Every Single Day


Today
somehow
feels like everyday
which seems to feel
like every other day

Not sure
if I was expecting
something different
maybe sunshine
or even rain
just something different
to ease the same

I woke up
to winter
then summer arrived
and in between the two
was spring
and fall
and another moment
without a surprise

It's not that I'm bored
but
well
ok
maybe I am
because the days
come and go
and there's nothing
to do
but live
another today

What It Feels Like

Alone
in my thoughts
arguing
with the fire's
temptation
as curiosity
slowly numbs
my ability
to discern

Flames
rising
like emotions
should I
shouldn't I
I know
I shouldn't
because I'll burn

But
the want
the desire
for its escape
has grasped
my soul
like an addictive yearn

So I close
my eyes
the warmth
is so inviting
that I stop doubting
the reality
that it could be more
than just this
one turn

I had to
the rage
persuaded my soul
like the devil's invitation
to hell
and now
I know
there is no return

And I pray
I pray
to find a way
to forgive
myself
for having to live
this lesson
I've learned

Thanks for the offer but I'm fine. It's just a poem and not a reflection of my personal well being.

Suffering Alive

Life
for me
seems to be never ending waves
of complications
like an ocean
that refuses to flow easily

It feels
as if I'm drowning
while drifting
without anything of normalcy
to keep me afloat

I want to die
now
right now
because it would be easier
than waiting
for tomorrow's moment
to take me from me
once again

I imagine
the darkness
each time
time's hands
pull me under
and I feel whole
because it is only then
when I'm suffering alive
that death feels closer

And it is beautiful

Good Enough


Blurred lines
unable
to escape
my mind
thoughts run
to and fro
I wish
I were able
to let go
screams
internal
as I author
my journal
poetry
that's what
the words are called
but to me
they're the life
I've mauled
each sentence
feels
as if I've lived
a life's sentence
yet
I'm still here
crying
living
in fear
of being
the very person
I never wanted to be
I am forever
me
someone
who will never be
good enough

These words are a reflection of my daughter's situation. Wish I could heal her pain but in the end that's how she will grow.

Now
is the greatest distance
you must travel
to reach
tomorrow

Now
is the greatest obstacle
you must overcome
to be who want to be
tomorrow

Now
is not the time
to wonder why
you must challenge yourself
to find yourself
tomorrow

Now
is the moment
you must fight
now is the time
you must seek

Now
and only now
will you have a moment
to both look towards the past to learn
and to tomorrow
to see what now
will allow you to be

Holding the Wind

It is often said
that life
is but the air that comes
and goes
with the passage of time

If this is true
then I'll hold my breath
so that maybe
I'll be able
to hold onto forever

I'll fill my lungs
with dreams thought too heavy carry
and possibilities so light
they could fly away

I'll hold the wind
so tightly
because I know
that all we have
is the dare
to soar
while being grounded
by our imagination

Within the Broken Heart


The vast expanse
of darkness
feeds my soul
devouring dreams
like midnight to light
I am quiet
in this hopelessness
as searching is futile
for there is nothing
but the vast expanse
of loneliness
called
my soul's shelter

Goodbye


I close my eyes
to hold back
the tears I know I will cry
when it is time
for us
to say . . .

I can't
say the word
and honestly
I never want to try
because we've not had enough time
together
to end beautiful
with the word . . .

And yes
this is wrong
we are living in a love
that is a lie
so I know
home is a different shade of who
we are now
me with her
you with him
so we have to say . . .

I wish
this was different
that these stolen moments
where lasting moments
for you and I
because my heart is so heavy
simply thinking about
you saying
even whispering
you must go
though I know
it is time
for us to say . . .

US

We cannot
undo time
so what's here
now
between us
is us

For better
or worse
imperfect
and afraid
is us

We've all heard
the whispers
of possibilities
and yet
we neglect to have
the uncomfortable conversation
about us

We cannot
undo time
we cannot
change
or rewrite history
we cannot
forgive
even if there was an apology
because
it wasn't you
who created us

We cannot
undo time
but we can
change
and rewrite tomorrow
we can be
the ones who
define us

You know I didn't think about that until you mentioned it.

One day it will happen

The Forest and the Rain

Walking
through the forest
in the rain
waiting
for the next moment
of who we are
a sliver of light
in the midst of shadows
or simply . . .

Walking
through the forest
in the rain
drowning
in the life time of memories
we shared
from not wanting to breathe
without love's shelter
to the leaves falling
littering our path
with puddles
of missteps

Listening
to each drop
strike our souls
as if they were thunderous words
that were no longer words
but the sound
of uncertainty
as time
renders us quiet
as there is nothing else to say

Walking
through the forest
in the rain
cold
soaked
and so full of doubt
I don’t want to keep moving
but stopping
ends any hope
of tomorrow's chance
to never cry again

Lost

I pour a dram
of exquisite elegance
12 year
amber hued
single malt
sherry cask finished
with hints
of orange
spices
and just enough smoke
to enhance
the torpedo cut
tightly wrapped
cigar
life's accoutrements

And as
the night falls
the smokey haze rises
while
Gillespie
Monk
Coltrane
and Shorter
infuse the evening's warmth
with cool

One inch of ash
lingers
as if it was sighing
in relief
to time finally standing still
I pour another dram
and smile
as I find myself
lost
in this moment

The Blues

Loving you
is like
loving a whisper
faint
soft
barely heard
always with me
though
you're barely here

Loving you
is like
loving a conversation
one that I have
when I'm alone
thinking
about you
missing
you
it is all that I have
of you

Loving you
is like
loving a song
that's played
every now and then
beautiful
when you hear
but you're left
only with thinking about it
I guess
that's why
they call it the blues

Wanting to be Heard

The deafening sound
of silence
rips apart my soul
like an angry lover
wanting to be heard

Loud
without so much of a whisper
torturous
as if it were begging me
to listen
so I abide by its thunderous demands
and allow the pen to fall
and I notice
that as it lands
it begins to grasp each word
spoken

And with the rage
of poetic rhythm
my hands devour my thoughts
as each stroke
defines
my soul's vision

I write
and write
until the canvass
upon which the words reside
is no longer silent
and the shimmering lights of heaven
shine
as bright
against midnight's hue
as hope
against the world's chaotic darkness

Nine Pills

Nine months
still
pain so unreal
yet
it is all
I feel
as I count
nine pills
one for each month
I loved you

Nine months
waiting
each day
anticipating
when I
would hear you cry
and now
I
wish I could die
to be with you

Nine months
preparing
for morning
not for mourning
it's tearing me
apart
the absence of your heart’s beat
my heart’s beat
our family
drifted away with you

Nine months
still
pain so unreal
yet
it is all
I feel
as I count
nine pills
one for each month
I loved you

Lasting Words

Left our last breath
somewhere within the night before
so good morning heartache
I welcome you

Finding myself alone
in the midst of the world's ado
somehow
the sounds are as strange as missing you

I wish my words
were simply silent thoughts
kept angrily on my lips
but I allowed bourbon
to speak my mind
though my heart begged what was left of my sober thoughts
to not act so rash

And now I wonder
if
and if so
when
will we ever talk again