Success doesn't come to you – you go to it.
-- Marva Collins




I will try and post a new one each day. I hope that it helps with starting a new day!!!

I would be a Director of A Woman's Battered Shelter

Ya I do when it comes to bill collectors. I tell them that I'm her Aunt and she uses my number. They just tell me to relay a message to her I mean me It works every time!!!

I have 2 full creamers and 1/2 one. I picked up another one at the grocery store and I forgot I had one in the cabinet. Hell I drink coffee at 1:00am it doesn't effect me one bit on sleep just makes me pee a lot

I hope you feel better soon Danette_Giavanna!! It's going around in my state too and I hope it don't come my way. I just got over the flu a week ago and then had a sinis infection following it.

The same I did all day play on the internet....have no family here so I spent it lonely.

My Private Part Died Today

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of
his life in a
nursing home. One day he appeared to be very
sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace, "My
Private Part died today,
and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and
sometimes a little crazy,
she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace,
please accept my
condolences."

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down
the hall with his
Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he
met Nurse Tracy.

Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be
walking down the hall like
that. Please put your Private Part back inside
your pajamas."

But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Wallace, " I
told you yesterday that
my Private Part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it
hanging out of your
pajamas?"

(You gotta love this .)



Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."

Verily I say unto ye.......... Money It can buy
a house But not a home It
>can buy a clock But not time It can buy you a
position But not respect It
>can buy you a bed But not sleep It can buy you a
book But not knowledge It
>can buy you medicine But not health It can buy
you blood But not life So
>you see money isn't everything And it often
causes pain and suffering I
>tell you this because I am your friend And as
your friend I want to take
>away your pain and suffering!! So Send me all
your money And I will suffer
>for you! Cash only, please! After all, what are
friends for, huh?? I HOPE
>THIS MADE YOU SMILE!!! LAUGHTER IS THE BEST
MEDICINE! MONEY CAN'T BUY GOOFY
>E-MAILS, EITHER!! They come from your crazy
friends!

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?"

The mother answered: "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made."

Two days later she asks her father the same question. The father answered: "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."

The confused girl returns to her mother and says: "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says we developed from monkeys?"

The mother answers: "Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME, WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
G.E. WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE,

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS...............................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!

How To Speak Southern
Hah Tu Spek Suthun)
=======================

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts."

IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - noun. A tool.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

BAWSE - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bawse is gonna far you!"

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ.

HOD - adverb. Not easy.
Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."

LOT - adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."

FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"

BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

SEED - verb, past tense.

VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"

HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"

GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asked her, "What are you up to?"

Alice smiled. "I'm going hunting with you!"

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along. Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."

Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant, much less a deer. Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled as he heard an array of gunshots.

Quickly, Jake ran back. As Jake got closer to her stand, he heard Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!"

Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screaming wife. And again he heard her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake was surprised to see a guy standing there with his hands high in the air. The guy, obviously distraught, said, "Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!"

If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT:

When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY:

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS:

A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS:

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS:

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE:

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS:

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE:

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP:

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL:

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING:

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

Any married man should forget his mistakes.

There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Idiot #1

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology
at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.

I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there
would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.

I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away.

Idiot #2

Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield
decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they were surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Idiot #3

A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a
downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller
window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.

She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he
wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. He was arrested few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Idiot #4

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture of handcuffs.

Idiot #5

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and
demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, "I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him.

At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

Idiot #6

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously
waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

Idiot #7

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He
decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.

The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."

The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.

The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,

"How are you doing? Are you happy here?"

The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"

Bra Sizes (as defined by bikers!)

Did you ever wonder why A, B, C, D, E, & F are used to define bra sizes?

