I'm having a hard time forgiving my dad...

He's an in-denial alcoholic, who drank away and smoked weed away my parents' house, thousands of my dollars and my education money.

He lives on his own now in an apartment with his pension, while my mom is staying with my brother, has since august since she took off from my dad, but cant get anything so far as welfare, social assistance or disability for her debilitating arthritis.

Mom never had a career, she was a career stay at home mom for us four kids, and though she does have college, she can't work because of her arthritis.

I feel very angry all the time at my dad, especially since he calls us all the time, alternately crying about how he's lost everything, and then being verbally abusive saying we abandoned him and are poisoned against him because of my mother.

Then on the other hand I feel sorry for him, he lost his mother 2 years ago sunday, his friend shortly after, and never has been able to express his feelings in any way other than anger and sullenness...

My dad calls me to complain about my mom, and my mom calls me to complain about my dad, they both call me to complain about how ****ty their life is. I don't tell either of them my issues or anything anymore, they figure out and twist my words to make it sound like I am either lording my "life" over theirs and looking down on them, or find ways to say i have nothing to complain about, look at my life etc etc

Im so stressed out about them, and their constant phone calls, nothing i say to them changes their outlook on anything, and its really wearing me down. Im not as upbeat as before, and my relationship is suffering, as well as my patience with the idiots I work with.

One night a few weeks ago, my dad called me stoned out of his mind, and drunk to boot, saying how i wasn't his daughter any more, i told him i wouldnt be talking to him as long as he was still drinking, because i dont need that in my life. He really hurt my feelings with things he said. Now i dont answer if he calls, and im ready to give up listening to sarcastic and mean spirited voicemail messages he leaves, im tired of hoping for an apology or an i love you...

Im not even sure Im posting this in the right forum, but i guess i just felt the need to get this off my chest. I want my "life" back, and Im getting exhausted trying to be everyones' cheerleader, and hoping for some support in return from my family.

Am I being irrational? Should I be able to handle all this better? How can I verbalise what i need to my partner, so I can allow him to comfort me?

forgiving is hard.. i have a similar problem with my childrens paternal unit.. he tried to kill me twice. literaly.. probibly three times.. once he held a gun to my head and pulled the trigger.. but the gun jammed, once he held a knife to my throad and tried to cut out our unborn child (he stoped himself that time, and once he tipped over a dresser with a tv ontop of it on to the bed where i was sleeping.. (i was preg then too) lucky i woke up and rolled out of the way..

thing is.. i have more than enough reason to HATE him for the rest of my life.. and definately enough emotion to do so...

but do you have any idea how much EVERGY it takes to keep those feelings all the time.. as soon as i chose to forgive him.. and move on with MY life..
all those feelings of having "me" came back..
i missed "me" and my "life"

i wish i had better advice on what to do in your situation.. but i do not..
just hang in there. its GOTTA get better.. and if you ever need someone to talk to there are plenty of us who would be glad to listen..


**my best advice would be to distance yourself from them for a time.. take a week off away from them and their drama.. YOU call them once a week from then on.. and clearly tell them that if they cannot treat you with the dignaty and respect that you deserve as a self sustaining adult.. then you would apprecieate not hearing from them until they coudl.. but i do know that that is not a realistic option due to the fact that they are your parents.. and i know how hard atha can be..


best of luck..

I'm so sorry, it's never easy being caught in the middle of an emotional war between loved ones. It's exhausting, unfair, and so painful, but you can't really change things that are out of your control. These things have been going on for so long, and are in a sense "their problems", you can only help so much, they have to want to change, and they have to follow through, but the hardest step is the first, which is realizing that the problems are affecting everyone around them, and want to get help to deal with the past, make the appropriate changes, and find the strength to follow through and make it to the other side. Prayers are with you all.

