A man went up to the bar in a pub, and asked the man sitting at the bar
if the stool adjacent to him was free.
The man said that it was, and so he sat down.
He offered to buy the man a drink, and he said,
“You don’t need to buy me a drink just because I said the stool was
free.”
He replied,
“No. I insist.”
So the guy accepted.
He then, bought a drink in return, and this went on for the remainder
of the evening, until they were both extremely inebriated.
The guy who came into the pub second said,
“I’m going to have to go now. I’ve got to work in the morning. Can I
give you a lift?”
The first guy slurred in reply,
“Thanks that would be kind of you. I only live around the corner.”
The second guy stood up and made his way to the door.
On reaching the door, he turned around, to see the first guy lying in a
heap on the floor.
‘Oh God,’ he thought to himself. ‘He can’t hold his drink”
He went back, and helped him to the door, where he stood him against the
wall while he opened the door.
The first guy slid down the wall into a heap on the floor again.
With his foot holding the door open, the second man picked the first
guy up, and lurched into the car park to his car, where he leant his new
found friend against the vehicle so he could reach his keys in his
pocket.
Once again, the first guy ended up in a heap on the ground.
The second man managed to seat the first in the passenger seat, found
out the address of where his friend lived, and drove him to the front
door.
He went around to the passenger door, which he opened, and managed to
get his companion out of the car, and helped him to his front door.
He stood the man against the porch, where once again, the first
slithered to the ground.
He thought to himself, ‘I’m not going to ring the bell, in case his wife
blames me for getting him into such a state.’
The next morning, the second man woke up, lying on the porch, to find
his wife standing over him.
“Are you OK love?” She asked him.
“No.” he replied. “I must have had one two many last night.”
“One or two,” said his wife. “I’d say it was several too many. You’ve
come home without the wheelchair!”

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains
of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have
a dead *****.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit
with my wife. You two have a lot in common.