I'm going to try this out... I am struggling with a few things and I'm extremely uncomfortable now, even though you are all complete strangers who are hardly connected to my life. Even now, its hard to admit.

The 4th week in may is one I dread. May 22... an "anniversary", for lack of better words. When I was 17, I was raped by a 29 yr old. I had been a virgin. This is hard enough to deal with, and its taken a lot of time to get where I am now. It took me about 6 months to tell a single soul... and then I grew stronger to confide in a handful of my closest dearest friends. As I grow older, the nightmares are less frequent. I am 20 years old. I have not been an adult for long, but I have become at least comfortable and responsible enough to confide in the men I have serious relationships with, because it affects my relationships as well, though I try hard to not let it.

I am with a very kind and intelligent young man now. He is 5 years my senior, and my rock. I shared with him my secret early in our relationship, and he took me under his wing. Now, almost a year later... its the first time he experiences may 22 with me. He and I have come a long way, and I am already proud at how far I've come... but I think he is getting sick of dealing with me and my nightmares, my come-n-go timidness, and so on and so forth. Like at first he was supportive, and now hes over it, and expects me to be too.

But I have a secret, just as painful as my original secret. It happened twice. A young man I dated, became one of my closest friends. We confided much in each other, and he was the first person I told. Ironically... a few months later.. he repeated the act. It wasnt violent or brutal. But he knew Id be too scared to do anything, and he took advantage. That is my secret. And its not just the first that hurts me, but the second as well.

I wish he knew.
No replies are necessary. I just had to practice..

I know you said no replies needed, but just sending hugs and admiration for your strength.

I'm so sorry for what you've had to go through starry. If there's anything I can do to help, feel free to let me know.

i would beat thos two guys up if they mess with you again and ur boyfriend should be support for ever not just for some time and he should know that!!!

your friend should not of got your confident and then betrayed you i would beat his but til he couldnt speak or hurt another women again!!!

Have you considered seeing a doctor about your PTSD?

Well i do wish the best of you and its normal. It takes time to deal with things like that since its not an easy thing to do, but ill send some strength your way and good luck with everything. If you need anyone to talk to, i know i don't know you and you don't know me but i have been told by many people that i am a good listener and i have help many people out. Just wanted to tell you that there are people who are willing to help you out if you just need someone to talk to!

I really appreciate all your support. Thank you so very very much

Damn girl,sorry I had to reply.For one I have to applaud you for being so courageous and brave for sharing your ordeal.I myself have been through the same thing.I was sexually molested when I was 9 again when I was 14 and raped by my first and second boyfriend,so I know how your feeling.If you ever need anyone to talk to about it,feel free to send me a message.The best way to heal I've found is to talk about it as much as you can,even though it may be hard it does help.As far as your boyfriend goes,I would tell him about the other incident,I'm sure he'll be supportive of you and not judgemental,it's always best to communicate with your significant other.For you to be able to post this is a good sign that your starting to heal,but I also feel that you may need someone close to you to talk to some more about it.Like I said I'm a good listener and have been through the same,so if you want to talk,feel free.

We just wanted to tell you we are all here for you no matter what!

Starry, it sounds like maybe you need to talk to someone - your doctor or a counselor. There are all kinds of great support systems available for this type of experience. They can help you with the range of emotions you must be feeling. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and I admire the courage it took for you to post your story here. You do not need to go through this alone!!

I've been really scatterbrained... I keep meaning to put away the leftovers... but theres still a huge pot of spirally spaghetti on the stove... I suppose just in case jon will want some when he gets home from work...

I changed into PJs and im playing mario kart on my wii. (if anyone has a wii and internet and wants to play, email me.. lol)

But I feel better now that ive noticed that my boyfriend filled our freezer with (literally) every ben & jerrys icecream flavor... all the little cartons! and I also just noticed the stock of chocolate in the cupboard. Atta boy.. he's covering all his bases.

Ill eat my blues away in creme brule ben & jerrys... the two men who have never let me down


*edit: I hide my emotions with humor. It only works some of the time.

mmmmmmmmmmm ben a jerry's if u want i can come eat your blues with you

go for it... lord knows I have enough. creme brule, cookie dough.. one bite cheesecake.. i was eating the steve cobert ice cream earlier. tasty.

yummmmmmmmmmmmmmy i want some now, ill be here in 12 hours hahahahaha

lol!
So... many... calories.... I... dont..care...

it will be ok take it one day at a time and you will do fine!!! take karate or some sself defense classes so you can kick that guys butt next itme

I really think you need to talk to someone professional to get help with this also. There are women's groups out there that deal with just these issues and there is a lot of power and strength in a group. I have been in several women's group over different issues and met incredible women who went through similar issues and I felt so much better after going. I really wish you would look into it. I made incredible friends through these groups too. It gives you a safe place to get out your feelings and feel your feelings so you don't have to worry about hiding them anymore.

I also think you need to tell your boyfriend about the 2nd episode too, just to clear the air so you don't feel guilty about hiding a secret from him. He may suspect something is wrong and that is why he is acting different, I think you said he was acting a little off. Couples counseling could even help.

Pastors in churches offer counseling for free if you don't have insurance. Doctors can provide some of this during office visits. A lot of the women's groups I talked about are cheap or free. I really hope you look into the counseling, I truly do believe it will help you feel better about yourself and help you grow in your relationship.

Take care and thanks for sharing. That took a lot of strength.

Starry, you can talk as long as you want whenever you want to us here, and we'll listen. But as others have said, it would probably be a good idea to see a professional. Take care.