An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another" trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong b*&%h out the window."

hahaha! nice one.

East, West, North or South - evil men rule because good men sit and do nothing! Plain and Simple.

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me—it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.

She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”


The moral of this story is....
Always keep your condoms in the car.

Go confidently in the directions of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined.

- Henry David Thoreau

A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.” The small guy faints.

The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, “What’s wrong with you?”

The small guy says, “Excuse me, but what did you say?”

The big dude looks down and says, “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.”

The small guy says, “Thank God! I thought you said ‘Turn around’.”

5 THINGS YOU PROBABLY NEVER KNEW YOUR MOBILE PHONE COULD DO...

There are a few things that can be done in times of grave emergencies. Your mobile phone can actually be a life saver or an emergency tool for survival. Check out the things that you can do with it:


FIRST: Emergency

The Emergency Number worldwide for Mobile is 112.

If you find yourself out of the coverage area of your mobile; network and there is an emergency,

dial 112 and the mobile will search any existing network to establish the emergency number for you, and interestingly this number 112 can be dialed even if the keypad is locked. Try it out...

SECOND: Have you locked your keys in the car?

Does your car have remote keyless entry? This may come in handy someday.

Good reason to own a cell phone: If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home, call someone at home on their mobile phone from your cell phone.

Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the mobile phone on their end. Your car will unlock.

Saves someone from having to drive your keys to you.

Distance is no object. You could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other ' remote ' for your car, you can unlock the doors (or the trunk)...

Editor ' s Note: It works fine! We tried it out and it unlocked our car over a mobile phone! '

THIRD: Hidden Battery Power

Imagine your mobile battery is very low. To activate, press the keys *3370#

Your mobile will restart with this reserve and the instrument will show a 50% increase in battery.

This reserve will get charged when you charge your mobile next time.

FOURTH: How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone?

To check your Mobile phone ' s serial number, key in the following digits on your phone: * # 0 6 #

A 15 digit code will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your handset..

Write it down and keep it somewhere safe. When your phone get stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them this code. They will then be able to block your handset so even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless.



You probably won ' t get your phone back, but at least you know that whoever stole it can ' t use/sell it either. If everybody does this, there would be no point in people stealing mobile phones.


FIFTH : ATM - PIN Number Reversal - Good to Know

If you should ever be forced by a robber to withdraw money from an ATM machine, you can

notify the police by entering your PIN # in reverse. For example, if your pin number is 1234,

then you would put in 4321.

The ATM system recognizes that your PIN number is backwards from the ATM card you placed in the machine. The machine will still give you the money you requested, but unknown to the robber, the police will be immediately dispatched to the location.

As long as burning waves throb
at light’s kiss;
as long as the sun dresses the tattered clouds
in fire and gold;

as long as the breeze carries perfumes and harmonies
in its lap;
as long as there is spring in the world,
there will be poetry!

As long as science fails to discover
the sources of life,
and in the sea or the sky there is an abyss
that resists calculation;

as long as humanity, always advancing,
doesn’t know where it walks;
as long as there is a mystery for mankind,
there will be poetry!

As long as we laugh without laughter
escaping our lips;
as long as we cry without tears
clouding our eyes;

as long as the heart and the head
keep battling;
as long as there are hopes, memories,
there will be poetry!

As long as there are eyes that reflect the eyes that
contemplate them;
as long as there are sighing lips that respond to lips that
sigh for them;

as long as two souls intermingle
in a kiss;
as long as there is a beautiful woman,
there will be poetry!


Gustavo Adolfo Bécquer

One spelling mistake in a hurry can make your life hell...!

Husband wrote a romantic message to his wife on his business trip and missed an "e" in the last word.
Now he is seeking police protection to enter his own house....

He wrote "Hi darling I'm enjoying and experiencing the best time of my life & I wish you were her!

it's not really a shocker, but it's not always like this - you should check, ha.

Did you know that February 2017 is a special month? It has:

*4 Sundays*

*4 Mondays*

*4 Tuesdays*

*4 Wednesdays*

*4 Thursdays*

*4 Fridays*

&

*4 Saturdays*.

This Happens once every *823* years. This is called *money bags*.

A woman takes her lover home during the day while her husband is at work. The 9-year old son comes home early, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. Unexpectedly, the woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is already in there.The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice"

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My Dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250"

Weeks later, it happens that the boy and the lover find themselves in the closet again.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy: "$750"

Man: "Sold"


A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy: "$1,000"

The Dad says, "That's terrible to rip off your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost I'm taking you to church, to confession."

In church, the Dad makes sure the boy goes in to the confessional and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that **** again; you're in my closet now."

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American lady. Although his English wasn't perfect they got along very well.

One day he rushed to the solicitor's and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The solicitor said that getting a divorce would depend on circumstances and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?

Yes, an acre and a half and a nice little home

No, i mean what is the foundation of this case?

It made of concrete

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have a carport and not need one

I mean what are your relations like?

All my relations are in Poland

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

We have hi-fidelity stereo and a good DVD player

Does your wife beat u up?

No i always up before her

Why do you want this divorce?

She going to kill me

What makes you think that?

I got proof

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me

She bought a bottle at drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English well and it say:

POLISH REMOVER!!!!!

Amen to that!

Sometimes we just hear what we want to hear.

At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements.

She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said, "Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight".

I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable!

A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the shoulder and said, "What she really said was: 666136429."

Tom Clancy's RainbowSix Vegas 2
Gran Turismo
Tetris
COD Modern Warfare 3
Soul Calibur
Dead Or Alive
Metal Gear Solid 4
Uncharted
(only on PS3 & 4) ha

The wife tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know anything about Love. Can you explain it to me first?”



“OK, Sweetheart, putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’.


So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.


And then they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.


Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey, the prisoner seems to have escaped.”


Turning on his side, he smiles. “Then we will have to re-imprison him.”


After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes.


But the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”


The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.


She nudges him and says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again.”


Limply turning his head, He yells at her, “Hey, it’s not life imprisonment!”

Exclusively? I'd say around 60-100... something nice like a necklace, ring, perfume or maybe bath and body products.

I attended a crusade and someone touched my shoulder and said ```"YOU WILL WALK"``` I didn't bother because I knew I was not lame. After the crusade I touched my pocket and I couldn't find my wallet which had my fare...

And I WALKED!!