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| Topic: i have a friend... | |
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..i was recently talking to a friend of mine and he devulged the fact that he has been abused all his life by his mother..not physically anymore but verbally..he told me when he was young he was in his room where she would leave him for days only let out to go to the bathroom and eat..and then back in his room sometimes for a week or longer...hge told me that one day when he was in his room throwing a fit cause he couldnt go swimming with his friends,she snuck up behind him and swung a belt over his shoulder buckle first,and there was a bruise all the way down his chest and stomach,showing the belt the buckle and the holes,when she saw it she threw a shirt in his face and said "PUT THIS ON SO I DON'T HAVE TO LOOK AT IT" on top of this when his mother verbally abuses him..he told me he could walk in the door and not say anything and she will start verbally abusing him.. ..this has gone on all his life,but the mother always made sure that there was no witnesses and this way she could say that he started it,in other words she would make him out to be the bad guy and a liar ..when he was younger and living at home and would get home late from work she would lock him out of the house,she wouldn't give him a key because she would say he invited six guys into the house when she wasnt there which is a total lie..i know the guy he never had six friends because he is pretty much a loner,but she locked him out one night ..and in the morning when she got up his car was still running and he was asleep,she opened the car and tried to wake him but couldnt then pulled him out into the snow and slapped him in order to wake him..he awoke to the smell of carbon monoxide,and had headaches and tasted and smelled carbon monoxide for a week..the door was locked the next day too..so he had to sleep in his car again ..she threw him out when he had nowhere to go and no money because they were arguing,because she said he ate a can of tuna fish,when he told her he bought it she called him a liar,and this went on for an hour until he produced the receipt proving he had indeed bought the can of tuna fish..so she threw him out ..with no money and no where to go he wound up sleeping in the woods and eating nothing for a week until i helped him ... all the while he kept telling his sister and aunt what was happening,but because she had made him out to be a liar and there were no witnesses..no one would believe him..once he said he was arguing with his boss at his mother's house about a job they had done that he hadnt been paid for..and his mother told his boss that he didnt have to pay him..not that it was any of her business.. but here's the dilemma ..he went to his mother's house and his aunt was sitting outside..he asked her to go in and sit at the kitchen table..where his mom didnt see her..he walk up to the living room door and before he could even say a word..he said his momm stood up and said to him "YOU'RE NOTHING"... as she came out of the living room he noticed her notice the aunt at the kitchen table ..so she said nothing else..he said he walked by the aunt and said.."you see..now you know"..later when the aunt asked her about it the mother said "he must've said something"..the aunt said..he didnt say a word..and you told him he was nothing...now the truth has come out ...a week later he went back to his mother's house and as he was sitting at the table she said "give me your hands"..he said he did but as she held them he wanted to get sick..you see his mother has never told him she loved him and has never hugged him ..so it made him sick..she said i am sorry for all the things i've said and done..and he said all he could do was cry... so i'm suppose to come up with advice but i'm having a problem with this..because i can't stand her... my view on this: she had forty years to apologize but didn't until the truth was known she has cost this guy thousands of dollars lost and even tho she has the money has done nothing to replace or try to replace the money he has lost..even tho he could use it to help take care of her grand kids..so i don't feel the apology was sincere and she has done nothing to make amends... so what should i tell him,personally i've never hit a woman and she is quite old now so five across the eye won't work.. altho she deserves it...he keeps going back expecting to be loved but i know it will never happen..so what do i tell him.. ..i have pondered over this for days,since hearing this..and i thought that i would refer this problem to yall..so what should i tell him...thx |
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..i was recently talking to a friend of mine and he devulged the fact that he has been abused all his life by his mother..not physically anymore but verbally..he told me when he was young he was in his room where she would leave him for days only let out to go to the bathroom and eat..and then back in his room sometimes for a week or longer...hge told me that one day when he was in his room throwing a fit cause he couldnt go swimming with his friends,she snuck up behind him and swung a belt over his shoulder buckle first,and there was a bruise all the way down his chest and stomach,showing the belt the buckle and the holes,when she saw it she threw a shirt in his face and said "PUT THIS ON SO I DON'T HAVE TO LOOK AT IT" on top of this when his mother verbally abuses him..he told me he could walk in the door and not say anything and she will start verbally abusing him.. ..this has gone on all his life,but the mother always made sure that there was no witnesses and this way she could say that he started it,in other words she would make him out to be the bad guy and a liar ..when he was younger and living at home and would get home late from work she would lock him out of the house,she wouldn't give him a key because she would say he invited six guys into the house when