I find it interesting that you chose to compare a mythological creature with a large, but nimble and intelligent mammal we fear that exists in an environment foreign to humans. Something fishy, indeed...
First of all, I don't think being overweight can be equated with an animal that swims almost incessantly to an ice cream eating, overweight mammal who chooses not to exercise.
Secondly, as humorous as your diatribe might be to some people, the fact that being obese is not only ungainly and annoying to those who have to be subjected to their girth, but is also medically and socially unsound thinking. 15 minutes a day could easily alleviate the problem in most people, but they instead choose to intake more than their output of calories and then justify it by leaning on social prejudices as their mantra. And NOBODY enjoys being ostricized.
Lastly, coffee, family and intelligence or experience hardly contribute to obesity; if anything, they'd cause you to lose weight(caffeine, insomnia and the knowledge of your physical demise!), unless you lived with house full of couch potatoes!

I often wonder why people who speak broken English(or any other language not too well), insist on testing their skills by trying to seduce others so awkwardly. I think the first thing I would ask for is help!