FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES...
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat ... been out a while.
Better be a reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie.

AND THE BEST ONE:
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes
Excellent condition $1,000 or best offer
No longer needed, got married last month.
Wife knows everything

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you
forever.I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving
away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


Dear Ex-Husband -

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true
that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with
MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the
$49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.
But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer
said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this,

but my sister Carla was

born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."





The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."



Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..




Up to 80. "I want the car, too," he continues.




85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"




The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"




The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"




Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,The wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."







Moral of the Story :
Women are crazy!!!!

a little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. the parents stop and his mom quickly dismount, pulling the covers around her.

"what were you and dad doing?" the boy asks his mom.

"well your dad has a big tummy and sometimes i have to get on top of it to help flatten it," she explaing.

"your wasting your time," says the boy

"when you go shopping the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it right back up"

my pleasure!

honestly when i first read this i was like this is so fake!!! lol but its seriously true... try it out with a calculator hahah

This is too funny - I still have tears in my eyes!

It's funny

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".

12)The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Two Newfoundland fishermen, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite
bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going
through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the
community college, and sign up for some classes."

Bob agrees that it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of
Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.
"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a lawn mower?" "Yeah."

"Then logically speaking, because you own a lawn mower, I think that you
would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think
logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house"
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must
have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be
heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of
that because I have a lawn mower."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to
go meet Bob at the bar.
He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English,
History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"
Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a lawn mower?"

"No."
"Then you're a queer.

Test for Dementia> >> >


B elow are four ( 4 ) questions and a bonus> > question. You have to answer them instantly. You> > can't take your time, answer all of them immediately> > . OK?> >> >> >

Let's find out just how clever you really are....> >> >> >> > Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >

















First Question:> >> > Y ou are participating in a race. You overtake the> > second person. What position are you in?> >> >> >> >>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~> >> >> >> >> >> >





Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you> > are> > absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person> > and you take his place, you are second!> >> > Try not to screw up next time.> > Now answer the second question,> > but don't take as much time as you took for the> > first question, OK ?> >> >












Second Question:> > I f you overtake the last person, then you are...?> > (scroll down)> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~> >> >> >> >> >> >





Answer: If you answered that you are second to last,> > then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you> > overtake the LAST Person?> >> >> > You're not very good at this, are you?> >> >> >> >> >> >









Third Question:> > V ery tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in> > your head on ly.> > Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.> >> >> >> >> > Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 .> > Now add 30.> > Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000> > Now add 10 . What is the total?> >> > Scroll down for answer.....> >> >> >







Did you get 5000 ?> >> > The correct answer is actually 4100.> >> >> >> > If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!> >> > Tod ay is definitely not your day, is it?> > Maybe you'll get the last question right....> > ....Maybe.> >> >> >




Fourth Question:> >> > Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene,> > 3. Nini,> > 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~> >> >> > Did you Answer Nunu?> > NO! Of course it isn't.> > Her name is Mary. Read the question again!> >> >> >> >















Okay, now the bonus round:> >> > A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a> > toothbr ush. By> > imitating the action of brushing his teeth he> > successfully> > expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase> > is> > done.> > Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to> > buy a pair of> > sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >> >>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~> >> >> >> >> > He just has to open his mouth and ask...> > It's really very simple !!!!!!!