As someone said above, they abuser strips the woman (or man) of their self esteem. They tell them repeatedly they are no good, etc.

They also (many times) threaten to kill them if they leave. And, in my case, threatened to kill our daughter along with me if I left him.

The physical abuse damage heals fairly quickly, but the verbal goes really deep, can take years to heal. The fear runs really deep. It took me 10 years to finally get to the point that I just didn't care if he did kill me and I left him. He obviously didn't follow through with his threat, but I knew he was capable, found out after I married him that he had done 3-1/2 years in prison for 2nd-degree assault (had knifed a guy in a fight) and his threat was "I have done it before and I can do it again." He pulled rifles on me twice and knives several times.

If you haven't lived in a situation like that, you really have no understanding of the fear that keeps you locked into that situation. Fear of going to sleep at night because you are afraid you will be killed in your sleep. Fear of being late coming home from the grocery store because you are accused of sleeping with someone and usually get beat up for being late, etc. The list goes on and on.

Don't blame the women, offer them help and support. The abusers isolate them first thing, chase off all their friends and family, they have no one to talk to, no support at all, are totally alone.

Sorry this is so long, but this actually only covers the tip of the iceberg too.

If I may..........it isn't a matter of blame as I said, but responsibility.

The abuser has their own issues as well, if we're going to call the one's who stay victims, then the abuser is a victim too. They have their own fears, insecurities, rage, and abuse that causes them to behave as they do.

They are just as tormented as those they torment.......that is where it comes from.

I am not saying I feel sorry for them, or that I condone the behavior, simply that instead of judging these people as heartless and cruel, and casting them outside of the fringes humanity isn't fair and isn't going to help.

Most abusers were first abused. It is a vicious cycle in EVERY sense of the word.

IMO, people do well when they can. If you are not mindful of what goes on in ur head and life.....u will only react, and reactions are usually programmed by previous experience.

That is why a lot of things are in the state that they are...........people not living their lives, but rather reacting to life.

But again, what do I know?

This is one smart chickadee. Folks would do well to listen to her.

Well Mirror, it's a self esteem issue unfortunatly, they think it's the best they can get. The abuser makes them feel that they "deserve" it in some way, they they made the abuser do it, or that the abuse isn't the abusers fault. Most women who are abused are not like the ones you see in the movies, low income, no education, actually most of the women are of a higher socioeconomic group, and have post high school educations.

Alot stay in a marriage for the children, thinking that it provided better for them, when in actuality it breeds children with low self esteem and poor social skills.

All major metropolitan areas have a Battered Women's shelter. I would be happy to find #'s for anyone who may need them.

Also, you can donate all of your old cell phones with or without the chargers to this organization as it will always dial 911 without service.

They always need donations and most people tend to give around the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays, when in fact they need all year long, along with food they need toiletries, and around back to school season they need school supplies, most stores run those penny sales and such, pick some extra stuff up and donate it to them. Clothes and blankets are always welcome also.

(Sorry my advertisement is over now)

That is true Lily, TODAY all major metro areas have shelters, but back in the 70s, they were few and far between. I would have had to travel about 250 miles to get to a shelter and with him controlling the money and car, there was no way possible.

Luckily, things are better today. Laws have changed too.

He called the police himself when he pulled the shotgun on me in 1976 and told them he was going to kill me. They came to the house, about an hour later (had to wait for the county as we lived outside the city limits and in those days the city police could not respond to calls outside the city limits - lived 1 mile from the center of town) - anyways, they came to the house and took the gun but left him. The laws then would not allow them to arrest him. Luckily, the laws are now different and women are more protected and the attacker will be arrested.

In Ohio when there is a domestic violence call SOMEONE goes to jail that night. If you live together or have a child together. However at times when the police have gotten there the woman has been arrested for being the out of control one, either way both parties are safe for the night at least. It has come along way, but it is getting better...

I'm glad you got out of that situation. I am currently working with a woman who all of her children are adults now, but she has her elderly mother in the house with him, and it's a nightmare. I've known her for 4 years now, and it's the same thing over and over again. She can't afford to put her mother in a care facility so it's the only place she can keep her... It's horrible what she endures...

Addiction....

Familiar habits....usually an historical connection..similar patterns of behaviors from childhood.

Low self esteem.