) completely and deny him visits with his child. this is unfair not only to the father but especially to the fragile stability of the child. to be able to go through the WHOLE process of dealing with this type of situation is hard for any new partner of the ex without custody.if she truly thinks she has nerves of steel for the long run and hands down this is the guy for her for the rest of her life then ok fine whatever...deal with the sticky situation with the childs best interests at heart and if thats not allowed then the boyfriends best interests. but in all reality the current situation is probably not going to stay the same and it will put everyone through a major emotional rollercoaster. i think your gf should take some time to think on what it is she wants out of life and out of a partner. my advice is for her to hit the bricks before she gets too emotionally attached. oh and this guy must be downplaying whatever he did when he was younger that landed him on the wrong side fo the law...most courts will side with the mom but offer the dad some kind of visits with the child or some program or another to complete to have more equal custody. right now it seems like they think they live in never never land and around the corner from make believe.

Well, I have a custody clause that my ex can only visit my daughter in the home because he is pretty helpless out doors with her can't buckle her in, can't read cues and so forth, it's a safety issue for me. As far as wanting the ex-back...hmmm, if he is serious about the girl then she should meet the mom of the kid and show that if he is not capable of caring for the child out of the home that she can help. But then others issues will arise if the mom in question is still possesive, then she will know her answer.

Wow! Thanks everyone for the input! I haven't been here lately and completely forgot about the thread, but I'm glad to read some new opinions!




Personally, I have no reservations of dating a guy who has kids, but yes, I do think that a lot of single women who has no kids of their own would, at the least, think twice before dating a guy who does.

In any case, to answer your questions, this is what I was told:

1. The guy sometimes stays at the ex's house because she demands it, though he'd rather have his kid at his house, which he has already done a couple of times. The child is still fairly young, around 3 years old, I think.

2. The guy has introduced his girlfriend to the child and would really like her to become an integral part of their lives. I think he may have hinted at marriage plans (but I don't want to jinx it so I'm not asking that again ).

Simple, good advice. I like it. Thanks!

I completely agree with you on this one. I actually said the same thing before, but of course, I really cannot insist on what I think, but I'm glad someone else feels the same way.

The thing is, the GF is afraid that if she pushes this sort of reasoning with the BF, and he does take this to court and loses, he might blame her or, at the least, she'd feel so guilty over it. Am I making any sense? lol.

Eh, I know, she's screwed either way. Sigh.

I truly appreciate your opinion on this! Well, my friend is actually open to meeting the ex. She's the friendly sort, you know? She really wants to even be friends with the ex (if that's even possible), because she actually cares for the child and would like her to have a harmonious environment. The thing is, the ex is a bit hostile. Though they (the ex and the guy) had already broken up and separated for over a year, she still have not managed to move on and takes it out on the guy and the new GF by giving unreasonable demands to the guy, knowing that he doesn't have a choice when it comes to the child. She knows he loves her so much that she's actually using the child against him, which I think is very unfair for my friend too.

I have seen the guy with his kid and he's very loving and responsible. Actually, he's better at taking care of the kid than the mom (no disrespect for moms out there). He actually loves spending time with his kid, unlike the mom who always parties or go to bars. All in all, he has better character and is a more responsible parent, but because of one mistake he did when he was a kid, he got screwed for life.

Tragic.

@ redlace. i completely understand what youre saying on your first response.

continuing on...pursuing custody is something father is going to have to do at his own choice and try not to take it out on others in his life if he loses. unfortunately gf walks a fine line because its such unstable ground. if hes introducing her to his child hes pretty serious i would think about your friend. in which case when and if their relationship advances to a certain point then yes she should meet the mom and all adults shoudl sit down for an adult discussion. hopefully everyone can be mature enough and put on their big girl and big boy panties and manties respectively and remember that the situation at hand is about a childs stability and well being. while your friend and her bf can control their emotions over the matter (hopefully) the mother is a wildcard.
ive been through this in three different relationships. the first i didnt want to meet the child because i wasnt sure of the stability of our relationship, so i never did. i didnt want to intrude on the childs world. or enter into the drama of that particular exwife.

the second time was a man i was friends with for years and finally the timing was right for us to date. it was natural for me to spend time with his daughter and he and his ex, and the courts, and arranged how visitations would happen. i still talk to both him and his daughter regularly. luckily the ex and i never had to interface.


the third is my current relationship,where the ex had moved out over two years ago but my bf was raising her children which arent biologically his. one was concieved during their marriage. he payed tens of thousands of dollars for her to gain custody of her first child and just like the ex in your friends life, since then she spent all her time in bars and in affairs that never left time for caring for her own kids. even after they split he cared for the kids. but as soon as he fell in love with someone other than her she ripped the kids out of his life because he has no stable case in court. luckily not as many women out there arent going to do this but it does happen.whats sad is now the children are still not in a stable situation and hes the only father theyve ever known. it sucks. and to be candid helping him through that sucked. theres a lot of anger and heartache in that.

so you know. youre gf should proceed with caution, weigh her options, and be fully committed if she goes down this path imo.

