I have always had fairly good self esteem in my life, especially as it related to my looks, intelligence, work, loyalty, dependability, and writing.

This is the first time in my life where my self esteem has begun to be erroded by a partner....concerning my looks - or rather, weight.

The weight is not the issue; I know I need to lose it for health reasons. I will, only the degrading has stalled it. The other person cannot understand their role in it or why. My self esteem is shot. I am feeling unattractive and worthless lately - for you see - it is not just the weight now - it is the fact that I have had breast cancer - and the pain and little scar that are reminders. That and the fear is a reminder.

Touch and sex and talking and holding have dwindled to practically nil. Of course, help with laundry and feeding and foot massages are still expected of me. No matter how I am feeling on any particular day. Oh, and the ogling of other attractive women continues - in full force - right in my face. Very rarely, there may be flirting, too. None of it is subtle or respectful, by any means. It is very degrading and diminishing of one's ego.

I don't know why I am writing this. I am not prepared to end it. It just hurts that my self-esteem has sunk to a level it has never been at. It confounds me. I never had an issue with body image before. I am amazed.

Too much information? Mods, please feel free to delete the thread. Thank you.

Angel,

I've seen pics of you. You're a beautiful woman.

Have you talked to him about how he's treating you?

I know that u say u are not ready to end it,but I have a question y would u want to stay with someone who makes u feel this way?u need someone who makes u feel good about yourself not terrible.

I would get rid of him and go get back my self esteem!J.M.O
Best of luck!

telling her to leave him, is the worst advice ever. That aint going to help her ego, she would just be alone with the same thoughts as before.

What you need to do is find someone that makes you feel good about you. A friend! If he can flirt and not think how it affects you, why dont you have that same right. Stop thinking that others are putting you in a box, you put yourself there. Words only have the weight that we give them. If you believe his words are true, that is your choice. This is why it is called SELF-esteem... it is how you view yourself. Toughen up and stop letting ANYONE make you someone you dont want to be.

Your advice, while well-intended and good in many respects, is contradictory. You tell her about self-esteem, yet you also tell her to find someone to make her feel good about herself? I think I get what you mean, but still?

Anyway, it's very difficult when you're with someone all the time to not let their words affect you. They are someone you love, you respect, whose values and judgement (presumably) you value. So, if they think that about you, and you respect(ed) them, might there be something in what they say? That's the mindset you come to have. Whether it's correct or not is another issue.

So, when someone is in that situation, where someone you love and who says they love you is blatantly disrespecting you, showing through their words and actions that they do not love and accept you, advising someone to leave is good advice. Hard, but probably necessary in every case. Because, really, why WOULD anyone want to be with someone who didn't love, respect and accept them fully and completely? Then, she needs to work on her self-esteem, and loving and accepting herself (faults and all) so completely that she will never allow herself to be in or remain in that type of relationship ever again. And only then should she look for someone who can enhance that love she has for herself.

JMO

Constantly; but he won't discuss it with me. He doesn't care. He says I am trying to change him and am accusing him of being unfaithful. I do not believe he has been unfaithful since we got back together. However, I admit, I am insecure, based on his past lack of fidelity in his marriage and other things he shared with me about his past. I want to give him a clean slate and trust him; but the "Guam incident" didn't do much to foster my trust.

I'm somewhat heavier than in the photos you saw. Still attractive, but heavier.

When we met in 1/08, he admitted I was not quite his type physically (it was true I could stand to lose 30 lbs), but that we were highly compatible and that he saw no problem with us being together for the long haul if I lost the weight that I wanted to lose on my own, anyway. (I won't comment on his looks or weight, but it currently, it is nothing like his photos and hasn't been for a while. He likes my cooking and he likes sweets.) I lost about 20 lbs or more within a few months, and almost the rest of it during the time we broke up in the Fall.

Unfortunately, because of the stress from my work, the cancer, and other treatment, I put the weight back on. I intend to lose it again and get fit - for HTN, orthopedic, gastro, and other personal reasons, but he hasn't been very patient about it. Instead, I get disgusted looks or comments and increasing disinterest in intimacy from him. Meanwhile, as from day one, he continues to make appreciative comments out loud, do headspins (or full body turns to stare), and smile at attractive strangers in front of me. I'm not jealous, and if it was respectful he didn't make it plain that he preferred them to me, it wouldn't be so hurtful.

He is very angry that I doubt and question at times. I do not mistrust him, except for when he eggs me on. And, he seems to do this on purpose at times. I don't know why. Other times, he behaves the way he does purely in service to the id, with no regard for consequences.

I feel horrible writing this. I love him and have no intention of leaving him.

You are right; and, the stress is not good for my chances of beating the cancer. But, I love him and there are a lot of positive qualities about him that are right for me.

I guess you are right... that was completely contradictory. But no matter how badly I form my thoughts... you cant let someone convince you that you are someone that you dont like.

We have a certain life style preference that is being worked out and that we both want very much; but, in general, I am not flirting or being with any other male, unless he approves. He has no problem with me appreciating others looks, but I never do it in a way that is obvious to him or anyone else; and he really isn't the jealous type, even if I do write to friends on occasion.

