Sometimes, it is not that they don't like themselves, but that they are afraid to have a relationship with themselves first because there is an emptiness inside that has been there since day one. When we have never been given adequate attention, caring, love, affection, and understanding as children, we start out with a deficit. We can't love the same as others YET because we have never internalized it. There is nothing there to give in the first place. There is an emptiness, a deep void where that feeling of self love usually resides for most people.

Starting out with a deficit or a liability in life is not the fault of the child or individual. For those that take on "the challenge with no guarantees" in life of trying to fill that abyss with positive self regard and love, it is truly courageous, if perhaps quixotic, for one is a fool to think they can fulfill such a monumental task a lone without a support system, self awareness, and self forgiveness/acceptance. We need surrogates to stand in and slowly help to nourish and replace, reparent and understand what was never there in the first place. We cannot give something we never had to give in the first place, as much as our heart yearns to. This is the catch-22 of loneliness.

I understand completely what you are saying...and you are right, it is a monumental task to fill what wasn't originally, but it is incumbent upon that person to do so - one baby step at a time. The cool thing is that as you start learning to love yourself, you draw love to you without even trying...maybe not from parents or even from a romantic partner...but it does happen.

We cannot learn it when we don't know how; when there is no model to emulate or draw from. That is where surrogates come in, to help us learn to reparent ourselves by slowly gifting us with what we never had. The power of peer support and the family of "choice"; not origination.

Amen for the family of choice! And mentors...I had an amazing mentor come into my life about 10 years ago and honestly...it changed who I am in terms of self-love & self-respect. My kids had mentors and without having had one myself, I wouldn't have nearly as much appreciation for that role (so I try to play that forward.)

Sounds like you and I are on the same page (or close to it )

I 'joke' that while I was raising my kids I was raising myself and in many ways that is hardcore truth. Learning to love yourself is not an impossible task, but certainly not easy and it takes a long time - a lifetime, maybe. Thankfully, you CAN figure out a lot through observation of positive relationships (and unfortunately also through trial and error) and personally, I work on this every single day & probably will have to for the rest of my life. Early lessons - or lack thereof - are extremely difficult to unlearn and overcome.

((Hugs))

I cant even get one relationship going.

I have a friend who did this, jumped to one to the next without a breather. I asked her why she did this and she said she never wanted to feel that "saddness" from a relationship again. No I dont think its healthy. I think all people should reflect and look inward and outward to what went wrong in all relationships.

Its not healthy at all. It took me 8 months to get over my divorce and I'm the one that divorced him. I just don't want to carry anything from the last relationship into the new relationship. I am just now getting to where I want to date again. Time and reflection as stated by many in here is the key. galendgirl you had it right when you said "Maybe they are afraid or unable to have a relationship with themselves first - and if you don't like yourself, other relationships are likely to fail." If you can't love yourself how can you expect someone else to love you?