You're amongst them. Welcome.

Welcome

Lol Id say don't bet on it.. But it's worth a shot I suppose.. One thing I took away from this experience is not to make time for people who don't make time for you. If it doesn't feel mutual, ask. And if it's not is are good you should just roll on. Life is full of opportunities, take them head on no hesitation.

Calamari? Oh yeah!

Have you ever been bungee jumping?

Thank you guys so much. I still feel rather sad it ended like that. I guess you're right, I'm unable to shut off the "switch". I'm still hopeful there's someone out there though. Thanks for all your help and advice!

update: She's actually trying to move back to Oklahoma and I'm supporting it. Out of sight out of mind type deal.

Well we talked it out. We agreed to be friends. If something prevalent should occur over the span of a couple years or whatever, there's a possibility we could reconcile. She asked should we still have sex, I said no it muddies the water. So we agreed to take a hiatus in seeing each other for the time being. Been a week now that we haven't physically seen each other, and to be completely honest, I'm beginning to feel that cloud of uncertainty lift off my shoulders. Thanks guys for all of your help and advice. I feel good about how the situation was handled. I'm going to look forward to focusing on work and school, and eventually jumping back into the pool and finding "fishies" lol. Thanks everybody!

Wow. Sounds like my situation could be a lot worse. Sorry you had to go through that bro. Well I did some research on her disorder and it states the following:

TREATMENT SYNOPSIS
Individuals with this disorder appear to be having a developmental delay in passing through the emotionally turbulent phase of adolescence. Thus, in their twenties, they may have the emotional maturity of a young teenager. Like many young teenagers, even adults with this disorder have highly changeable moods, intense anger and impulsiveness. Self harm and repeated suicide attempts are seen in the more severely ill. Between 8-10% of these individuals die due to suicide. Like a young teenager, their self-identity is unstable (with their life lacking meaning and purpose), and likewise their social relationships are unstable. They overreact to stress and go from crisis to crisis. Individuals with this disorder usually suffer from 2 or more psychiatric disorders. Thus, 2 years after therapy, even though two-thirds achieve diagnostic remission and significant increases in quality of life, 53% are neither employed nor in school, and 39% are still receiving psychiatric disability financial support. Effective Therapies: A number of psychological treatments are partially effective, but all lack robust evidence of their effectiveness. Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) has the most research support. Fortunately, after 10 years, half of these individuals appear to grow out of this disorder. Ineffective Therapies: Medication is ineffective against the core symptoms of this disorder.
Diagnostic Features:

Emotionally Unstable (Borderline) Personality Disorder is a condition characterized by impulsive actions, rapidly shifting moods, and chaotic relationships. The individual usually goes from one emotional crisis to another. Often there is dependency, separation anxiety, unstable self-image, chronic feelings of emptiness, and threats of self-harm (suicide or self-mutilation). This disorder is only diagnosed when these behaviors become persistent and very disabling/distressing.

Prevalence:

The prevalence of Emotionally Unstable (Borderline) Personality Disorder is about 2% of the general population. It is seen in 10% of psychiatric outpatients, and 20% of psychiatric inpatients. This disorder is more frequent in females (about 75%) than males. Emotional instability and impulsivity are very common in adolescents, but most adolescents grow out of this behavior. Unfortunately, for some, this emotional instability and impulsivity persists and intensifies into adulthood; thus they become diagnosed with this disorder.

Course:

The course of this disorder is quite variable. The most common pattern is one of chronic instability in early adulthood. This disorder is usually worse in the young-adult years and it gradually decreases with age. During their 30s and 40s, the majority of individuals with this disorder attain greater stability in their relationships and vocational functioning. After about 10 years, about half of individuals with this disorder no longer meet the full criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder.

Familial Pattern:

This disorder is about 5 times more common among first-degree biological relatives of those with the disorder than in the general population. There is also an increased familial risk for Substance-Related Disorders, Antisocial Personality Disorder, and Mood Disorders.