That is exactly why I am amazed. I never allowed anyone's words to influence how I felt about myself before. I have given his opinion and his words great power over my self-image and self-esteem. I'm not sure why it is different with him, but I've never had a partner quite like him before.

This makes sense. Thank you. Its because I love and respect him that it affects me.

I hear the rest of what you are saying, but I am not yet in the place to take that advice. I do appreciate your strength and support, though. I will think on your words.

Actually, it's quite easy to do. Ask any woman (or man) who has found herself or himself involved in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship. Many times, these people start out with normal self-esteem but it is worn down over time. No one wants or sets out to be abused, and generally it starts out so slowly that by the time it's really "bad," the damage to your psyche has already been done. It takes a really strong and perceptive person to recognize it for what it is in the beginning and end it. Many times, by the time it gets to that point, you have so much invested, it's very hard to see anything else.

BTW, I'm not alleging that this is the case here, just commenting on a specific sentence above.

You are right, of course. And, really, right now, I'm not specifically seeking advice, just venting and trying to calm myself down and get back some feelings of self-worth, if only briefly. I am good at speaking up for myself....but like you say above, at some point, you have so much invested that it is very hard to change the status quo. I would be devastated if we ended at this point.

Sad part is, I have been accused of allegedly "emotionally abusing" them for getting upset with the head-spins, wolf comments, and body turns. I have also been told that it is emotionally abusive to seek reassurance that they still desire me or want to be in the relationship after they stop being intimate or affectionate most of the time....and after everything that I tend to say irritates them immensely. On the one hand, I'm told it is abusive to think they have or would ever be unfaithful to me. On the other hand, I'm warned not ever to look for that sort of "trouble" because I just might discover something I don't want to find. On the one hand, I am told that they have cheated almost every time they have gone away on an overnight business trip while they were in other relationship(s) - but that I am very insecure and a "psycho" to think they would do it to me. They say it is abnormal for me to stress about these things. Is it unreasonable?

You are right, of course. And, really, right now, I'm not specifically seeking advice, just venting and trying to calm myself down and get back some feelings of self-worth, if only briefly. I am good at speaking up for myself....but like you say above, at some point, you have so much invested that it is very hard to change the status quo. I would be devastated if we ended at this point.

Sad part is, I have been accused of allegedly "emotionally abusing" them for getting upset with the head-spins, wolf comments, and body turns. I have also been told that it is emotionally abusive to seek reassurance that they still desire me or want to be in the relationship after they stop being intimate or affectionate most of the time....and after everything that I tend to say irritates them immensely. On the one hand, I'm told it is abusive to think they have or would ever be unfaithful to me. On the other hand, I'm warned not ever to look for that sort of "trouble" because I just might discover something I don't want to find. On the one hand, I am told that they have cheated almost every time they have gone away on an overnight business trip while they were in other relationship(s) - but that I am very insecure and a "psycho" to think they would do it to me. They say it is abnormal for me to stress about these things. Is it unreasonable?

A, your questioning your relationship (or certain aspects thereof) is most certainly not abuse. He is making accusations to get you to shut up, probably because he doesn't want to get caught or change the status quo. B, you being insecure about his cheating is not unreasonable, necessarily, given his past, especially if there are indications that this may be the case. (BTW, if you suspect cheating, please get yourself tested for std's because cheating is not only harmful emotionally, but physically as well. You're already dealing with cancer, you don't need anything else on top of it.

My take, it sounds as if he is trying to get you to end the relationship because he doesn't want to. Or, as I said above, if he makes you feel bad enough, you'll let him go about his merry business. He gets the home, the wife/gf/so (you), and everything he wants on the side with no questions asked. Sounds to me like he's getting the best of everything. Which leaves you with nothing at all.

I know you don't think you're ready. But, please question why you feel this is the best you deserve? You strike me as intelligent, thoughtful, well-spoken. You know, based on your posts, that it's wrong and that you don't deserve this. If this was your sister, or cousin or best friend, what would you say to them? Listen to that advice

He has admitted as much at times. At other times, he has angrily recanted and said how could I ever think he said that. At times, he says I do not hear anything he says, or that I twist it all out of context. I have never been accused of this before in my life by anyone.


Thank you for your post, Suz

Thanks for the boost, silly and wolfchic. Even if I don't act on the good advice now, your words helped me. They really did.

Some people in the alternative lifestyle I practice would read this and say I was being terribly ungrateful, disrespectful, entitled, and didn't know my place. They would see much of my partner's behaviors and decisions as being perfectly within his rights to do as he wished. Now, I am not vanilla and I do not believe my partner is either. However, I am torn between the way vanillas look at it and the way my other acquaintances and friends do. The views are widely disparate. On the one hand, if I follow this advice, I feel I am not being true to myself. On the other hand, if I do not heed these words, I feel disrespected, and that my self-esteem will be destroyed. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I don't know your spouse, but I think he needs an ultimatum. Either you both go to counseling or you go separate ways.

If he isn't willing/able to provide the love and support you deserve, then you deserve to be able to find it with someone else.