Scientists have finally discovered the true function of the little toe on humans...


It is to check that all the furniture in your house is in the correct position

Paddy and his wife are being kept awake night after night because their neighbours were leaving their dog in the back yard and it wouldn't stop barking.
Mid way through the 6th night Paddy leapt out of bed shouting "Right that's it. I've had enough. I'm going to sort that dog out"

5 minutes later he came back and his wife asked "what have you done Paddy?"

He replied "I've put it in our yard - see how they bloody like it!"

ooh matron!

I'm not very happy because I have to work at the museum tonight, moving suits of armour.



I hate knight shifts!

‍

A man received a text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology and I promise that it won't ever happen again.

Bob was in complete shock and didn't know what to do....

A few moments later a second text came in:

Damn spell check! I meant "wi-fi"

a genie granted me one wish, so I said "I just want to be happy."


I'm now living in a cottage with 6 dwarves and working in a mine.....

I almost had a threesome last night.

All I was missing was 2 other people!

I just spent £20 on a new belt and it doesn't fit me.

What a huge waist

I went to a cake shop where all the cakes were priced at £5 each apart from one, which was priced at £8.
I asked the shop keeper why that particular one is more expensive.
She replied "That's Madeira cake"

I'm not necessarily saying that my lack of luck on this site is because I'm so damned ugly, but the last time someone wanted me for my body I was filling out an organ donor card.

Vinyl records and cassette tapes had an A & B side.

So it is only logical that their successor would be the CD.

Doctors say that 4 out of 5 men in their 70s suffer from diarrhea.

Does that mean the other one enjoys it?

The Self Depreciation society is advertising for new members.

I've already put myself down.

I was in the supermarket and a huge stack of toilet rolls fell on me.
I'm ok though. I only suffered soft tissue damage.

Bill, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.
"What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"I had a terrible day" replied Bill.
"I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep.
When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.
Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection.
So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see" said his wife, "that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?"
Bill replied: "Wrong room."

I got the sack from my job at the calendar printers.

Just because I took a couple of days off...