I don't know if this is true with anyone but there has been some problems with inner racial marriages. I didn't care about what race or ethnic groups I end up dating or marrying but I was given a warning from my family and friends that my marriage with a white woman will not work. I didn't believe them and went ahead with it. 3 years later...they were right. There was a lot of cultural confrontations or issues that arise within the household. I was more of the traditional type of Asian guy and she was more of the "I rather be free and screw your Asian traditions". I am traditional but not too traditional, I mean I do open my mind to other cultures and try to understand their way of life. She ends up telling me that I know nothing of the American culture but I do because I'm living in it or growing up with it. But behind closed doors within the Asian family household, its a whole different world and that is the kind of life I grew up with also. My father always tell me "Do not forget where you came from or forget any of our traditions. I refuse you to end up like other Viet Americans who have forgotten their place and formalities or the family they represent. You are Viet, don't forget that!" Its a constant drill when I was growing up and they do teach me proper manners and everything else of how a Viet suppose to be.
My ex wife says that I'm controlling, abusive, selfish, and stubborn. There are things that she does that will lead to that event. I had explained to her what she can do to prevent from me to react that way so quickly, one word that falls on it all "Obedience" and I don't mean to work like a slave or a dog. But just to listen to me when I have good intentions, not bad ones. I do allow her to have her own mind and free will but when I know the action she does are bad and shes unaware of it, I end up letting her know and just wanting her to listen and obey.
Of course being in the Army we have commanders who end up giving us safety briefings and telling us not to be the idiot who screws up. "Don't be that GUY!" its a constant reminder. And another note "A smart man makes mistakes but a wise man learn mistakes from others". I had constantly told myself even to my ex wife that I highly refuse to end up like a typical American who ends up in poverty and debt. I took all measures, even extreme ones to prevent such event to happen, but my ex wife decides to go ahead and fight against my ideals when I know that the intentions are for the better. She continues to fight against it and now I'm in the hole and ended up like any other Americans who are in serious debt. My parents had learned of this in a short period of time and asked me a crap load of questions that I don't even want to answer but I have to. They were completely disappointed of the dumb decisions I've made when they had taught me better when I was growing up. I told my ex wife that I end up getting a lot of questions from my parents because of her decisions and actions. And I get very annoyed by it, but she asked me "Why do you have to answer to them?" Because when she marries me, she's married into the family hierarchy and we have very strict rules to follow because we're Viet, not typical Americans. She thinks that I'm spoiled which is not basically true because my parents were trying to teach me the value of hard work to earn your own things. My parents didn't buy me a car after another, I have to work for it. My ex wife on the other hand, her parents buy her a car and so on so forth, one after another. I never gotten any hand me downs either.
Wanna know whats more crazy? I end up buying her 3 different cars within a short period of time and I meant "BRAND NEW ONES" off the lot! I bought her a new dining table, couch, dresser, took her on a nice vacation, basically paid for everything even though I started to hit my limit. In return all I ask of her is to do her part in helping. Think about this, I end up getting a severance pay from the Army because of my medical discharge, all gone within a 4 months time period when the damn thing suppose to last for 6 or more. My friends and family were completely shocked. I told my ex wife that we cannot take a vacation until there is a stable income to live off of. These are hard times right now and its completely suicidal to even take one. But she cried, griped and complained about it so to make her shut up, we end up taking one. And of course you know where that lead to.
The fact is, I had always listen to myself when I know something is bad in a relationship but this past one, I didn't. I end up listening to my ex wife who lead me into some serious problems. I should've known better and I should've listen to my family and friends who tells me that I'm happier and better off with an Asian chick. Now there is a total exception to that though...
If I was going to be with someone out of my ethnic group, she has to be well aware and educated on our culture, otherwise there will be yet, another war zone. Don't get me wrong, there are beautiful white women who I'm tempted to go for but I'm too picky because I want a cute one and I don't know where they've all gone to. LOL! I hope this novel gave you a snore eye.