she wasnt there which is a total lie..i know the guy he never had six friends because he is pretty much a loner,but she locked him out one night ..and in the morning when she got up his car was still running and he was asleep,she opened the car and tried to wake him but couldnt then pulled him out into the snow and slapped him in order to wake him..he awoke to the smell of carbon monoxide,and had headaches and tasted and smelled carbon monoxide for a week..the door was locked the next day too..so he had to sleep in his car again ..she threw him out when he had nowhere to go and no money because they were arguing,because she said he ate a can of tuna fish,when he told her he bought it she called him a liar,and this went on for an hour until he produced the receipt proving he had indeed bought the can of tuna fish..so she threw him out ..with no money and no where to go he wound up sleeping in the woods and eating nothing for a week until i helped him ... all the while he kept telling his sister and aunt what was happening,but because she had made him out to be a liar and there were no witnesses..no one would believe him..once he said he was arguing with his boss at his mother's house about a job they had done that he hadnt been paid for..and his mother told his boss that he didnt have to pay him..not that it was any of her business.. but here's the dilemma ..he went to his mother's house and his aunt was sitting outside..he asked her to go in and sit at the kitchen table..where his mom didnt see her..he walk up to the living room door and before he could even say a word..he said his momm stood up and said to him "YOU'RE NOTHING"... as she came out of the living room he noticed her notice the aunt at the kitchen table ..so she said nothing else..he said he walked by the aunt and said.."you see..now you know"..later when the aunt asked her about it the mother said "he must've said something"..the aunt said..he didnt say a word..and you told him he was nothing...now the truth has come out ...a week later he went back to his mother's house and as he was sitting at the table she said "give me your hands"..he said he did but as she held them he wanted to get sick..you see his mother has never told him she loved him and has never hugged him ..so it made him sick..she said i am sorry for all the things i've said and done..and he said all he could do was cry... so i'm suppose to come up with advice but i'm having a problem with this..because i can't stand her... my view on this: she had forty years to apologize but didn't until the truth was known she has cost this guy thousands of dollars lost and even tho she has the money has done nothing to replace or try to replace the money he has lost..even tho he could use it to help take care of her grand kids..so i don't feel the apology was sincere and she has done nothing to make amends... so what should i tell him,personally i've never hit a woman and she is quite old now so five across the eye won't work.. altho she deserves it...he keeps going back expecting to be loved but i know it will never happen..so what do i tell him.. ..i have pondered over this for days,since hearing this..and i thought that i would refer this problem to yall..so what should i tell him...thx |
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my view on this: she had forty years to apologize but didn't until the truth was known she has cost this guy thousands of dollars lost and even tho she has the money has done nothing to replace or try to replace the money he has lost..even tho he could use it to help take care of her grand kids..so i don't feel the apology was sincere and she has done nothing to make amends... How did she cost him money? so what should i tell him,personally i've never hit a woman and she is quite old now so five across the eye won't work.. altho she deserves it...he keeps going back expecting to be loved but i know it will never happen..so what do i tell him.. ..i have pondered over this for days,since hearing this..and i thought that i would refer this problem to yall..so what should i tell him...thx Pondered what? I don't understand what the question is? What should you tell him about what exactly? That you think his mother is evil? Let's see, how would you like if someone started saying bad things to you about your parents? I don't care what the situation is, you stay out of it. It's none of your business. You said it's been over 40 years, then he is a big boy and needs to sort it out himself. |
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first of all xeno...the friend is ME..SO NOW WHAT ..WHAT,YOU GOT SOMETHING TO SAY NOW... WHAT |
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first of all xeno...the friend is ME..SO NOW WHAT ..WHAT,YOU GOT SOMETHING TO SAY NOW... WHAT |
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dict8 ..no ..i just deal with it daily..but thanks for your concern..you see she is starting to try and do this to my son ..but you see that will never happen like i told her..because i will never let it happen...altho she is abusive and my father ran out when i was six..i have taken care of my son and i have never abused him..someone has to break that mold..her mother was abusive too... |
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I know that this is a touchy situation- on one hand this is your mom- but on the other- she has never acted like a mom
I know that you crave you moms love but after all that you have been through- do you think you can handle the rejection anymore? i mean as per your story- she really only apologized cuz she got caught. Some women just are not mothers- its not your fault. As hard as it is- i would just limit contact if you have to hava any at all. cultivate friendships- to get the nuturing you need so badly- if you want to talk more- i know you don't know me but please PM me if you need to ok? im serious! |
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Seems like you have all your answers already???
