Any woman who looks 20 years younger than her true age and is totally mute.

Spank....briskly!

No...but I'm hoping maybe this week.

"If you're asking me than you already know the answer. Now put down the bag of Oreos and try doing a couple of sit-ups ya fatty!"

Bang him or her.

It's my freaking ex wife

I would.

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! 'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.'

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just one wish – each person is only allowed one!'

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!' A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.

Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'

'Tell me about it!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist'?

A handfull of sleeping pills and a tall glass of vodka.

The one that always works for me is:
"Pardon me, but do you work for UPS?" "Because I think I saw you checking out my package!"

My wife and I were happy for thirty years.....and then we met!

What do you expect? It's a free site!

Don't look to others to make you happy..true happiness comes from within.

Only partially bloody.

Go the 99 cent store and find out