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| Topic: HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL. | |
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1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cats’ mouth, and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding the pill in the right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into the cats’ mouth, and allow the animal to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor, and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open, and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth closed for a count of ten. 4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl, and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from the garden. 5. Kneel on the floor, with the cat firmly wedged between the knees. Hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold the cats head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into the cats mouth. Drop pill down ruler, and rub cats’ mouth vigorously. 6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy a new ruler, and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 7. Wrap cat in large towel, and get spouse to lie on cat with its’ head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with a pencil, and blow down drinking straw. Check pill is not harmful to humans. Drink a glass of water to take taste away. Apply sticking plaster to spouses forearm, and remove blood from carpet with hot water and salt/soap. 8. Retrieve cat from neighbours shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with a spoon. Flick pill down throat with an elastic band. 9. Fetch screwdriver from garage, and cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek, and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw T-shirt away, and fetch a new one from the bedroom. 10. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. 11.Tie cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine, and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into cats mouth, followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically, and pour two pints of water down cats throat to wash the pill down. 12. Get spouse to drive you to the casualty department of the local hospital. Sit quietly while the doctor stitches fingers and forearm, and remove remnants of pill from right eye. Call in at furniture shop on the way home to order a new table. 13. Arrange for Animal welfare to collect cat, and ring local pet shop to see if they have any dogs. HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL. 1. Wrap the pill in bacon.  
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