Call it culture, value systems, whatever


A couple absolutely has a better chance at survival if they share the same value system. If part of my culture calls for me to be an independent woman and your coulture requires a submissive wife,,it will be harder to make it work than if you found someone who wanted to be a submissive wife. ITs best to talk about these values ahead of time before the decision to spend a lifetime together.

Thanks. But its not like being submissive or anything like that. It became my sole responsibility for my family's survival. I mean we do have a child involved too and I have to think more about the well being for my child, even if it means for me to be away from home just to work so they can live comfortably. But that didn't happen because she end up crying about what I have to do for the better. Thinking that I will end up being like my father, I mean come on, the man had to escape from a war torn country and started out with nothing! He also escape from a POW camp in Vietnam and did all possible means to get here.

Sounds like alot of buttons were pushed, I was giving an example with the submissive thing. It does not necessarily follow that interracial relationships wont work because race is not exclusive to culture. I know males who grew up around african americans but are 'white' they have an absolute love of the culture they grew up in and would have a better chance of surviving a relationship with those african americans they grew up around than , lets say, a white woman who came from beverly hills. IT is important beforehand, to understand the other persons value systems and their idea of marriage and the roles within it,, before you get married. I married a white male who happened to believe the woman should be the head,, I hated it, contradicted everything I had come to expect the MAN to be ,,our relationship ended. We get so overcome with love (and in some cases, lust) of other people sometimes that we start to be dishonest with ourselves about the compatibility of that person with what we really desire in life.

Good luck in your future relationships, and look at the individual,,, not their skin.

love hath no race, creed or boundaries, all things are possible through genuine love, it's how bad you really want it to be able to put your differences aside, the culture thing is a cop out, always has been and a just means for one to control the other. It becomes a built in excuse, nothing more, nothing less.

True, but both people have to want it bad, Usually with culture its very difficult to get BOTH people to toss out all the values and ideals that are significant to them. I am not sure I would want to, as I consider my values and ideals a big part of what makes me me. I also have every intention of bringing up my children in the way that I was brought up and hold dear. I wouldnt want to start over and experiment with my kids, which would be a likely progression after marriage(kids that is).

I wouldnt want to toss out who I am for anyone just to be in a marriage with them. I would rather remain me,, and love them, in a friendship. Not saying what should or shouldnt happen, just saying it as I feel it.

People need to stop looking at the color of a persons skin and look at the size of their heart instead..I keep tellin people they will miss out on good things if they let skin color get in the way..no one listens to me!

I guess I should be a little more picky now huh? I wanted to throw the skin color out of the way but just having what my friends and family sayings embedded into my head, its becoming very hard.

But what do I suppose to do with a woman who just doesn't understand what I'm trying to do is for the better? She just thinks that I'm going to end up like my father who constantly works and doesn't spend time with his family on his days off. I told her constantly that I'm not like that but for now, we're in hard times and I have to do everything possible to keep them alive.

I didn't read all of your post because I have a short attention span, but based on what I did read, I can say this- cultural differences can make a relationship very difficult. The skin color isn't the issue, because you can have the same color skin and still have different values, morals, traditions, etc. You can even come from the same country/city and have different outlooks on life based on prior experiences or how you're raised.

If you're a traditional person and she's a liberal person, it's going to be hard. When I was in graduate school, the majority of my classmates were Asian, and I got to know a girl from Japan who had spent quite a bit of time in America. She admitted that being in America had changed who she was and how she thought because one day her mother tried to tell her what to do and she told her to mind her own business; she was an adult and she'd do what she wanted. So if a traditional Asian man came along and tried to "put her in her place" yeah, it wouldn't go over well, to say the least.

Get someone who doesn't mind a man running things, problem solved.

Thanks man.

You FEEL,,you made a mistake,,,,,NOW,,looking back on THAT mistake
YOU try and PLACE ITS CAUSE, its reasons....
And through all the advice and their I-TOLD-YOU-SO's,,,,,,YOU now in your mind are allowing them to sway,,,the REAL REASONING behind your and hers actions....

