a woman is being taken to the operating room. the doctor tells her it
will just be a minute but he has to leave her in teh hall. He walks away
and she is left there on the gurney wearing nothing but a sheet. three
men in white coats are talking at the end of the hall. One comes over
lifts the sheet, checks her out and goes back over to teh other 2 men.
the second comes over and does teh same thing. The third comes over
lifts teh sheet and she says "these little inspections are fine and all
but when are we going to start teh operation?'
"Beats me lady we are just here to paint the halls."

a duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender fro some duck feed.
"DOnt have any duck feed we are a bar."
This goes on for several days when the bartender finally gets fedup
"Look Ive been tellin you for a week now this is a bar. We dont have
duck feed never have never will. You ask me again and I am going to nail
your feet to the floor."
Next day in walks teh duck. He walks up to the bartender and says "Got
any nails?
"no"
"Good got any duck feed?"

A man walks into a bar tells teh bartender to line up 10 shot glasses in
a row and fill them all up with whiskey. He starts drinking them as fast
as the bartender can pour them. He gets to the last 2 and the bartender
asks him what his hurry is.
" youd be in a hurry to if you had what I got." se slams the last shot.
"What do you have?"
"About 50 cents" as he runs out the door.

Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?

Why do they call it a television set when you only get one?

A blond walks up to a pharmacist and asks for some of that rectum
deodorant. The pharmacist tells her they dont sell such a thing She says
well I just bought it here a couple of weeks ago. He asks her to bring
in teh empty container. She returns and hands it to him. "maam" this is
just regular under arm deodorant."
She grabs it and points to the directions on the container and reads.


"To apply push up bottom."

thats cute!

A city man decides he has had enough and sells everything he owns to
live in the country. He buys a place way out in teh mountains where his
closest neighbor is 2 miles away. He is out chopping wood one day when a
burly bearded mountain man comes up to him. "How ya doin? Im your
neighbor down teh road. I was wonderin if you would like to come over
for this party Saturday night?"
"Sure id love to."
" gotta warn ya. theres gonna be a lot of drinkin goin on."
"thats fine with me I can put back a few."
"last time I had a party there was a lot of screwin too."
" Fine with me Ive been single for quite a while I could use some."
" Theres also gonna be a lot of fightin."
"I can hold my own. I used to box for a while after high school.
Anything special I should wear"
" Oh that dont much matter its just gonna be the 2 of us."

2 gays and 2 lesbians are racing cross country who wins?


2 answers here. no 1 the gays because they already have their s**t
packed

no the lesbians because they are doing 69 all teh way and the gays are
still back packing their s**t

Turn it upside down.

Two Italian men were sitting in front of a woman on a bus talking. "Emma
come first. Denna I come. Two asses they come together I come again. Two
asses they come togethr again. I come again and pee twice. Thenna I
comea once more."
The woman turns around and yells "You pigs! We dont talk about our sex
lives in public!"
"Heya lady relax. Ima justa tellun my friend howa to spella
Mississippi"

Its October and an Indian chief thinks its going to be a bad winter. so
he tells his tribe to start gathering wood. He calls the national
weather service to see what they think and they say "all indications are
a very cold winter is ahead for us." one. He sends the tribe back out to
get more just to make sure they have enough. He calls and double checks
and they confirm a harsh winter is on its way.
The chief orders all his people to scavenge every last scrap they can
find. Two weeks later he calls the weather service again and asks "Are
you sure its going to be extremely cold?"
Absolutely replies the man, " the Indians are out there collecting
wood like crazy!"

A gofer delivers some car parts to a dealer in Beverly Hills. The owner
asks what the usuall tip is.
"Well this is my first delivery but the fellas at the shop say if I get
5 bucks out of you Ill be lucky."
" Is that right? Well just to show them how wrong they are here is a
crisp new 20 dollar bill."
"thanks Ill put this in my school fund."
"What are you studying?"
"Psychology"

God has just finished telling Moses how the Israelites should live as he
gave him the commandments. Moses looks up and says OK God let me get
this straight. They get to keep all the oil and we have to cut of the
end of our whats?

A man dies and goes to hell. Satan tells him he has 3 choices for how he
wants to spend eternity. He opens up the first door and there are people
standing on their heads on a concrete floor. "NO way whats door no.2?"
Satan opens it up and there are a bunch of people standing on their
heads on a wooden floor. "Nope whats door no 3?" They go to door no 3
and everyone is standing knee deep in cow manure drinking coffee. Well
its better than standing on my head. Satan goes and gives him a cup of
coffee. He walks in the door shuts hes looking around thinking it could
be much worse. Just then a coice comes over the loud speaker. "OK coffee
break over. Everyone back on your heads."

1. they have a vaginal opening.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. oh and breasts.

Ladies do you know how to make your man both happy and sad at the same
time?
Tell him his penis is bigger than his brothers.

a man gets pulled over for speeding. The officer walks up to the window
and asks for his drivers license and registration.
" I havent had a license since I was 18.
" What about your registration?"
" I dont know where it is. I stole this car."
"Check in the glove box."
"You dont want me to do that sir. There is a gun in there."
"A gun? Why is there a gun in the glove box?"
"I used it to kill the owner of the car. His body is in the trunk."
The officer goes back and calls for back up. 10 cars show up including
the captain who walks up to the window with his gun drawn.
"Open the glove box very slow and take out your weapon."
"What weapon?"
"The one you told the officer was in the glove box."
"I have never fired a gun in my life."
"Do you have a drivers license?"
"Right here officer. Here is my registration too."
"Open the trunk."
He pops the trunk open, the officer looks inside nothing but a spare
tire.
" Alright what is going on here? You told my deputy that you had no
drivers license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box. and a body
in the trunk."
"Sir I assure you I did no such thing but I bet that lying sob told
you I was speeding too."

a priest gets pulled over for speeding. The officer walks up and says
sir I smell alcohol have you been drinking?
"No sir just water."
Why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at it, dumps a little out looks at the sky and says
"sweet Jesus he did it again."

Mudjuba is trying to get in to the us legally. The immigration officer
tells him he has one last test. He must use the words yellow pink and
green in a sentence.
He thinks for a minute and says "ok I have got it. The phone goes
green green green. I pink it up and say yellow this is Mudjuba."
He now lives happily in the us and works for Verizon customer service.