Me: otherwise easygoing SF, 29, in desirable neighborhood near excellent schools and world-class cheese market. You: 31-36, Ivy League (except Penn), minimum 5’ 10", maximum 180 lbs., pectoral-to-waist ratio .33; fiscal conservative/social liberal; profession: law, medicine, banking (employer must have innovative paternity leave policy); hobbies: pan-Asian cooking, helping the needy, foot rubs; civil to (but not “friends” with) ex-girlfriends (maximum: 2); informed, witty, self-starter: equally comfortable chatting at state dinners and changing tires. Send introductory email along with photo, high school and college transcripts, 3 recommendations (1 academic, 1 professional, 1 non-threatening friend-girl) plus two 750-word essays on the topics: (1) “A Man of Quality is Not Threatened By A Woman For Equality” and (2) “Why I Always Share My Feelings.”

Your online profile may not look exactly like that, but for some people — and you know who you are — it sends out the exact same vibe. According to some dating experts, there’s a “picky” pandemic: women (and men, too, but to a lesser degree) with impossible-to-meet standards who wear their massive checklists on their sleeves. Women who are…well, still inexplicably single. Does this sound even a little bit like you? If so, how do you manage your expectations without selling yourself short?

First, a disclaimer. At some level, you should be picky. After all, if your goal is marriage, we’re talking about the one person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with; being a little choosy goes a long way. Look at the tales of divorce, infidelity, domestic violence, serially crappy relationships — not to mention uncomfortable weddings where you know something’s off and it probably won’t last. Arguably, plenty of people aren’t picky enough.

Bottom line? “People are looking for the wrong things,” says Lori Gottlieb, author of Marry Him: The Case For Settling For Mr. Good Enough. “You should have high standards. But people are too picky about the things that are not important — and not picky enough about the things that are.”

So, then, how do you determine what is truly important and what isn’t? Many people are willing to concede — or, at least, they know they should concede — that looks, really, are only skin deep. Yet they still, explicitly or reflexively, rule out (for example) short guys, tall girls or people with weird laughs. “They say things like, ‘That’s just not what I’m attracted to,’” says dating coach Evan Marc Katz, author of Why You’re Still Single: Things Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised Not to Get Mad. “But maybe attraction isn’t the most important thing.” That doesn’t mean you give up on lust, passion, or even simple chemistry. It just means you may not feel it like a lightning bolt when you walk into the First Date Café and that you should at least give it a chance to develop — even with people you may not consider your “type.”

Why? Because then you can focus on what is important. Not the person “on paper” or in a vacuum, but on the relationship you can potentially build with someone. “If you say, ‘Grandma, what’s the secret of your relationship?’ she doesn’t say, ‘Grandpa is smoking hot,’” Katz says. “It’s the ‘boring’ stuff. The trust, laughter, honesty, compassion and shared values. You need to remember that you’re making an investment for 40 years, not three months. Who’s going stick by you to raise children or when you get sick or a parent dies? That’s the character stuff that only partially reveals itself on date one. You need to look at what’s going to endure after the initial ‘thrill’ is gone.”

Gottlieb agrees. She herself wound up falling for a guy who — had she not ultimately followed her own advice — she would have ruled out based on his profile photo alone. “What kind of a dork wears a bow tie?” she initially thought, but, pushing past her prejudices, she found out the offending accessory was part of a story about his family that made her like him even more. And even if there hadn’t been a great story, Gottlieb says, it still would have been fine: “So what, a little fashion faux pas? Is that the kind of thing that makes your marriage unhappy?”

So if you’re in need of some too-picky therapy, think of it this way: you’re not lowering your standards; you’re expanding them. Here’s how:
Edit your checklist. You are allowed only three essential requirements and none of them can be physical attributes. For example: “Kind to others, intellectually curious, likes animals” — or if you’re not into pets, “wants children” (as far as you can tell on date #1).
Go on a second date. Anyone who passes your three-point checklist gets to date #2. Anyone.
Broaden your “type” but trust your gut. If after two dates you honestly can’t see it — e.g., you struggle for conversation, you clash on a moral principle — you may let it go without guilt. After all, you’ve got to make time for all the new possibilities you’ve now opened up for yourself.

Too many things to answer in that very long thread.....I'll answer the header of the thread........If people try to make a determination of who the person is by a few posts and a few emails and there profile, they may miss out on a great person if they don't meet them in person, or they may meet and run like hell......Once yopu meet the person, you can start with the picky stuff and make an informed opinion of that person...

I agree.

Too picky, maybe. On the other hand, I feel I deserve it. I haven't been picky enough before and got burned for it. I'm not and have never been so all-fired upset over my single status as to cave in again to something I don't really want.

After all, I still have to be happy with the one I'm with long-term. If his weird laugh irritates me now, then it's probably going to get worse over the years rather then get better, especially when we're mad at each other for some various reason.

The rush of first love, the craziness of it may mellow out over the years, but I know my mom still thinks dad is "smoking hot" after 37 years, even when they are pissed at each other.

Besides, does anyone really want it thrown back in their face that "I could have done better!" I know I sure wouldn't.

Me, picky, nah not me.. I just want a nice & simple life..

Im not too picky, I just want the bridge I find my mate under, to be in a nice neighborhood.

Being picky is one thing. Not sure if this article is more about getting into a relationship for the wrong reasons.
That plays a much bigger role of ruined and short lived relationships.

Wealth, car, physical appearance, common interest and so on.

Having a lot of common interest doesn't mean he or she is more compatible to you.

Too picky for who? The people who aren't getting the dates they want? People complain that others are too picky way too much. Everyone has preferences. Why should we change those to make others happy? I'm not going to date someone I'm not interested in just because he tells me I'm too picky and should be more open. Just because someone is not into you doesn't mean they're too picky. It just means they have preferences and you don't fit into those. It isn't the end of the world.

“Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.”

AMEN SISTAH!!!!

"Bottom line? “People are looking for the wrong things,” says Lori Gottlieb, author of Marry Him: The Case For Settling For Mr. Good Enough. “You should have high standards. But people are too picky about the things that are not important — and not picky enough about the things that are.” '

^ I like this especially - a lot does depend tho on what u r looking for. This is good for people who are looking for a committment. Otherwise it doesn't apply/matter that much.

I may take ur advice. I do think there has to ultimately be a "spark" of attraction, but that is something that can grow. better is for it to grow over time, than iginite quickly and die jmho

u r asking for a lot there...

I agree completely, but I took the OP advice more along the lines of giving someone a chance/second chance and u may be pleasantly surprised

Absolutely, I will not settle!

I've given second chances before. It doesn't always do much, though. I've learned that my instincts are pretty right on in the beginning. That doesn't mean I'll stop giving second chances, but I don't always expect it to change from the beginning.

This book has come up before in discussions.

Why would one want to settle for "good enough" What happens if "the one" comes along later? "What does that do for the moral of the one you "settled for" because it was easy and convienent?!

ya, prolly tru - agreed. I do try to stay open minded tho, myself. Usually I can tell right away too. then again, I can always use a new friend too

Well, the day I let someone else decide what's "important" FOR me is the day I end up as the domesticated goat the world wants me to be. Sorry, no sale.

I'm a guy. I just wanna play with the 'pink bits' ... Is that so wrong ... ? I'm easy.

I didn't read any of that..I'm just going with he thread title....
yes and I'm staying that way!!!