DUDE,,,,You guys didn't work-out,,,,you BOTH,,really were not in true harmony and love in your beginning marriage,,,,,IT HAPPENS, everyday.

ITS not your race, her race, no ONE BIG,,,,under the microscope LOOK.

Its just what MANY,MANY,people go through in this life....

Don't let others cause clouds to block your true hearts knowledge of your WHY's.....Deep-down,,,you know ALL, your why's and how comes,,,
and so does SHE,know hers as well...


Let it go,,,,,STAY you, LOVE your daughter, and deal with it through
knowing you still have HER,,,to carry you on with,,in all your daughters
memories present now, and all the future ones you BOTH will make and SHARE! Its alright man...Peace, love and THANK YOU......
Thank you for searving this Country and its people,,,,
If,,,you need a friend to talk with,,,email me,,,and we're talk..

guess I should be a little more picky now huh? I wanted to throw the skin color out of the way but just having what my friends and family sayings embedded into my head, its becoming very hard.

^I gotta tell you I'm Lmao at this, whom are you entering into a relationship or marriage with, your family, friends or significant other. The hell what others think or say, the only thoughts that should matter are those between the two in the relationship, because in the end that's who ends up in the bed or shower together, unless you're into family reunions...Lmao

geez, I'm so thankful I learned to leave what others say about me where it belongs, on their minds...not mine

The thing is, I get bombarded with questions from the higher ups. Its really annoying because there are things that she's doing is not to their liking or things that will lead to disaster. I mean I'm looking for someone who has the same work ethnic as I do as well man but I end up marrying someone who just doesn't get it! LMAO!

You appear to be unable to tell the difference between a "difference of opinion" and "the truth." You think that when she doesn't like something from your culture, that SHE has the problem when you will not adapt. You THINK you are open to and knowledgeable of the American culture, but the way you talk here indicates you think of it as wrong, foreign, and something to be kept at arms length. Your description of your wife saying you are controlling because you want to get your way is classic: you don't think you are controlling, it's just that she isn't obeying you when you want her to. You understand and respect her differing opinions and desires, you just think that once you SAY you respect them, she should buckle down and obey you.

Your parents are quite right at least in your respect, you are not someone who CAN have a real equal relationship outside your own culture, because from your own description , you are entirely unwilling to leave any of that culture behind.
This says it all: "when she marries me, she's married into the family hierarchy and we have very strict rules to follow because we're Viet, not typical Americans." YOU can't or wont stop being pure Viet.
Accept it, stop blaming your ex.
Oh, and your novel did not give me a "sone eye," what ever that is.

And can I add,,,find these things out before you get married. Since you are already married, learn the lesson and use it to make better choices in the future...

Igor: What you say is like a ***** slap in the face. But I have to take your criticism in and accept it. I guess reality says that I cannot be pure viet then. I will have to think twice next time. Thanks for the criticism.

MsHarmony: I'll take your advice and learn from my mistakes. I just didn't one to be the smart man who makes mistakes, I wanted to be the wise man who learn mistakes of others. That was what I wanted to point out to my ex wife and she didn't think it was fair.

I didn't read the whole post....


but it comes down to communication (the topic of the night)...

Both people need to be willing to communicate open and honestly and be patient when explaining cultural expections of family/friends.

This all needs to be discussed before marriage... the roles of each person in the marriage, children, work in and out of the home, the expected roles of them as their parents age etc...

I think anyone willing to marry someone that adhears to their culture and are not americanized, would make the effort to understand the culture... and those of non-american culture would take into account that they may have to compromise on some aspects.

If that made any sense.

Each person is different regardless of culture or background, etc.

Did you and the wife ever discuss any of this stuff before you got married? When I enter a relationship, I tell the guy how I am, I tell him what I expect and what I'm not going to put up with. He's free to do the same. That way, there are no hard feelings down the line, because I was upfront. It's pretty sad when people get married and they find out something about the other person that should have been shared early on, and then there's this whole "woe is me, we're doomed to divorce" mentality.