Complications:

Completed suicide occurs in 8%-10% of individuals with this disorder, and self-mutilative acts (e.g., cutting or burning) and suicide threats and attempts are very common. Recurrent job losses, interrupted education, and broken marriages are common.

Comorbidity:

Very stressful or chaotic childhoods are commonly reported (e.g., physical and sexual abuse, neglect, hostile conflict, and early parental loss or separation). Mood disorders, Substance-Related Disorders, Eating Disorders (usually Bulimia), Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, and other Personality Disorders frequently co-occur with this disorder.

Associated Laboratory Findings:

No laboratory test has been found to be diagnostic of this disorder.

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In short she's severely damaged. I probably haven't been helping the way I should be. It seems as though we're at a crossroads. I'm going to talk to her tonight about just being friends.

Because I didn't "simply hang around her house all weekend". I was invited and it was a nice weekend. To me if a grown woman pays her rent, regardless of where she is living and supports her child, takes responsible action and gets on birth control, I would say having sex is not a big deal under a house where her parents live. It's an arrangement for them to all save money. And that's what it is. We did the respectable thing and waited until they were gone. Are we expected to migrate to the woods for intercourse? Or dish out $50 at the local sleazeball motel? She lives a good 40 minutes away from my house. Surely we can't be expected to travel nearly an hour and a half to have sex? You seem to be a very contentious person. Me and Heather talked about it after she had a chance to be around her mom. (Post sex) She seen her mom was upset about it and the grass needed cut so I volunteered. And quite the contrary, her mom loves me. We like the same types of movies, music, yada yada. We can converse on a good level. So yes, it is the opposite of your previous statement.

The opposite. We had a nice weekend. She lives with her mother and they were away at work. Her mother returned from work and overheard us having sex. Heathers 26 so I didn't understand why it was a big deal. But I mowed the lawn and cleaned the house to appease the mom. Afterall parents' opinions are important to women.

unsure: I told her I loved her outside the bedroom. She said it during sex. Twice. Once during and once after.

kic: Thats the thing. No she hasnt been clear. Shes wishy washy. She wants to date then she doesn't, back and forth. Thats what has my head spinning.

memoiro: I have a different philosophy than that guy apparently. I love her therefore I couldn't cut out on her simply because she's suffering from some connection issue. I've seen and heard about some of the things her ex's have done to her. When I care about somebody I make it my duty to be there regardless of circumstances.

newbiechick: You're probably right. I see the pattern. Many of my ex's were quote "damaged goods" unquote. Maybe you're onto something. I've yet to find a girl who has everything together. But then again, do any of us really have it all together?

mirage/dododavid: I'm simply stating my definition of a "good" guy is someone with a conscious. Someone who isn't going to cheat, abuse or neglect his woman.

teadipper: Yup, fully aware of that situation. I've been on that side of the coin a time or two. She has told me she has too much on her plate to start dating. My question is always, but isnt that what we're doing without the label? I mean, we sleep together. In both definitions of the term. She wants to cuddle, hug, kiss, whisper sweet nothings, then run off the next day and not call me for 2-3 days. Im unable to detach myself from that type of behavior in the bedroom. If its just sex, thats cool. Hug and cuddle for a few minutes then roll over. What makes it hard for me is she holds me like I'm her saving grace at night. She wants our bodies formed as one. Don't mean to go all poetic but I can't explain it any better. She treats me like a tossaway boyfriend, then like a real boyfriend. After reading up on borderline personality disorder I can see a little more into her psyche. Now I have to consider whether it is worth the effort.

pretty much what mirage said. i sometimes put off a "thug" appearance because of my tattoos, but honestly ive been through some things id rather not talk about in an open forum, and it makes me appreciate life more.

thanks for all the advice mort! im enjoying my time here already.

wow i love this site already..

ride.. you're right, i dont feel like i have that coldness in me. everytime I try to turn off the old emotion switch, something happens. like today she called and said she has a stomach bug, immediately i want to comfort her.

motown.. LOTS of baggage. but in that sense I've found myself to be incredibly strong. I once dated a girl with five kids. wasn't easy. her jealousy issues eventually cracked us up though.

