Rule 1: If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering
a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule 2: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at
her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you
cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove
them.

Rule 3: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your
age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off
their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of
your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open
minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise; You may come to
the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big,
and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do
not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter,
I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in
place to your waist.

Rule 4: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without
utilizing a “Barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me
elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule 5: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know
each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of
the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you
is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at
my house, and the only two words I need from you on this subject is:
“early Sir”

Rule 6: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many
opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is
okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little
girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished
with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule 7: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to
appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you
want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter
is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting
the Eiffel Tower. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do
something useful, like washing the pile of dishes I left in the sink.

Rule 8: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
daughter:
- places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden
stool.
- places where there is darkness.
- places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
- places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my
daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other
than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka—zipped up to her
throat.
- movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided
- movies which features chain saws are okay.
- soccer or rugby games are okay.
- old folk’s homes, playing bingo are better.

Rule 9: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,
middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter,
I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. I have forgotten
more about life than you will ever know!
If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to
tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
I have a nailgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not
trifle with me.

Rule 10: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to
mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a helicopter flying
over a field in Northern Ireland, while I am dodging the Provisional
IRA. The voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I
wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the
driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak
the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought
my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car—there is no
need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

OMG-I love it..so glad I have boys

Funny how things change in 20 years, isnt it???

And the boys who come calling, call me sir, too..

with the appropriate amount of fear, and quaver, in their
voice...

Lee, I wonder why that doesnt surprise me!!!

-----

These rules apply to ANYONE that Alex' daughter brings home ...

Otherwise, I will have to be checking out prison visiting times.

It is such an effort to stay so stern for so long...especially if my
eldest girl takes a long time to get ready...

I tell you, by the time they leave I am exhausted!!!

I need to take lessons from a doberman or something..

Alex is looking into getting big dogs!!

I dont mind volunteering ... the fringe benefits are pretty good.

I get my own bed, Im allowed out for walks every day (especially to the
market, the dry cleaners, the chocolate shop), I get fed and the kids
pull me around all day!!

Oh Duncan, I have visions of flea baths, and scratching
behind the left ear...worming time...vaccinations.....

The rest sounds pretty great.

hehe...he'll be like a big weanie dog. ooh, scary.

Its the gland removal at the base of my tail that is the major worry!!!

Mine are simple: If anything happens to my daugher, I have a gun and
shovel, and I doubt you will be missed.

Humm tooo funny humm could it be because I have said and used some of
these myself lmao #1 is my main pet peeve if ya not good enough to get
out of your truck come to my door come in amd meet me then your not good
enough to meet my daughter ohh by the way she is 22 now dating her first
b/f and only one she has had and the first time he pulled up and honked
cause they were actually more friends lmao as soon as she heard it she
proceeded to go outside and told him he had to come in lmao see even my
kids know that they don't want to deal with me on my pet peeves. But he
did come in and said how sorry he was before I got a word out hey he
made my heart list quick lmao. But has not to this day ever honked his
horn he gets out and comes in each time. Well that was before she got
her own place but funny cause she makes him get out and come to the
apartment still tooo funny hey it is all about respect!!

Having been subjected to nine 13yr olds for a b'day party, I am
concerned that the girl's parents let them out without wearing a sack!!!

OMFG!! Im sure they never looked like that when I was 13 ...


(well, Lisa Baker did, but thats different)