A - Almost boobs
B - Barely there
C - Can do
D - Darn good
E - Enormous
F - Fake

You Might Be a Diehard Harley Rider, if:

#1: You call your bike your woman
#2: You treat it like it was your daughter
#3: You wash and polish it until it shines like a mirror
#4: You ride it more often than your wife (Hey, it can happen)
#5: You take it out to eat more than your wife
#6: You race against another bike and he loses
#7: You rev up your engine late at night and the neighbors start yelling
#8: You out ran the police
#9: You ride in a rally and everyone compliments you about how good you and your bike looks
#10: You watch bike shows on TV while relaxing in your armchair, drinking beer and buying Harley gear off the infomercials and off the internet.

1. Each player should furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.



2. Play on the course should be approved by the owner of the hole.



3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.



4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play.



5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.



6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.



7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed bunkers.



8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.



9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.



10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.



11. Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.



12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.



13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.



14. Slow play is encouraged. However players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily at the course owners request.



15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

Reasons Why Harleys Are Better Than Men

A Harley can go for more than one ride in an hour.

Harleys never develop spare tires.

Harleys last longer.

Harleys don't get you pregnant.

A Harley doesn't care what time of month it is.

Harleys don't have parents.

Your Harley will let you know if something is wrong.

Your Harley won't judge your friends.

If your Harley is boisterous, you can buy a muffler.

You won't have to put your Harley through grad school.

If your Harley smokes you can do something about it.

Harleys don't care about how many other Harleys you have ridden.

When riding, you and your Harley both arrive at the same time.

One Harley will satisfy you every time.

Your Harley won't ogle other Harleys.

Your Harley won't care if you have a poster of your fantasy Harley.

If your Harley has high mileage, you can just get a new one.

Harleys don't care about breast size.

If your Harley is too soft you can get new shocks.

If your Harley is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.

You don't have to drink beer before your Harley looks appealing.

You can be proud of your Harley regardless of the model.

You don't have to go to Tiffany's to register your Harley.

Your Harley won't beat you or try to make you feel inferior.

You can ride a Harley as long as you want and it won't get limp.

Your parents won't keep in touch with your old Harley after you dump it.

Harleys always feel like going for a ride when you do.

Harleys don't insult you if you are a novice.

Your Harley never wants a night out alone with the other Harleys.

Harleys don't make you late.

You don't have to primp before riding your Harley.

Your Harley won't complain when you use protection.

If your Harley doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.

You can't get a disease from a Harley.

Your Harley won't care if you fake it.

Harleys are always ready to stop when you are.

Your Harley has a built in vibrator.

Your Harley doesn't have to show off in front of other Harleys.

Your Harley won't lie to you.

Your Harley doesn't care how heavy you are.

In the morning, your Harley won't poke you in the back when it wants to go for a ride.

Your Harley won't shrink when it's cold.

If your Harley can't fire up, you can just replace the battery.

You don't have to cook for your Harley.

Your Harley can't ride around behind your back.

If your Harley is cold you can choke it.

Your Harley is always the right size because if it seems too small you can just get a new one.

You can keep photos of your old Harleys.

Your Harley would rather go for a ride than watch sports.

Your Harley can go for multiple rides.

Harleys don't need pick-up lines.

You only have to ride your Harley when you want to.

Your Harley won't go for rides by itself.

If baldness occurs, you can replace the tires.

Harleys don't snore.

Your Harley will never leave you or break your heart!

You can get a sore butt from riding your Harley and your friends won't make fun of you!

If you take care of your Harley, it will never get to old for you to ride it.

Your Harley will never make you sleep in the wet spot.

You don't necessarily need a shower before and after you take your Harley for a ride.

You aren't expected to blow your Harleys tail pipe.
You can always get a newer model with no hassles.

A Harley is actually valuable.
If your Harley gets bad gas, you don't have to leave or die, just pour in a gas additive.
If you go out without your Harley, it won't ask you where you've been, who you were with, and what you did when you come home.

You don't have to buy beer for your Harley.

You don't have to share your paycheck with your Harley. Now that one is debatable!!!

Your Harley will never ***** at you if you mount it improperly.

You don't have to stroke your Harley to get it to perform. You and a friend can ride a Harley at the same time (in public even) and it won't get mad if the pics end up on the internet!!!