When I met my ex where she worked and she was the only cashier there she
remembered me and said, "Hello, Stranger". At first it took me back but
then I thought she described our whole two marriages together. If I
should meet her again I will return the favor by saying, "Hello,
Stranger."

well, lets see.. my first ex was an alcoholic/drug induced wife abuser,
who couldnt hold a job if someone stapled it to his person.he has turned
out to be even less of a father. Up until last year he used to beg me to
come back to him.. I finally put my foot down and told him to stop!.. I
haven't heard from him since.

my 2nd husband I put in prision for we shall not say and he will reamin
there for another 10 years IF he dosent get killed in there... im hoping
for the latter...I saw him in court January 2006 where he apologised to
me again and said he understood why he was there and he still loved
me.(good for him)

HOwever, If you were to contact ither of these two degenerates.. they
would both agree that I was a devoted wife, mother, and friend..
throuout the duration of our marriages.

All of my exes have told me that I was a great mom, honest person and
have wanted me back. One even called me after 16 years to tell me that
I was the one that "got away". My last ex however, lied to his own
family why I left and told them I missed my family, country. Some of
this was true but he forgot to tell them the "real" reason was the way
he treated me. He should have understood that I would miss my family
but he didnt care. Everything was about him and only him. There was no
room for anyone else.

Example...I became pregnant soon after the marriage and was bleeding
pretty badly...I asked him to take me to the hospital so he found the
worst "gun shot victim" hospital in Oakland to take me to and dropped me
off at Emergency. I asked him to come inwith me but he said he was too
tired and wanted to go home and have a nap!!!!

This is the same guy that I spent 10 hours a day with in the hospital
while he was in kidney failure and now needs a new kidney...so
baggage??? No I don't keep any baggage from him....I'm just pissed at
myself that I allowed someone to treat me this way!!!

Out of the absolute worst parts of my life...the ones that involved pain
beyond compare...

all of the darkest places that my paths have led...

it is very hard sometimes to step outside during...however, once it is
in the rearview, I have been blessed enough to have had to
friends...along with the DESIRE to be able to look back and evaluate the
situation for what it was

see my own shortcomings and faults...

see where I could have made better choices...

the key for me is understanding each situation as best I can...this does
require a visit backwards...sometimes

not living in the past...just learning from it.

Lest I will repeat these same mistakes by choosing the same paths...

I own this life that I have created for myself...and I strive to improve
it.

Live Learn Laugh Love

Well just to add to this first of all yes my ex and I can be at the same
place and have a decent conversation, But..... that was not an overnight
thing that happen we have been divorced now for 16 years now and it took
me 4 years of hating the ground he walked on for his actions that caused
the results it did. But finally I realized the only way I could move on
with my won life was to forgive him now I did not say forget for now I
can mention what happen and make a joke of it. But that is not an easy
path for alot to do and it don't just happen over night it is something
that each must realize it is best to forgive in order to move on with
your own life. Its over and time to move on. But wanted to make it clear
that it is not all that easy at times.

my ex hates my guts and basically wants me to disappear off the face of
the earth....and the feeling is mutual.

i've never been married.... But what i can say about all my ex's is
this.... they are my ex's for a reason and i wish to keep it that way...
i don't hate them though.

Something I have been pondering Michael...

Are we astute as people? Are we really intelligent and 'experienced' in
life?

Do we believe ourselves to be good judges of character?

Or are we duped, victims, conned, and tricked, by these partners we
speak not so well of?

For me to condemn any of them, to put them into neat little boxes and
label them mongrels, arseholes, etc, etc...what does that say about me?
Was I that stupid? Was I that blind? Did I not see anything ?

The reality for me was the GOODNESS of the person I chose to have a
relationship with, the initial attraction was real, and I would have to
believe in fairy tales to think there is not a dark side to everyone,
anyone...

So I cannot cry foul, I refuse to, we are all far from perfect, we all
have shades of light and dark...

I would like to think that any, and all of my ex's in my life, have 'let
go' of the not so great times we had, and moved on a better person for
their time they spent with me, as that is how I view all of them.

Ahhh...Lee, I knew that you would add some more groundedness... as you
always do...so real...

I tell you...lol...if I were a perfect judge of character... would I
even have an ex?...maybe so...maybe not...my intentions were not always
so completely understood by me...I have always fallin for who I thought
they were or would be...after they realized who I was...completely...My
goal(since my renaissance) was ALWAYS to show them love as they had
never known...what is within me

Problem has been, the contentment required for this to be completely
revealed has only happened for brief periods of time...if at all...I
have and will always continue to love one with everything that I have
available...which varies, depending on this spirit's comfort level...

