A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the
morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man
gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and
returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he
answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it
is
pouring outside!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we
broke down and those two guys helped us?" "I think
you should help him, and you should be ashamed of
yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes
out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the
dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk

INSTALLING HUSBAND: Tech Support

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?

Signed, Desperate
....................................................................

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You LovedMe.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 plugin and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0!!!
(it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).
Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

yes

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that **** knows I'm smarter than her.

emailed to me... thought I'd share it...

Did u c the williams fight?

I love boxing... although I think Pavlik will win this one,... for Taylor's career he needs to win this...

No offense taken...

no too young

Who ever missed this one need to go check it out... it really is a good one... enjoy

Friday didn't come fast enough this week...

Good morning to u all also.... enjoy

deff a great one...

I agree

that was great....

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of
ten million bucks.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first
place.
It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he
might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10
million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he
embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the
bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're
talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and
says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell
him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard
inQueens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the
trigger."

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No tits
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Biatch
Wants Soul mate - Stalker

TOP TEN THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A PREGNANT WIFE:

10. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."

9. "I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

8. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."

7. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

6. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby."

5. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl."

4. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

3."I finished the Oreo's."

2. "Darned if you ain't due for a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant...

1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger."

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY
......¶¶¶¶¶¶....¶¶¶¶¶¶
....¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶ ¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶
..¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶..¶¶¶¶¶¶
¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶..,¶¶¶¶¶¶
¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶..¶¶¶¶¶¶¶
¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶..¶¶¶¶¶¶¶
. ¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶
....¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶
.....¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶
.......¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶
.........¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶
...........¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶
............¶¶¶¶¶¶
..............¶¶

creative profile... .... good luck with ur search