A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the desk sergeant.

“No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

Well, here is some difference between jokes and reality.

It’s a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She’s wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the sheer dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. He tells her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and
flirt with the ape. She does and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall; she does, and the gorilla is so excited, he’s just about to tear the bars down.

The husband then suggests that the wife lift her dress up above the thighs... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, “Now, tell him you have a headache.”

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”

Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the People. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.”

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.”

The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”

The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****.”

Moishe and Sadie, hoping to get rid of their Rabbi, decided to trap him by exposing his hypocrisy when his wife went to Israel to visit her family.

The Rabbi was working at home, as he usually did on Wednesday mornings, preparing his Shabbat sermon, when the doorbell rang. When he opened the door, there was Sadie standing outside. She opened her coat, revealing that she was nude, except for a small frilly white apron.

“Do you want to play games?” Sadie asked, “I’ll be Caron, the French maid.”

“Wonderful, wonderful,” the Rabbi said, “come right in and take off your coat.”

He looked Sadie over and said, “OK, let’s play. You’re the maid and I’m the housewife. I’m going out to have lunch with a couple of my friends, and while I’m gone, you’re going to start in the kitchen. Be careful with the crockery and don’t mix up the silverware. OK?”

Happy Shabbat and best wishes to everyone.

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they’re all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. “Well,” he says, “I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of
God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.”

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, ” WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.”

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, “Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.”

Very interesting topic. Most interested in comments that most comments posted by the people who never been married or have no idea what is sexless marriage mean.

You, who thinks that if there sexless life in marriage happens than you should divorce and start search as single. Simple logic take that conclusion that person in sexless marriage should give up kids, house, partner he/her love, friend, mutual memories etc. etc. etc... just because he/her have some natural physical needs...

Therefore you call that person to destroy his/her entire life for sex. But when someone said I looking for sex, you try to mentor that person to have love first...

That is paradox my friends, give up love for sex and don't get sex before you promise love...

Take it easy, that is not only 50 shades of grey, there is millions shades of millions of colors...


Matt.7.
[1] Judge not, that ye be not judged.
[2] For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.
[3] And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?

Well... is serial killer who being just himself is good enough?

A man walking on the beach sees a bottle, picks it up, and a genie comes out, “I’ve been in there for 1000’s of years, I’ll grant you one wish”.

“Well” pauses the man, “I have always wanted to go to Hawaii, but could never afford the plane ticket, or the cruise, can you build a bridge?

“Man, quite the wish, I mean the concrete, the pave, the steel, you know what you are asking for, this is complicated. Would you have anything simpler in mind?

“I have always wanted to know how women think”, says the man, “why they react the way they do, why they do all that they do”.

“Will that be 2 lanes or 4 on the bridge?”

=======================================================

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says “Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes.”

The man says “Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account.”

Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, “Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here.”

Phoof! There is a flash of light and abright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, “Finally, I want to be irresistible to women.”

Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

=======================================================

A cowboy was riding his horse across his pasture. A snake spooked his horse and bucked the cowboy off. The cowboy cursed at the snake and yelled, “Don’t bite me!”

The snake said, “No, I’m a genie snake. I can give you three wishes. What would you like me to grant you?”

The cowboy thought for a minute and said, “A million dollars in the bank.”

The snake said, “Granted, next.”

Again the cowboy thought. Then said, “The most beautiful wife in the world.”

The snake said, “Granted, next.”

Then with a great big smile on his face he said, “I want to be hung like my horse.”

The snake said, “Granted” and slithered off.

The cowboy got on his horse and rode home as fast as the horse would take him. He ran into the house and into his bedroom. There stretched across his bed in a sexy negligee was the most beautiful woman in the world. So he picked up the phone called the bank and asked for his balance. The bank told him he had one million and forty nine dollars. He rushed into the bathroom, unzipped his pants and let out the most blood curdling cry.

“Dammit, I forgot I was riding OLD NELLIE!”

=======================================================

A man walking down the beach sees an old bottle in the sand and begins to play kick-the-bottle to amuse himself. After a while he picks it up, and a pissed-off genie emerges.

She says, “normally I grant 3 wishes, but in your case, you son-of-a-*****, I am going to grant only 1.”

The man thinks a minute and says, “Okay, I want to wake up with 3 women in my bed.”

She says, “So be it!”, and disappears back into the bottle.

Next morning, the guy wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton. He has no penis, a broken leg, and no health insurance.

Take someone in bed with you. Someone who can can sing a lullaby for you...

This woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.
He asks "What for?"
She says "I want to kill my husband".
He says "Sorry, I can’t do that".
She then reaches into her handbag and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife and hands it to him.
He says, "You didn’t tell me you had a prescription..."

Does this comment mean:

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the "Shopping for a Husband" store's owner opened a "New Wives" Store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, “Well, that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, “That’s great, but I wonder what’s further up?” And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
“Hmmm, better” she says. “But I wonder what’s upstairs?”
The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
“Wow!” exclaims the woman, “very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!” And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
“Oh, mercy me! But just think… what must be awaiting me further on?” So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 2,875,953 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

1. BBW
2. SSBBW
3. Did I mention BBW?

Lakelady welcome to the club.


Just want to say you're beautiful and I wish you best of luck!

Dodo LOL, great picture, never saw it before.