I somehow missed your post Karen, I am so sorry the jerk got away with it. Did you manage to keep the restraining order against him?? I would push for that at least. Keep working with your support people and see what you can do. You have friends here who car about you, remember that.

Angel - I hope you are doing okay. I know you must still be in shock. Have you checked into support groups in your area, most hospitals have cancer support groups and they are awesome. Our hospital has social workers who can hook patients up with all kinds of services, why don't you check with your hospital's social
worker(s) to see what services they know of and can provide. They even offer some counseling. I took advantage of them when my brother died, it was really helpful. They also helped me get my dad into the nursing home when I couldn't care for him at home anymore.

Remember you have friends here and we do care. Write whenever you want to talk. Take care of yourself.

Thank you, Marie. Excellent advice. I have looked into some resources and wish I'd called them last week. I have been having a rough time of it, both emotionally and in getting the care I need.

As for Depression and Anxiety, my doctor put me on Prozac a while back. A minute dose, it has helped. However, it seems to have put weight on me that is making me much more depressed than other things. She doesn't understand what an issue it is for me and my quality of life and I am thinking of switching providers because she doesn't understand.

I'll call you angelindarkness, angel
just touch my cheek before you leave me
then slowly turn away from me

There'll be no strings to bind your hands
not if my love can't bind your heart
I forget the rest of the words

Pretenders - Angel of the Morning

There'll be no strings to bind your hands
Not if my love can't bind your heart
And there's no need to take a stand
For it was I who chose to start
I see no need to take me home
I'm old enough to face the dawn

Just call me angel of the morning, angel
Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby
Just call me angel of the morning, angel
Then slowly turn away from me

Maybe the sun's light will be dim
It won't matter anyhow
If morning's echo says we've sinned
Well, it was what I wanted now
And if we're victims of the night I
won't be blinded by the light

Just call me angel of the morning, angel
Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby
Just call me angel of the morning, angel
Then slowly turn away from me

I won't beg you to stay with me
Through the tears of the day
Of the years, baby

Just call me angel of the morning, angel
Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby
Just call me angel of the morning, angel
Then slowly turn away from me

Oh baby, I love you baby, oh baby

this is really a great thread. I had forgotten about it when I needed it. I wish the best for everyone.

It sure has helped me a lot, yellowrose10.

Tonight, one of our nurses was really excited. She had asked everyone one to pray for her on this house she was trying to get. One of my coworkers who is a 6 generation witch told her that she doesn't pray but she would light a candle for her. The coworker came and got me for work. My excuse that both of my vehicles are down doesn't seem to hold water. Our new NSA that goes by CNA supervisor told her to come get me and even her boss did, too. Our charge nurse gets so much drama that she can't even stand it on television and told me to either change the channel or turn it off. She told me that coming to third shift has really calmed her nerves. Another nurse just came back from a nurse's meeting and had herself in a tizzy. I could tell that from going to work last night when instead of saying her usual nice hello it was don't even start with me and what are you smiling about? It is like they drive each other nuts with it sometimes. We had a good night.

Had a therapy session today.....went very well. One thing I am learning is that the rage, pain, and sense of betrayal that I feel is valid. I grew up being told that you shouldn't feel this way or that for certain situations, and if I did, then I would feel horrible about myself.

I always thought that I was this horrible person because I felt....(how can I put it????)....discouraged, disgusted, frustrated, guilty, hostile, paranoid, and suspicious about most events that have happened in my life. Then again, I grew up in a very harmful environment. Both parents were drunk most of the time, being molested by two different men in my life, being raped twice, and being verbally abused by my mom, stepdad #1, stepmom and one of my stepsisters. Then there's that whole ordeal with my ex-fiance, losing custody of my daughter, and a lot of people throwing all of my mental illnesses in my face.

I have bipolar 1, borderline personality disorder, general anxiety, and PTSD. Come to think of it, only a very few people hhave NOT thrown all those illnesses in my face. I can name each and every one: Ken (current boyfriend), Aaron (current therapist), Susan (former therapist), Larry (my bestfriend), Daddy, Vinson (brother that has my daughter), and Tom (my oldest brother). Everyone else in my life has used those to their advantage.

I haven't had any urges to hurt myself in over a month now. That might seem like long to most people, but it's a great step for me.

