Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.







Only in America.....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.






Only in America.....do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.






Only in America.....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.






Only in America ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.








Only in America.....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.








EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens
Our skin?








Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?








Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?








Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?








Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?








Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?








Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?








Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?








Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?








Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?






Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?








You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!








Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?









Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?








If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?








If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?









Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.

Heres one for you!


Sneaking In
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!":

congratulations, you have been selected to complete,





Norman's Dating Application.

"All rules will apply, please read carefully"






Warning: If you complete this form it could be used against are for you in future love making.




First Name:________________________________ Last Name:_____________________________



Address:__________________________________ Phone Number:_________________________



Age:_____

(please attach copy of birth certificate to application)



Weight:_____ Height:_____

(not what you put on your driver’s license)





1). How many times a week do you bathe/shower?



___ None (afraid of being sucked down the drain)



___ 1-3 (when flies mistake me for a pile of ****)



___ 4-6 (high hopes of getting intimate with someone)



___ 7 or more (have every brand of shower gel on the market and not enough days in a week to try them all)





2). Do you leave brown stripes in your underwear?



___ Yes, I believe in conserving toilet paper.



___ No, I don’t wear underwear.





3). How often do you wash your bedding?



___ Daily (must be a nympho)



___ Once a week (at the carwash)



___ Yearly (when I get my tax refund)



___ Never (haven’t brought a date home in years)





4). What are your shopping habits?



___ I prefer shopping at garage sales. (leaves more money to buy my booze with)



___ I prefer shopping at discount stores. (can buy ten times more junk food for less)



___ I prefer shopping at the mall. (great place to check out cute butts)



___ I prefer to shop at all the finer stores (until all the credit cards are maxed out)



___ I don’t pay for anything, I just take it.





5). You are sitting in your recliner watching television and sneeze a juicy one, what do you do?



___ Wipe my nose on my sleeve then give someone a great big hug.



___ Wipe my nose with the remote.



___ Yell for someone to bring me a tissue, then hide/stuff it down the chair when I’m done with it.





6). You are cuddling with your sweetheart in bed and feel gas pressure building, what do you do?



___ Excuse myself and make a mad dash to the bathroom.



___ Let it blow and brag about how I made the windows shake.



___ Blast the stink bomb then toss the covers over both our heads so we can enjoy the juicy aroma.



___ Let it leak out silently and blame it on the dog.



7). The toilet breaks and needs repaired, what do you do?



___ Get the duct tape out and fix it myself.



___ Wait and see if it will miraculously fix itself.



___ Hire someone to fix it.



___ Choose to do nothing and use the gas station’s restroom for the rest of the year.





8.) How do you feel about washing dishes?



___ Love playing in bubbles and beg for people to dirty more dishes.



___ Only when company is coming.



___ Out of the question, I might break a nail.



___ I’m allergic to dish soap.



___ I consider dirty dishes to be a work of art and stack them all over the house/apt. as decorations.





9). How do you feel about mowing the lawn and misc. yard work?



___ Can’t wait to get the rider out so I can chase the neighbor’s cat around the yard.



___ Hire a lawn care company.



___ Just set it on fire once a year.



___ Do nothing at all, I enjoy living in a jungle.





10). Your dog accidentally takes a dump inside, what do you do?



___ Wait a couple days, wrap it up and toss it into the lost & found box at work.



___ Call my mom and have her come clean it up.



___ Ignore it and hope it will go away.



___ Call 911 and tell them I have an emergency.





11). Which best describes your cooking?



___ I must be an excellent cook because everyone I know eats at my house.



___ I burn everything and the dog refuses to eat it.



___ I have all the delivery places on speed dial.



___ I don’t cook, I have my own personal chef.





12). You are driving down the highway and notice your ex’s car pulled over with a flat tire,

what do you do?



___ Pull over and grab my old cd player out of the car while they are changing the flat.



___ Drive by and act like I don’t see them.



___ Blow the horn and yell out the window “It sucks to be you”.









I hereby attest and verify that the information I have provided in this application is absolutely false and misrepresented. I understand that any

honest or true answers could lead to me spending the rest of my life alone.





Signature:______________________________ Date:_________________________