lol funny....i love it

lol at jess.
think i have been three of them. what a wonderfrul world!!!!!

Fast Driver
My mother has a "lead foot," so I was not surprised when a statetrooper pulled us over as we were speeding through Georgia.
Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked whenthe trooper walked up to the car. "I have never been stopped like this before," she said to theofficer.
"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?"

welcome

awww be nice to the poor ppl.
i like the one with the arthritis...........

thanks to everyone....got a B on the paper....woooooooooooohooooooooo.

this is the question given by the professor:
Compare and contrast the situation of at least 2 people who are trapped, referring to at least two different essay.

oki have to compare and contrast the situation of two authors who are trapped. i chose George Orwell's" shooting an elephant" and jon swift's " A modest Proposal".
can someone steer me in any direction?
so far:---same: both are trapped by the british
differences: orwel is writting for himself
swift is writting to educate the ppl.

i can't think of anyting else.

1) which do u mostly do in the summer

fish
hunt
ride fourwheelers
clean the house



2) What does D.K. stand for to u

Donkey Kong
Drink Kegs
I could care less
BACKWARDS IT SAYS KILL DUCKS
DEER KILLING



3) WHAT 2 DAYS OF THE WEEK START WITH T

TODAY AND TOMARROW
TUESDAY AND THURSDAY
MONDAY AND SATURDAY
I like beer



4) WHATS IN YOUR CLOSET

A BEER KEG
DIRTY CLOTHES
SUITS AND TIES
MATCHES AND BLOWTORCHES WEEEEEEE!
FIREWORKS



5) WHATS THE LAST THING A REDNECK SAYS BEFORE THEY DIE.

HEY YALL WATCH THIS
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!
I WONDER WHAT THAT IS
HUH! I WONDER WHAT THIS TASTES LIKE
dammit


6) WHAT IS YOUR PET.

ALLIGATOR
SNAKE
DOG
CATS
DON'T HAVE A PET




7) DO YOU LIKE TO BLOW STUFF UP OR CATCH IT ON FIRE

Yes
No
I'M DOING IT RIGHT NOW
I LIKE WATER
Do pipe bombs count



8) WHATS GOD'S FIRST NAME.(get the answer from these lines)And he walks with me and he talks with me and he tells me i am his own

ANDY
BOB
JESUS
HE HAS NO FIRST NAME



9) HOW MANY SECONDS ARE IN A YEAR

ALOT
12
999999999999999999999999999999999999
WHATS THE POINT IN THIS QUESTION



10) WHICH IS NOT A BEER (DON'T MIND THE SPELLING)

CORONA
BUDLIGHT
JACK DANIELS
Beer CO
Drug CO

reign over me---7

transformers----9

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. As he stood by his car to drink his cola, he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on.

The other man came along behind and filled in the hole.

While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road.

"I can't stand this," said the man, tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

"Well, we work for the county," one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow.

"Normally there's three of us ... me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back.

Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean that Mike and me can't work."

Getting Into the Olympics
Three guys were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."

Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.

The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."

The first guy gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."

The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"

The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up to the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."

The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."

They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan, because he's a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories.

Just then he walks proudly up to the table with a roll of barbed wire under his arm and states: "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."

Dead Hick
Emily Sue passed away and Billy-Bob called 911. The 911 Operator told Billy-Bob that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Billy-Bob replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Billy-Bob said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

It's A Boy...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back in the woods, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon a baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's Yet another one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern... It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,
"Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

Learn how ta Speak Redneck

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BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts."

RANCH - noun. A tool.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck
my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck,
that things gonna catch far."

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar
in my pickup truck."

FLARES: The colorful, sweet-smelling part of a plant.
Usage: "If yo wife's mad at ya, it's smart to take her some flares."

DAYUM: A cuss word Rhett Butler used in "Gone With the Wind."
Usage: "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a dayum."

IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work,
your bahs is gonna far you!"

CENT: Plural of cent.
Usage: "You paid five dollars for that necktie? Ah wouldn't give fiddy cent for it."

BAWL: What water does at 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
Usage: "That gal cain't even bawl water without burnin' it."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that
Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ.
Usage: "Pa dun had a hot attack." HOD - adverb. Not easy.
Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Et-lanna, and boy my arms are tarred."

SAAR: The opposite of sweet.
Usage: "These pickles Sure are saar."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."

OVAIR: In that direction.
Usage: "Where's yo paw, son?" "He's ovair, suh."

LOT - adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."

FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"

BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson
recently toured the University of Alabama?"

MUCHABLIGE: Thank you.
Usage: "Muchablige for the lift, mister."

IDINIT: Term employed by genteel Southerners to avoid saying Ain't.
Usage: "Mighty hot today, idinit?"

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

SEED - Seen, past tense.
VIEW - Have You?
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"

HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"

PHRAISIN: Very cold.
Usage:"Shut that door. It's phraisin in here."

GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!

The Healing Touch

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "my treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!" He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress once again nodded that it was, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, "on my bill."

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back to his legs, got up and danced a jig right out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked up to the Redneck.

The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me... I'm drawin' disability!

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the "United States Redneck Special Forces".

These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday

way to go granny....lol

strangest job: WAS a devoted wife

dream job: math professor

don't worry coco.

I hope tomorrow will bring better you, better me
I know that we'll show this world we got more we could be
So you should never give up on your hopes and your dreams
You gotta get up, get out, get into it, get it on to be strong

If we try, we can fly to a whole 'nother place
all we need is belief and a smile on our face
We can go anywhere we want, any road we decide to take
and we're never, never, never too far from tomorrow today

If tomorrow is light in a place where there is none
Then know that now is the time to have faith in us all
Ya know we're all in this world and we all can belong
We gotta get up, get out, get over it, get it on to be strong

If we try, we can fly to a place in the sun
all we need is precious dreams and a friend we can trust
We can go (any)where we want, any road that we can take
and we're never too far from tomorrow today.

Everybody say tomorrow is just for us to share
and we're gonna send our message of love out ev'rywhere
There's a promise of love tomorrow has
Something special and it's something we know will last and last

'Cause we're never far away, never
One thing I can always be sure of
Far away, no never the promise of today

If we try, we can fly to a whole 'nother place
all we need is belief and a smile on our face
We can go anywhere we want, any road we decide to take
and we're never, never, never too far from tomorrow today

Ev'rybody say tomorrow is just for us to share
and we're gonna send a message of love out ev'rywhere
There's a promise of love tomorrow has
Something special and it's something we know will last and last

Ev'rybody say tomorrow is just for us to share
and we're gonna send a message of love out ev'rywhere
There's a promise of love tomorrow has
Something special and it's something we know will last and last

'Cause we're never far away, never
One thing I can always be sure of
Far away, no never the promise of today