I have been loved by another to the best of their own capabilities...
which did not always completely satisfy...my heart was never completely
at peace, because they never "became" the person that I expected them to
become...after "knowing"...

Dishonesty breeds the seed of doubt within me, which in turn is
accompanied by fear...and thereby reduces this heart's ability to be
completely at another's mercy...this has been the case.

Were my intentions more to help another in their life...surely.

I have chosen...somehow...to value the growth that comes from
failure...I can say, without question, that all I have loved knew that
they were loved by me...without question...It is too bad that maybe I
actually loved who I wanted them to be...

Never-the-less...I am content in knowing that there are a few people in
this world who I have shared a beautiful love with...even to this
day...by their own words.

Michael Gabriel

Michael, in response to your last post, this came to mind...


Something shared in the forums here, that may have been missed by
many...

It was a very simple statement, and is how I have learnt to veiw all of
my relationships with all I care for...

"No expectations"

Makes the whole journey, when developing relationships, with any and
all, a whole lot simpler....to just accept.

I am not usually on to hold a grudge for very long, but it is different
when it comes to my ex. I have my children to think about. I have sent
my ex to jail three times for assault. Most recently was a week and a
half ago. And we were not even together. So yes I have a hatred for my
EX. It would be like to anybody that brought harm to me and my children,
I would hold a grudge and hatred for them as well.

my ex always had trouble with reality...highly
developed sense of denial...what she feels about
me now doesnt matter because she doesnt remember
things the way they really were...which explains
why my daughters can barely tolerate her..

I only wish her well..wish she would find someone..

Lee,

Help I got some years ago, taught me,
"Expectations lead to control"

I learned that the only thing I can control is ME.
Have to accept after that.
Major change for my life.

Sage

We can have these expectations...these 'movies' in our heads of what a
romantic relationship 'should' look like...

When our lives, our past, our history, within relationships, have been
'less than', or even damaging, dangerous, or diminishing...we can carry
that damage, like a 'hole', in our hearts, our psyches...


I always ask myself, always, 'Is this relationship filling a hole, a
void?'

And then I HAVE to look at the expectations, the obligations, I place on
the other, to do that, to make sure I am not expecting them to fill a
void...

I call it 'ownership', I have to own my behaviours, my expectations, I
cannot 'project' my needs onto another, and expect them to fulfill
them...

That is controlling behaviour in my eyes, it is obligating the other.

Wow,, My Ex and I are Best Friends and have learned thru our divorce
that life is to short and for us to be able to raise our children with
Love, Respect and Appreciation of Life itself we had to be able to mend
our differences and act
like adults,,, for this I am thankful for we have been able to raise 4
of the most Incredible Young adults,

Beautiful words Lee....you have just shed light into this heart.

Thank you my friend,

Michael Gabriel

Considering my ex was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer 2 months after
our divorce and passed away 11 months later, yes, I'm in a better place.

Michael.

i like to believe that my ex and i bettered each OTHER, rather than just
one of us. love is supposed to build you, make you more than you
started...

Trying to remember some of my ex's complaints has helped to better me.
Some of those unresolved issues I have come to understand through
hindsight. They didn't make sense to me then because I had to looked at
a lot of things logically. I have found that logic can fail you when it
comes to relationships because people view things differently. Back then
I looked at it as men look at things differently then women but after
working at the nursing home for a while I am beginning to see it as
people look at things differently. For instance, one lady that I was
having trouble dealing with I found that other women were having trouble
dealing with for identical reasons. It was one of those lightbulbs that
go off and aids in understanding. One of my ex's complaint was that I
was insensitive. I have found that insensity can lead to indifference.
It has really helped me in my job of caring for others. My inability to
communicate because I would clam up has been like a two-edged sword in
the profession but the walk arounds that we have between shifts has
really helped me. What was interesting to me was that the problems that
I had with one particular nurse was because she viewed things similar to
me. Twice she is the one who realised two aides were trying to take
advantage of me. Since gossip spreads like wildfire where I work it has
helped to deal with all kinds of unresolved issues because I have begun
to see a lot of things in a new light. It has helped me to see that I
have created a lot of my own problems by not being able to communicate
effectively. If I say that if someone has a problem with me then come
talk to me about it then I should return the same favor by talking to
them if I have a problem with them. It is really some fascinating things
that I am learning.