Texas Chili Contest
If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's
no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to
read this slowly.

If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of
the third judge is even better. .

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield, IL Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be
selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called
in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the
judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when
the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans)
that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I
could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to
put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are
crazy.


CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not
sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to
rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine
by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on
the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
****-faced from all of the beer.


CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally,
the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB
woman is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four
people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when
I
told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue
from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder
if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other
judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those red necks.


CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** on myself when I farted and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe
my
ass with a snow cone.


CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in
a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note
that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress
as he is cursing uncontrollably.

you could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava
to
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
me.
I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the
4-inch hole in my stomach.


CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top
of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder
how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

Rick, this is so funny I remember the first time you put this up, I had
done some cutting and pasting then sent it to my brother. Wee was
laughing so hard we couldn't finish reading it.

FINE, I STILL LAUGH LIKE MAD WHEN I READ IT....LOL

You and me both sweetie.

jesus christ thats some funny right there, dude would die if he ate my
mommas chili, it had a few texans ans a mexican drinking gallons of beer
and milk to cool off, yet we downed 5 bowls and came back for more, they
thought we were insane...

I am still trying to catch my breath. Wow!!!

thats hilariuos. I have to send that to a couple of buddies. Thanks.

way too much this really made my boring day at work loolll oh my god

<<<<<<<-----------has
<<<<<<<-----------no
<<<<<<<-----------hope

to the terrilingua chili cook off i go
yee haw

Oh
tooo funny, can't breath!!!

Good one

Now thats funny right there, I don't care who ya are.

Hey
Rick!!