Bohemianbugeater, I TRULY appreciate your replies and I'm glad to hear from you again. My friend has read your posts too and is even more grateful. It is always good to heed the advice of someone who has already traversed a path one intends to take.

They are very serious in their relationship now and are already discussing plans of making it permanent. She knows that it will be a real challenge, which is why now, she is asking me to post here asking for any advice anyone can give her.

You have a somewhat similar situation where the woman was ok with everything, except when she learned about my friend. She vocally expressed that she doesn't want her child to be with another woman, yet she continues to demand her freedom in seeking relationships with other men. This irritates me to no end, because she is, for lack of a better word, exploiting the situation. She knows the guy won't take the matter through the courts, and so she pushes him as far as she can.

I feel for my friend. She is torn only because she loves the guy and the child. Any more advice?

I was in that same situation where my daughters father was visiting with her at my place and that's all that happened. His living situation was screwed up and I didn't trust his roomies friends, so I wasn't about to let my daughter go over there. It helps to know about a situation because even I had to deal with people who thought there was more going on that just wasn't happening.

Speeking from my own experience, all I ever wanted was for her father to be responsible and think of what's best for her. Who she has in her life that can be possitive and helpful to her. My daughter knows that I want to meet someone who also has children. This way we have something in common. It helps to get through the tough moments when two people can relate to what the other one is going through with the other parent.  When I need to speek with her father it has to do with something about her and that's where I try to keep the conversation. We were together for 14 years and finally after a year and a half we can talk about what matters for the best of what she needs. When I try to explain this to other people, they jump to the conclusion that her father and I are trying to work things out and that's only true when it has to deal with her. I have been ready to move on for a while and now it's just to find someone who also wants the same things and who can give the same understanding that they want in return. Now it's just to find that one person and I know that he is out there for me. Yeah, I'm the one who doesn't like talking about the past because I don't need it to ruin what my future will hold and of course I want to meet anyone new that comes into his picture, if she plans to be around our daughter and her father has the same right to meet anyone that I meet. If he wants too. I hope that this helps a little bit.  

This is a fresh topic for me.
Ok.. I've been having sex with my ex for 5 years. He has always come to my house to "visit" his daughter (he just wanted sex). He has been telling all these other girls and friends of his that he hates me, etc, etc.. but he has gotten caught a few times from a few people by accidentally mentioning that we did something. (opps). So I wasn't in love with him, but he wouldn't let me go.

I finally pressed the issue about getting things done in court (my daughter was 3 1/2 yrs old), but before I signed the parenting plan he wanted (which shows that he didn't want her for a visit at all, just didn't want to pay child support and he wanted decision making rights), but instead I went restraining order. Long story short.. It's a 1 1/2 later.. He keeps messing with me still and some chick that now lives with him that he met from MySpace (supposedly, I think she's from his porn site). Since this chick has vested interest in my now 5 yr old daughter, Now he wants to have my daughter at his home.. And it's only been since October and I told him to stop touching me or trying to have sex with me. Since I feel gross after him and I do anything.. Now.. even though he has been having visit's at his home and away from me.. I was on alot of his "visit's" and trust me they were not all about the child, that's for sure.And if he wasn't on visit's, he accidentally drove by my home and wham bam thank you maam.. Yes he even told me how much he hates this other chick and that he wants to live with me and get married.. blah blah blah.. Just players hun.. My daughter even thought and still thinks him and I are going to get married. lol

So all in all he is a dog to all the women in his life.. Don't trust him. IF he wants to see his child he needs to have his child come to his home period.
Have you asked the mother?
First of all.. don't deal with the ex at all, unless you are married to the guy. Stay out of that part till after a full year of good dating,living together and getting engaged.And just play with the child. If the mother isn't jealous or upset that your trying to take her place with her child, then talk to the mother and find out what her rules are with the child. Try to keep those same rules to keep peace with you and the mother.. and to not stir too many issues with the child's mind.

Sleepless nights and Coloradomom: Thank you very much for sharing something so personal in your lives in order to enlighten a stranger. My friend who was the reason why this thread got started actually took the experiences shared here to heart. I'm glad to have asked, because I, myself, didn't know anything about the subject, so your advices DID help. My friend extends her gratitude too and wishes you the best!

I would have voted for the post that said to move on if he would not visit the child other than at the exes'.

More important though is can you share which advise she followed ?