Your sweetie says,
'Let's go upstairs And make love,'
and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'


'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.


'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door,

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN. ..
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.


'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
It takes you all night to do what you used to do all night.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes?

Thinking....NO EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Three sisters wanted to get married, but their
parents couldn't afford it so they had it on the
same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a
honeymoon so they stayed home. That night the
mother got up becuse she couldn't sleep. When she
went by her oldest daughter's room she heard
screaming. Then she went to her second daughters
room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her
youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear
anything. So the next morning when the men left
the mother asked her oldest daughter. "Why were
you screaming last night?" The daughter said
"Mom you always told me if something hurt I
should scream."

"Thats true." She looked at her second daughter.
"Why were you laghing last night?"

The daughter said "Mom you always said that if
something tickled you should laugh."

"Thats also true." Then the mother looked at her
youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your
room last night?"

The youngest daughter said "Mom you always told
me I should never talk with my mouth full."

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California . White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq , Afghanistan , Syria and Lebanon ).

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica .

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.



Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

Kitty Porn lol

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists,
Marxists and Obama supporters, et al: We have stuck together since the
late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me
realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many
years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship
has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will
not ever agree on what is right so let's just end it on friendly terms.
We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own
way. Here is a model separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each
taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two
sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be
relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide
other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes. We
don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to
the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take
our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. You can keep Oprah,
Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible for
finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).

We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies,
Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys,
hippies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms,
greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and
Hollywood.

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to
invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and
war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault,
we'll help provide them security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.. You are welcome to Islam,
Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U. N..
but we will no longer be paying the bill.

We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can
take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors.
We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right.. We'll
keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure
you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to
Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.

We'll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty
your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history,
our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded
liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit
delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you ANWAR which one
of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,

John J. Wall Law Student and an American

P. S. Also, please take Barbara Streisand, Jane Fonda and Tom Cruz with you.

Learn to speak Chinese in 5 minutes!


(Important: Read Out Loud)


ENGLISH PHRASE CHINESE TRANSLATION

1)."That's not right"................Sum Ting Wong
2)."Are you harboring a fugitive?"...Hu Yu Hai Ding
3)."See me ASAP".....................Kum Hia Nao
4)."There goes Stupid Man"...........Dum Dum Wa King
5)."Small Horse".....................Tai Ni Po Ni
6)."Did you go to the beach?"........Wai Yu So Tan
7)."I bumped into a coffee table"....Ai Bang Mai Ni
8)."I think you need a face lift"....Chin Tu Fat
9)."It's very dark in here"..........Wao So Dim
10)."I thought you were on a diet"...Wai Yu Mun Ching
11)."This is a tow away zone"........No Pah King
12)."Our meeting is next week".......Wai Yu Kum Nao
13)."Staying out of sight!"..........Lei Ying Lo
14)."He's cleaning his automobile"...Wa Shing Ka
15)."Your body odor is offensive"....Yu Stin Ki Pu
16)."Great"..........................Su Pah

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

like the chinese philoshopher unconcisious said, tis better to love and lost than never to have watched lost in space

Danger, Danger Will Robinson

Thanks for adding guys

Your welcome...

A blonde city girl marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his
way out to the fields, the rancher says to her, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

The rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. The wife takes him down to the barn.

They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one, right here."

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me, lady,'cause I'm dying to know. How would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"

She turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder. "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

(It's nice to see a blonde winning once in awhile.)

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't," she replied.

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well," he thought. "I tried." But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"