sweetestgirl.. awesome idea. maybe i could do that. although its kind of her moms land and I couldnt do that to her mom. shes a sweet lady.

queen_bee.. maybe. id say most likely not because she tells me she has too much going on for a relationship. then she gets jealous when i say things like "well i suppose i should leave my options open and look for opportunities elsewhere". because honestly i want a real woman in my life whos going to want and give support.

jeannie.. thanks for the compliment. the bedroom really is where we click best. and believe me, i KNOW i'm good in the bedroom. i'm a people pleaser at heart, and it echoes loudly in the bedroom.

i just dont know how to handle the situation. im not at the point where i want to give up, but i am. does that make sense?

she told me the guy killed himself because he asked her to marry him and she moved back to virginia. (he lived in oklahoma) shes crushed by this and i think it may be the key to why shes so emotionally screwballed.

It sounds to me like you're trying too hard for a girl who is just not that into you. Remember, not all women are alike, so this doesn't have anything to do with other women. It has to do with the specific woman you're talking about. My suggestion is to stop trying so hard. If she's not into you, move on and find someone else who is.


Good advice. I'm still baffled by the late night "miss you" calls. Shes on and off again.

I like that. You're probably right. Although the "other guy" thing doesn't stand true. Her ex beat her and currently has her kid (whom they share joint custody over) and is keeping her from her mother. It is a tough situation, and what I meant when I said I offered assistance. I don't think it's a role play thing because she brought it up after sex.

Also we met 10 years ago. Maybe it's moving a little fast IDK. But I think I will try backpedaling a little and see what it gets me. I think she's mostly afraid of a relationship because the three guys she has dated consist of two crazy people who beat her and used her and one guy who blew his brains out. She's a mess. I feel more sympathetic than ever. I just don't know wether I can completely back out as a lover and remain a friend. I suppose I could give it a try.

hey!!! I'm not!

"Pinocchio voice": I'm a Reeaall boy

I haven't been here long but it seems like there's a lot of friendly people in the forums. Just float around and check some threads out. Good luck!

im good, thanks. and you? liking the site so far.

hi lynn

thanks win

Haha. I'm not really into that kind of thing. She seems to be though.


Anyway soufie, I guess you could be right. I've been getting that feeling lately. Side note: She did say she has a Borderline Personality Disorder. Haven't really read up on it but I think that may be a good idea.

Its just really weird. She'll go a day or two not talking to me, then she calls late at night talking in a soft baby voice. You know, that cooing "I miss you" voice, then the next day she's back in "*****-mode". My head is spinning thinking about it, I really do like the girl. I hate to admit it but I think I've fallen for her. Why can't life be as simple as it was in black and white movies? You meet a girl, you court her. Meet the parents, ask for her hand and you live a long life together.

The world has changed for the worse I'm afraid.

So I've been talking to this girl named Heather, she's been damaged from past relationships. Well for a month now we've been "friends with benefits". There was a brief time (a few days) where she was OK with dating. Then out of the blue she said she didn't want to date anymore, But she wanted to keep sleeping with me. I stayed over at her house all last weekend, mowed the lawn, did housework etc. etc. We haven't seen each other all week because I had to go job hunting so I went home. Now the weekends here and shes avoiding me.

I've done every classic "romantic" thing I can think of but to no avail. She continues to astound me. Oh yeah, she happened to say she loved me twice. But does it count if its during sex? Anyway, I was just wondering. I'm a really nice guy. I always listen to others problems in a relationship/courting and I am sympathetic, offering opinions and assistance if needed. But in the end it always ends the same. Are women allergic to the good guys or is it just me?

Used to be a huge believer, But as of late I've seen some really cold people getting handed good things in life. Now I find myself wondering if its all just some societal propaganda for the less fortunate to use as an elevation tool. Perhaps its real and allows you to build up before crushing you for all the damage caused. So yeah, I'm a little weary of it now-a-days.

Looking to make friends.