Forgot to mention that I felt like a single parent even when I was with their Dad...anybody know about that?

Being a single parent is hard, confusing and soooooooooo much work. I'm learning so much from my children and everyday I work that much harder to put them first. I swear I don't know how to get back to just me. I want to do stuff like, date or...shop for myself but...I guess all that is out the window. I can't even remember the last time I shopped for myself. Oh yeah, I went to the thrift store and bought two scrubs for work...WOO_HOO! NOT!

I don't want to sound like I am complaining because my kids didn't ask to be here. I have gone to great lengths in trying to figure out what this parenting thing really is about. I didn't have much to work with because the people who raised me didn't have a clue. My parents were...ahh...I don't even want to go there, I will just say, they really didn't know what it was all about either and being strict and doing the same things their parents did to them didn't work.
I have educated myself with time, patience and child-development classes. I learned a lot and most favor Erickson's accord of what kids need at each stage. Although I was "spanked", I put that in parenthesis because spanking is ABSOLUTELY AN UNDERSTATEMENT, I work that much harder to not use that type of discipline with my children. I am afraid that since I was abused, I might turn into an abuser if I really use spanking as a regular disciplinary method. Thus, I have had to work that much harder just to figure out how to really get through to them without taking the easy route and doing what my parents did with belts, extension cords, hands, feet, fist, brooms etc.
My oldest is 11 and will be 12 on the 8th of this November. She is a really good kid, so are my other two ages 7 and 2(both going up an age in December). Anyhow, I mentioned my eldest' age because I can say that I have been working hard on learning how to parent without resorting to my parents tactics for at least 12 years and I pretty much have that part in the bag but am always open to new methods of connecting without beating.

I recently left their father behind as a survivor of domestic violence. I plan to let a year go by before I get into the visitation etc with him because I don't want him using them as a pawn and historically, he has sent them off to family members who would not return them without his word or my threatening to call police.

I can't believe I said so much here...but...I only hope it all evens out. I love my kids to life but...I really wish I had my own life and I don't. With the domestic violence, ALL of my friendships went out the window. I moved about 3 hours away and have been here less than a month. The area is predominantly White while I'm Black. I listen to ALL types of music, they only listen to "this" or "that" and blah blah blah. I work to remain optimistic and look forward to finding a life-long friend. I just never meant to lose me in the whole parenting thing. I miss my ex like a crazy retarded person. I think for the most part, as crazy as it sounds, I would have continued to deal with all of his crap had it not been for my/our children. I have a duty to my children and that is to make their life all that it should be. He didn't physically abuse them at all, I would be in jail for murder surely if he did but...he did play little mind games that I felt were quite unhealthy. He would tell them things about me that were not true. "Your mom has a boyfriend at the grocery store that's why she wants to go by herself"...things of that nature and it just wasn't cool so I had to put my children first as every parent should.
Meanwhile...here I am. I think I may be a lesbian, can't really explore it. Wish I could just go out and have a wonderful time somewhere, with someone doing something...lol.
Ah! I can just picture. I'm all dressed up and I'm getting that, "you look like Beyonce" everywhere I turn...lol those were the days. LOL!
CHEERS TO PARENTHOOD! I love you guys and don't even know ya! Guess I'll go read some stories and ad a little comment here and there. Peace and Blessing to you ALL!