I am glad you aren't being self-destructive, Amber. I had some good times in therapy sessions. They really can help. The guilt that I have found helpful are like a idiot light and let you know something is wrong. The place I work has helped me much with my rage. I have found that others can fell the way I do. In treatment I found that I wasn't a bad person but I did have some problems that I needed to work through. Feelings I have found are neither right or wrong and that they just are something that we have. i am glad the therapy session went well. Life is just too short to be pissed off all the time. I am glad you have family and significant others in your life that you can go to. They told me in treatment that I had to stop blaming my parents and it helped me to grow up and eventually start to be responsible for myself. I find it helpful to treat myself to things that can make me happy. I had a great day just cleaning up my kitchen and cleaning up the yard, today. Was real nice to enjoy nature outside and it was okay to be alone with my creator. I was just sitting watching this brush fire that I had made to clean up the fallen branches. I hope you have many more good days.

I have finally gotten back into my cleaning mode. As soon as I can get my car back I am going to have to restock up on cleaning supplies.

I like that song

i've needed to restock on cleaning supplies for a while myself....will you come clean my house???

Try not to worry so much about some weight gain right now, concentrate on getting treatment and getting well. A friend of mine was a little overweight when she went through breast cancer therapy and she went through chemo and radiation and there were times when she wasn't up to eating and I think frankly having a little extra weight carried her through those times. Prozac can also have the side effect of making some people lose weight, just depends on the person, all antidepressants affect people differently. I have had side effects from all of them except for the one that worked for me and they took it off the market as people started dying from liver failure, figures, after I had been on it about 3+ years, but it was the only one that really made me feel better without side effects. If it is not a major weight gain, I would encourage you to work on your other health issues and getting well and deal with the weight after you are well. As far as your provider, if you feel she is not listening to you, by all means find someone who will. Word of mouth tends to be a good way to find someone. If you find a cancer support group, that may be a good way to find a really good new provider, from some one in the group.

I hope things are going well for you, I think of you often and am keeping you in my thoughts. Take care of yourself, stay strong and keep positive and fight your disease.

I just live in a two bedroom house and it really doesn't look that big until you try to clean it. What amazes me is that I am the only one who lives here. I don't even have pets and how can this place get this dirty. I am glad Michael gave me the link to the Andrew Wommack audios. I just play them and they are like someone is here with me so that my mind is listening to the audios. I had this one person just sit here one time just so I would clean. She didn't stay long though. I guess it just made her think that her own house needed cleaned. Great way to get rid of visitors, huh? One time my ex mother-in-law started cleaning in my house and it made me mad because it made me think I should clean the place up and I felt like my house was the same as me. That I wasn't good enough like I was. So every time when she came by I would start cleaning as she was sitting down. It broke her of cleaning my house. But it didn't bother her that I was cleaning. Come to think of it every time I came to her house she was cleaning. Bless her heart I still love her. Is that stupid or what?

doing good.......finally over tonsilitis

I am glad you are over that, Amber. I can remember once having my tonsils lanced when I had it with strep throat. Last night as I was talking to the nurse she told me that in our vent sessions that my rage had scared her in the past. I was telling her how when I was first venting with her that I would cuss and raise my voice loudly. It was then that we had some real debates over altruistic ideas. I was arguing how I felt over some state rules that she had to follow and in following them how I should follow them since I was under her authority. It finally got to the point that at one time that she told me that I should take my concerns up with her boss. Like me she was just following orders when you think of it altruistically in my way of thinking. I mean I would do what she told me do and eventually without fussing about it. Last night as she having trouble with rage I was telling her that she should be the calm one since she is my boss. I had her giggling so bad that she told me that I just had to quit with the wise cracks because it was affecting her job and the residents could see it. We had a good night and later I was able to buy the younger male aide who has been giving me rides to work and back breakfast. He is no longer in hell with his old live-in girlfriend because him and her have had a clean break. Now that everyone can see that he is going with the new girlfriend they can see that he isn't cheating on the old girlfriend. He has been telling me though that he gets lonely now and like me he has to push himself to clean up after himself because he doesn't have the old girlfriend to nag him to clean up after himself. He is telling me that he really hates cell phones because his new girlfriend is constantly calling him He was just telling me that he is in trouble with the new girlfriend. I was telling him in a form of a question that he is in trouble, again. He was telling me that he thought it was funny how I said again.

well, my best friend's husband is back in the hospital for the second time this month for blood clots in his legs and lungs.

Luv all you people