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dict8 ..no ..i just deal with it daily..but thanks for your concern..you see she is starting to try and do this to my son ..but you see that will never happen like i told her..because i will never let it happen...altho she is abusive and my father ran out when i was six..i have taken care of my son and i have never abused him..someone has to break that mold..her mother was abusive too... |
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Edited by
Moblodite
on
Wed 12/09/09 11:15 PM
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I'd love to hear the other side of this story!!!
I was in a foster home for years.. for good reasons, My Mom never came to see me even once, When I became of age and out on my own, she magically pops back into my life.. only to constantly borrow money, one day while at her house.. I noticed that all of my future paydays were circled on her calendar... was the end of that chapter in my life. She didn't need me as a child... I didn't need or want her as an adult. |
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This friend of yours needs to focus on the positives of his life today.The past is the past..even tho his mother wasn't the role model.To my understand he's the role model for himself what not to be.Only he alows the hurt in of the past.Today is a new begining,for all tomarrows.He does not need her approval,only his own on how he's conducting his life today...Best of luck..stand strong!
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Tell him the truth...that you don't know what to say or how to advise him. You are not in a position to advise him in how to deal with this, but in a position to support him, to be a listener, to be a friend....you are not a professional who can counsel him. Your best advice might be that he turn to professional counseling that will allow him to reconcile all the ugliness he has had to face.
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 Therapy. And, it will take a very long time. But, you can heal. 
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Oh hun, my heart goes out to you.
My gut instinct when reading this is to run very far away from this woman (she's not a mother IMO) and heal yourself of her abuse. But I can't tell you that, knowing you have to find it in your heart to do what you think is best. I'm so sorry you had to endure this. A child should never have to be made to feel they aren't worthy of a mother's love. |
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I am sorry that this happened to you. Therapy might be helpful in this type of situation.
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Edited by
Quietman_2009
on
Fri 12/11/09 09:34 PM
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I dunno what to say here
all the advice is people telling you what they would do in your position but really only you can reconcile it in your own head or not but you have my sympathy and well wishes nobody should grow up under those conditions |
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I dunno what to say here all the advice is people telling you what they would do in your position but really only you can reconcile it in your own head or not but you have my sympathy and well wishes nobody should grow up under those conditions I second that! 
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You really do need to get therapy. You have a son you said.. Are you still with his mother? Have you told her about your past with your mother? Please do see a therapist... They can really help. ANd remember to tell your son you love him..
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I dunno what to say here all the advice is people telling you what they would do in your position but really only you can reconcile it in your own head or not but you have my sympathy and well wishes nobody should grow up under those conditions I second that!
thats so true i dont know what to say being my childhood was not good  wow hope you find what helps you past this.
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You may find this difficult to readr, and even more difficult to do yet someday, for your real healing, beginning, middle or end you will have to forgive her. For your sanity, the moods, the anger, sadness and everything else in between. I read your profile and think you will understand when I say this, prayer will help you. Ask for guidance and healing. If therapy doesn't feel right...get some books on it and journal your feelings..no matter what they are. It's alright to cry, to have everything you are feeling. To come here and explain it all shows what strength you have and that you are ready, in a safe place where no one knows you except by written word, not even what you look like.
Experience is all that I have to give these words to you from. No one's is like anothers but what happened was confusing, 'normal' for you and as a adult, you discovered it wasn't so. You had inklings but our parent (mother) is just that. You had no idea what went on behind others closed doors. What everyone suggested here is good advice...continue doing what you are doing. The stages of healing are denial, anger, greif and acceptance. Not always in that order and they will fluctuate, go back and forth, eventually they will dissiapate, then you will find peace and forgiveness. They are (were) just people...no different from us. Today they treat people with medication...then it wasn't so. Was she treated as such, who knows? only you- maybe, she may not even if it was too traumatic. Life is not handed to us with instructions, and if it wasn't a good school it can be all the more difficult.. My heart goes out to you, i know you are and will heal. |
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