Lately i have been self reflecting on who i am and who i wish to be. This has been a real eye opener ofr myself and has, instead of leading me to where i was going sent me right back to where i was. Normally i would not mind this, but it helped me understand myself better and i realized i was trying to become someone i did not wish to become.

Why did i do all this?

It was because i was lonely. I was tired of being the kind caring and compassionate man simply because the assholes and self centered men were getting alot farther.

I dropped the nice guy mentality and had a great time. I stopped using my heart and my mind and instead pushed for what i "thought" i wanted and it worked. Yet, i was not satisfied because it was not who i am. Women were chasing me for being the opposite of my true self. they started coming to me because i was being false.

So i ask what kind of world do we live in that women now value falsehood and fantasies more than the truth?

Where the hollow empty man with a shiny outside is worth more than the solid strong gem found just under the surface of the geode?

Why is it that i had to go against my nature to attract what i wished for? Yet even then was i only disapointed to find what i was attracting did not satisfy me because again they were wanting the fake image or shell of who i created to draw thier attention not the man deep within.

Does this mean that the man deep within is ugly?

Well apraently not, because everyone who knows him says that all women should love me. (i still think they're full of sh...stuff.) Yet they don't.

I am confident in my life, I am intelligent, and i don't think i'm all that bad looking. I'm no sexy hot beast or anything... but i'm still sexy!!

I am honest and loyal. As well as strong and proud, yet open minded and giving.

I have a great sense of humor and a sharp wit.

so tell me why is it that i do not fit an ideal woman's description?

Women tell me it is because i don't just take what i want. I am sorry, but i am not a thief. It is who i am to respect a woman for who she is. I value the mind as much as the body and therefore i don't mindlessly grope about trying to have my way with someone.

I've had countless women tell me that THAT is just what they want after the fact when the time has gone and passed.

You know the funny thing is... women may value the rugged instinctual man who grabs them buy the waist and throws them around without thier initial consent. I mean it's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission right?

I'm sorry if i go against the grain of society, but it is who I am. A man of honor and integrity. The true shining white knight you all "claim" to dream over. You just don't understand that Knights do not miraculously come out of no where. They only come once called upon specifically. Why? because you asked for an honorable man. A truly honorable man does not intrude where he is not wanted and he only knows where he is wanted when you show a need.

I have shown others before that i can sweep them off thier feet and am very romantic, yet simply because i chose respect over lust i generally lose my chances. I never go back anymore either. One thing women have to understand about thier "white knights" is that just because we don't sleep with you does not mean we don't ache for you. It simply means we are stronger than our urges and out of respect choose to gain your favor prior becoming animalistic.

I can't even begin to count the times now, that i treat a girl properly. The way she asks to be treated, then in the shadows up slips a hollow charming boy who only wishes to for the most basic of animalistic needs. Generally within a day or two this simplistic lesser child draws in the woman in question and succeeds in getting his way and hurting the girl.

This angers me beyond all reason... yet i am proud and my philosophy is... you brought it into your door and allowed it to trick you, so i am walking from said door...

harsh? yes... but when standing in the light of what you claim to dream of, why would you fall for the tricks of the shadows?

That philosophy may be harsh, but it is not as harsh as the feeling of being encroached upon by another in the light of all your efforts.

I aproach all women the same. never expecting anything in return, yet asking for it given freely. It is a hope not an expectation.

I never fully turn away from those i go after. i remain as friends to help them from here on, but never will i again give what i once did a second time.

For myself... a woman only gets one chance to fully open the gates of my heart.

once they are though i give myself over completely for as long as she'll have me.

I've done so before ad will continue to do so until i find the woman who will work WITH me to keep the relationship strong and alive. not 100% on either side, but both giving equally. one day i hope to meet her, but until now i remain unchanging for the likes of women anymore. I am who i am and i am proud that i can rise above the rest.

** not sure if i should even post this. i completely lost the message i wanted to portray... but then i am frustrated with things and keep getting distracted.... but what ever. i don't expect much from it.

Can I get the cliff notes?

I can deal with the truth whether I like it or not...a lie isn't real so you can't deal with it. i can see the positive AND the negative in myself...no one is perfect but I try to own up to it

You know.......when I was young, your age, I went for the assholes. Some take longer to learn. Im no exception. But if I could go back......I would go out with all those nice guys.

Appreciating truth and getting it are two different things. Plus, truth to one person is different from another. It depends on if it is truth within yourself, honesty, or perception. There aren't all the same thing.

Maybe in your opinion you are a sweet, loving, kind guy... to someone else you might be clingy, fussy and slightly neurotic. It's a matter of perspective.

You'll find the one you are looking for... maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But some day. All you can do is be true to yourself and your values. Actively pursuing a personality that is not yourself will only lead to disaster. It is one thing to evolve into a different person over time and completely a different thing to actively choose to be someone/something else you aren't.

If I could choose different with the knowledge I have now, would I? I dunno, because those learning experiences have made me who I am now. I happen to like me, so it was a good thing.

Right now, I'd just be happy to find someone that can carry on an intelligent conversation without constantly looking at my boobs! LOL

Interesting

yes when i was in my teens i tended to be clingy and fussy. Yet i learned adapted and changed when i realized that that is a baaaaad trait. who knew? it really hit home when i found myself with a clingy girl about 4 years ago. So i do believe i have learned my lesson.

as far as truth? yes i am true to myself long before others. i have been dishonest before i am not perfect by a long shot. If i was perfect then i wouldn't be posting on mingle, nor in college.

I am not exactly sure as to what i am trying to find on mingle actually... but it does pass the time between classes.

and about the foot notes... sorry i know i am VERY long winded. But hey it kills time!! :D

Some claim to Seek what they percieve to be ideals, yet they themselves know nothing of the ideals they claim. When confronted with the reality of the Grail is found, they cannot accept that it is not what they thought they would have, so...humans being the naturally base creatures we are, are in turn attracted to what would seem the polar opposites of what was once 'desired'. Then, the cycle repeats with the baser types being shunned in favor of the first ideal. That is why, in my opinion, women seem so fickle. Even THEY don't truly know what they really want, just that what they have, or is readily available, is not par for their 'perfect' Other.

Curiosity made me look.
True,I would, initially have a tough time carrying on an intelligent convo. with you.

As per the topic.
Your thoughts are not unique.
Be who you are except, a little less desperate. Stay single, without looking, until you are content with you. When you are comfortable living with you, then, you will attract who is for you.
I promise.

what I appreciate is short concise posts. I dont have the attention span for more than three sentences at a time

Thanks hon.

I don't like to consider myself desperate. I suppose it depends on how you define desperate. It's possible i am, but it is not how i view myself. Hopeful yes, desperate no.

I am not willing to do "ANY"thing for what i want. And i would honestly rather not even have anyone right now anyways... women have been aggrivating me as of late, and REALLY want a break. so i am reflecting and simply wanted some input on my reflections and thoughts.

Played the tomcat... did the research... now it's time to analyze the data!!