been so proud of yourself for doing something you know you should have been doing a long only to do a 180 and completly go in the direction you were walking away from? You don't really know how you did it or why?

yea it's called growing up.

O RLY ?

I don't think growing up is moving back. Growing up would be moving forward, but that's not what my question was about really.

Sometimes going back can result in moving foward.

Sometimes

I take it that's not the case here?

Why in the hell would anyone want to grow up?

Sure, until I end up doing the same dumbazz thing over again.

I don't even know why I try anymore. But, at this point it's not a personal choice. I guess you can technically call it a personal choice, but if it were really up to me, I would have comitted suicide when I was around 13 or so. At this point I just do it for the ones I love. I guess they need me for some reason, so I have to keep tryig I guess.



I don't know where that came from.

I know what you mean. More than you could know.

I'm glad someone does.

It's weird tho. in some ways I find comfort in knowing someone else understands that but in another way, I wish no one else ever had to feel that way.

i've being there, sometimes scares me when i think of it

Yeah, if I didn't have the Lord and my family, I wouldn't be here. I'm feeling much better today though.

yes, absolutely, i earned a degree in something and now am going into something completely different from it..i think many people are doing this now...i.e. adaptability, plasticity, improvise-ability..

roko

I've always been suicidal

but I'm such a procrastinator

Same here, besides the depression takes so much energy from me. I wouldn't have the energy to go through with it anyway.

Seriously though, if I could find out what my real problem is, I would be so happy. I'm thinking I may have schizophrenia. I'm not sure though. I don't have hallucinations, but I do get paranoid and anxiety. I obviously have depression as well. I think my depression is more of a symptom than the actual problem though. I don't know though.

prolly just some kind of a chemical imbalance in your neurotransmitters

Sometimes there is no specific reason. That's the part that'll really drive you crazy.
Sometimes it just is what it is and you have to treat it as such. Your best ally is your own will to overcome it. (Besides seeing a doctor if this is an option)
But sometimes you have to simply decide you're not going to go thru this today. And then tomorrow, you decide for yourself again, you're not going thru this today. Don't get to far ahead of yourself.
But doing this, at least for me, helped alot. It put me back in charge of my own happiness and depression. I really am responsible for how happy I am, and am not.
I'll never be a fully happy person, just because I've lost so much that the wounds are to deep to totally heal. The scars are there. But, I can have a better quality from day to day than I was having. It doesn't have to hurt everyday. It really doesn't.

Yeah, I'm afraid that's what it is. But, I have to try every other opition before I can admit that. When I was being treated for depression nothing worked, it all just made me tired, it didn't fix any problems.