I've been seeing some threads lately from guys who have been sending messages to people here and getting few, if any, replies.

It's a cyclical, recurring thing, like "nice guy" threads and "Why do all women _______?" threads -- if you don't see one, wait a little while, because there's another one coming along any time now.

And I can totally identify with the guys who start these threads. Hell, I tried sending out some messages when I was a rookie. Never got a reply, not one. So I stopped; I figured, what's the point?

After I had been around awhile, had become knwon in the forums, it changed. I started getting unsolicited e-mails from women on the site. And I decided that I would respond to everybody who wrote to me, provided it wasn't an obvious spammer/scammer.

And I understand the argument about "no one is obligated to reply to anybody," blah blah blah; but, to me, it's a basic issue of common courtesy. Somebody takes the time to write, I can take the time to say thank you, or to answer a question, or whatever.

But I can't very well tell these newer guys, the ones who haven't had any responses, "Hey, all you have to do is hang around long enough to make 20,000 forum posts." For one thing, that's a lot of writing, and it takes a long time, and a lot of people are not really going to want to wait that long or write that much.

For another thing, my 22,000 posts have yet to get me anywhere insofar as actually meeting anybody here, or having a date. The truth is, I've made some great friends here, and I can honestly say some of them are (even though I only know them on line) far better than any friends I've had in real life.

And that's what keeps me around here -- the great people I've found on this site, the ones who really know what it means to be a friend, to be supportive and caring and helpful and who understand the importance of sharing one's life with their friends.

And those are the people I exchange e-mails with on a regular basis....!

But as for everybody else....

Well, I guess I just don't understand why it is that a site with this many members, this many really decent people, doesn't seem to generate more real relationships. Oh, I know about distance, and I know about preferences, and I know about the 1001 other convenient catch-alls that come into play when someone isn't interested but doesn't want to say so directly or openly.

It just seems to me that it all has to start with communication.

Many people view an email as a form of interest, whether you mean it that way or not. Some people can exchange casual emails and it goes smoothly, no misunderstandings, no hurt feelings, just casual chit chat about nothing special, but some people can't. Some of them actually believe if you answer their emails, you WANT them, no matter what your profile says.

For those of you who will say "it's common courtesy" to answer, that might be true, but I'd rather temporarily hurt someone's feelings (it's the internet, you'll get over it) than have to block someone because he became a stalker/got rude/or just made me freaking uncomfortable. It's a rare person who can send an email, get a polite response back and let it go. I don't find that often, unfortunately.

Lex, that says it all. Your experiences here roughly parallel my own.

I believe the problem for many of those unfortunates who start the lack of response threads is the absence of strong communication skills. If they were truly communicative, like you or I, they'd welcome the opportunity to use the forums as a tool for making friends.

I agree. Sometimes I don't answer emails because I don't want the person to think I am interested. Lately I have answered most of them just by saying "thanks for the email".

Yep, but then, they think the "thanks" is still an open door for more communication. That's why I'd rather "offend" them than have a mile long block list (which I'm working on right now, grrrr)

I get so many emails that I just batch delete without opening

I have met some really awesome people here. Really truly honest to God !! Most people are just tired of the same old ****. Girls in particular hear the same old lines over and over again. The prettier a girl is the worst it is for her and another thing I have noticed from reading women's profiles here is that most guys misinterpret kindness for some secret code that says hey lets do the wild monkey dance. Listen guys just because she is nice to you does not necessarily means she wants to screw you silly. Work on the friend ship part first and you may have a better chance !!
I am myspace.com/soundmethodmemphis

Yeah, But I don't open the 2nd email from them. That sometimes works, sometimes not.

This site has email? How do I get to it?

C

Sometimes after a couple emails I know I'm not interested in this person so I don't write back... if that makes me a rude b!tch, oh well. I choose my fiends carefully, I'm allowed to do that.

Your right they interpret niceness for hey I wanna get in your pants

I have to tell them up front. Friends only!

But even the wackos I'm nice to and will email back and forth

Ya never know when you will make a nice friend!!

I CAME HERE LOOKING FOR FRIENDS AND I HAVE BEEN NICE TO EVERYONE. BUT WHEN YOU SAY HI ITS NICE THAT YOU GET A REPLY BACK. NO REASON TO BE RUDE OR JUDGEMENTAL. WE ARE ALL HERE FOR SOME REASON AND IF YOU CAN'T TAKE TIME TO SAY HELLO I JUST THINK ITS RUDE. IT DON'T MEAN YOUR ASKING THEM FOR ANYTHING OTHER THAN FRIENDSHIP. JUST BE YOURSELF AND EXCEPT OTHERS AS THEY ARE. YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TO CHANGE FOR ANYONE. EITHER THEY LIKE YOU OR THEY DON'T.

Yeah, there is definitely some truth to that. Communications skills are really essential in a medium like this one, because all you have to work with are your words!

It just puzzles me, though, to see profiles where people write things like "I welcome messages from anybody and everybody!" and "Don't be afraid to contact me, I don't bite, and I promise to write back!" and yet they don't.

If people have no interest in communicating, what's the point in pretending otherwise? Who does that help?

It shouldn't make you rude at all. To me it's the same as in real life, we don't talk to every single person who approaches us, so why should we "talk" to them online, just because they want us to? I've emailed guys and not gotten a response, but I don't care, I just figure they're not interested in being friends with me (or they actually read my profile and want more than friends) or whatever. But it doesn't destroy me, I just go on to the next one.

I GAVE UP IF THEY ARE INTERESTED THEY WILL TELL ME OTHERWISE THEY CAN MOVE ON THEIR CHOICE.

They don't mean that; "anyone and everyone" is still people they consider "worthy." I think a lot of people write that crap because it looks good, and then they figure it'll get a lot of mail, which they can weed through. Interesting strategy I guess....

Same here. There was a point where it became clear that I was not going to get any replies regardless.

Then, after I had been here awhile, I started getting lots and lots of e-mail from people who had read my forum posts or my profile. So there's really no need for me to send out any first e-mails anymore (and on those rare occasions when I have, I still get no replies!) --

I figure if they want to talk to me, they can write to me first. And a lot of them do, now. Still waiting for one of them to be dateable, but -- you never know....!

I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE JUDGED BY ANYONE. THINK ITS BEST IF I KEEP MY COMMENTS TO MYSELF. BETTER TO KEEP YOUR MOUTH CLOSED THAN MAKE A FOOL OUT OF YOURSELF.

Yeah, that's the way I figured it, too. It LOOKS good in the profile, but they have no intention of living up to it!

But it's like the "Looks don't matter, it's what's on the inside that counts" people -- cliches in the interests of PC, the attempt not to be perceived as shallow and superficial -- but for WHAT?

You know what? If you're shallow and superficial, best thing to do is OWN UP and stop wasting people's time....!

Because it's no CRIME to be shallow and superficial -- and why care about what other people think anyway?