sounds like your always in the middle.. im the same way im the youngest of 4
and im usually the one calling my dad to see how hes doing, and he doesnt ask much about my sisters. when my older sister was 2 and my other sister was 1 my dad was hardly ever home and my mom said that my older sister would call the landlord daddy.
my mom had a dobi and that was her dog she wouldnt bark but she would growl to let my mom know someone was there. and its funny she wouldnt even let my dad in the house(GOOD DOG!!)
my parents were selfemployed for 21yrs and he was always gone so when we needed him he wasent there and when we didnt need him he was there. my mom was pretty much both mother/father
i dont think anyone on my dad side had any issue with alcohol. but one of my mom brothers was a alcoholic for years it began when his twin brother died. and hes been sober now for 19yrs his only son died from alchol poision about 19yrs ago and left 3 kids behind he was 28yrs old.
my one sister hasent spoken to our dad for 3yrs and prior to that was 10yrs. the reason they talked 3yrs ago was because i was in the hospitol and had surgery and when i woke up my mom, dad and my sister were right there. any how they just didnt get along. i even remember one time when i was in grade school my older sister and my dad got into some argument i dont remember what it was about. but he draging her across the living room and she was screaming.i cant say i didnt have a good family for i did because my mom was always there for us.

**my best advice would be to distance yourself from them for a time.. take a week off away from them and their drama.. YOU call them once a week from then on.. and clearly tell them that if they cannot treat you with the dignaty and respect that you deserve as a self sustaining adult.. then you would apprecieate not hearing from them until they coudl.. but i do know that that is not a realistic option due to the fact that they are your parents.. and i know how hard atha can be..


Yes, be their for them if they need you in a constructive, supportive way, but make it clear that you will not listen to or tolerate any undue or irrational ranting about the other, or abusive behavior towards yourself. You can still love them and help them, and stand up for yourself too. Parents or not, you deserve respect and decency too.

Speaking out of experience the best I can tell you is to concentrate about yourself and what you want in life. It is very important to communicate within your relationship. You can't keep giving your attention to your parents. When parents go through this type of issue they are just like a little child. The more attention that you give them the more they require. I know that it sounds selfish but as soon as you realize that you need to focus on you and your life the sooner everything else will fall into place.

Have you gotten yourself to an Alonon meeting or something of the type? Your parents made their messes and you as a young adult already had enough to live with. You cannot handle their garbage and they have no right, but are too immature to realize they have no right TO KEEP DUMPING ON YOU. You do need to control everything when it comes to dealing with them. It sounds like they not only want to complain and use you as a verbal punching bag, but they expect you to be there for them when they clearly haven't been or can be there for YOU, THE CHILD, and they want you to pick sides; very immature. If you get to Alonon or something similar, they will listen, share and give great ideas on how to manage yourself and protect yourself and help you sort out the crap. I'm sorry your Mom suffers from arthritis and cannot get the help she needs at this time, but she still shouldn't be doing this to her children. And at the rate they are going with you, all they will manage is further estrangement. God bless and FIND HELP for yourself.

I thought al-anon was for the actual alcoholic?


I wonder if this is possibly harder for me because I suffer from PTSD and have history with abusive male partners??

I'm sorry they are doing this to you! All have given you sound advice.

Shame on them for putting you in the middle and pulling you down.

Some people can be given a 100 solutions to their problem and won't take one of them. They "feed" off the miserable situations they complain about! Usually it takes some kind of horrible crisis to make them do something about it.

Take care of YOU! Whatever it takes! If you have someone you trust to confide in, talk, talk, talk if it helps!

i was in a relationship while i was going through my divorce 19yrs ago. i was with this guy for a yr. and he was a alcoholc he wasent abusive he had a good heart but i got tired of cleaning up the mess. i still talk to him every now and then.

al-anon is for family members whos parents or family are going through treatment..
i went to a meeting with that one old bf for moral support. and he only went once for he that it was all games

AA *alcoholics anonamous( sorry i cant spell worth a damn today) is for the actual alcoholic..
al-anon is for the "survivors" the family of an alcoholic..
its a great rewource..
also.. you may check with your local chapter of domestic violence... they have amazing resourses and ideas on how to deal with situations like these.

just a thought.. its possible that you have a history with abusive relationships BECAUSE of this..

I'm so sorry you have to go through this...

Everyone has given really good advice and I don't think I could add more that would be any more helpful..

I will say that I've had my own family issues and what I did was just shut the door.. I changed my number and let no one know it. It seems harsh but my family knows that I will not do drama, dysfunction, etc. and if they try to bring it I shut them out. that's what I had to do to make sure my sons were raised without craziness that sometimes can be brought in without your wanting it... Just recently I tried to help my brother b/c he needed it and he turned my house upside down, I learned THEY don't change and I'll never ever doubt my instinct or survival again.