There is and excellent book on the subject called TOXIC PARENTS.

That you listen and believe what your friend has told you will go a long way to helping them cope. Part of the this kind of abuse is that people often do not believe that it happens when in reality it is really common.

The amplified betrayal that often siblings, the other parent, Granparents, ect. don't know, or don't want to know, really makes a person feel that the world is out of whack. Being resented for making a problem visable is hard to to deal with.

That you are angry someone you love has gotten such a raw deal is natural. Try to keep it in porportion so they don't have to deal with your issues on top of their own. The remark about not being caught in the painful place of trying to defend and indefensable act of a parent is on target.

Parents that behave like this are basiclly mental ill and socially retarded usually by poor parenting of them. They did not know how to cope, and their rage gets misdirected at a scapegoat that really has done nothing to cause it. Children who know cerebrally that it is not their fault still have a hard time reconciling what their heart feels. Unfortuneately no love can be substituted for that missing love of a parent. It can comfort but just not replace.

While I don't recommend extensive contact with an abusive parent to have no contact only amplifys the problem. Sometimes it is part of the reconciling with reality to observe a parent. Or have a final ending on their own terms. Try to be supportive and accepting. Or non-blameing for their reactions. Or seeming lack of reactions. People who live with this kind of family issue often learn to keep silent or have gotten used to internalizeing their feelings so they appear not to exist.

The need for counseling and when should be the choice of the survivor. As should the choice not to have counseling. To assume the person is "damaged" is generally offensive. Many people are surpriseing resilient. They compartmentalize the issue and and let the majority of who they are survive and thrive.

The question of forgiveness is a personal issue of each person effective. Sometimes survivors are able to get there faster because they can not greive what they really never personally knew. They may see it, want it desperately, but still not really know it.

It does not mean they can not love their children if they choose to have them. Or be excellent parents. Many will doubt that they can and that is very painful for the survivor of this kind of abuse but many make a special effort to be outstanding parents. Or helping professionals of one type or another. Don't construe this as a dictate that they should or that they will necessarily be good at it if it is not their desire.

I personally do feel support groups can be excellent out let for survivors and their families. It is a unique enough situation that many myths, predudices, and just dumb stuff happens in relation to it that the shareing is helpful. Exchangeing thoughts even positive ones are helpful. Having friends you just don't have to explain stuff to can be a relief.

As a survivor I would be glad to talk to anyone who is. I tend to be very open about my experience but I got here on my own schedule and keep others lives in absolute privacy. I can generally refer most to local resources.

Absolutely read, Toxic Parents

I have read alot of people say therapy and this is true but not family therapy to try and make things better with his mom. But rather therapy for himself. It really is not his fault that he keeps going back to her its actually quite normal there is a nurturing need that we have that cannot just disappear until its been satisfied, but you can direct that need towards something else with the help of a counselor. Tell him its not his fault even if a person is 70 and is going thru this something deep down will tell them that its their fault. Some people are just not made to be good parents i guess and yet they have kids and think its ok to treat them the way they do. All he could do is learn to accept her, accept what happen and not forget but forgive and believe me forgiveness is harder said than done because its not about you forgiving and being ok with that person forgiveness is the act of not letting something hurt YOU! not letting bad memories get to you and affect you in any way. And most of all to just surround himself with people who will love hi unconditionally and to walk away from that cycle. Because it sounds like the battered women syndrome(domestic violence) although their are honey moon periods where everything gets better. The abuse begins again and its worst than the previous time hope i helped if you need anything else let me know