NEW RULES FOR ENTERING ALBERTA:





1. Bring your own house.

2. If you are going to the Oil Sands, bring your own house, school,
and hospital.

3. If you are going to Edmonton, wear your flak jacket. This is the
murder capital of Canada.

4. If you are driving to Edmonton, note that it is also the auto
theft center of Canada.

5. If you are bringing drugs, head straight to Fort McMurray, the
drug capital of Canada.

6. If you are looking for work, look no further. Minimum wage is
$7.00 per hour.

7. If you work downtown, note that parking costs $20.00 per hour or
more.

8. If you are able to buy a house in Edmonton, or Calgary, why not
spend the money on a 15 year holiday.

9. If you drive a Hummer, look out. Alberta has the highest gas
prices in Canada [The Alberta Advantage].

10. In Edmonton we have 5 hospitals. 10 years ago we had 7. Don't
Come here sick.

11. In Calgary the population has exploded. The last road was paved
12 years ago. Calgary is a no parking zone.


NEW CALGARY RULES OF THE ROAD:

1. You must first learn to pronounce the name correctly -- it is:

"CAL-GREE". The second 'A' is redundant.

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00am to noon. The evening rush
hour is from noon to 8:00pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday
morning and ends on Saturday night.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 130 kph. On
Deerfoot, you are expected to match the speed of the airplanes
coming in for a landing at the airport. Anything less is considered
"Wussy".

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Calgary now has
its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the
loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the
biggest tires go second. However, Calgary, SUV-driving, cell
phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended,
cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense
that can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Calgary . . .
Detour barrels are moved around each night to make the next day's
driving a bit more exciting, but nothing ever gets finished, and
more new construction starts everyday.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs,
cats, deer, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded
tires, garbage, squirrels, rabbits, crows, and coyotes feeding on
any of these items.

9. In Calgary, 16th Avenue, TransCanada, and "Hwy #1" are all the
same road.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the
shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally
activated."

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 110 in a 80-90 kph
zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off"
accordingly. If you return the flip, you will be shot.

12. For winter driving, it is advisable to wear your parka, toque,
fur lined mittens and mukluks. Make sure you have a shovel, food,
candles and blankets in the vehicle, as snow removal from the city
streets is virtually non-existent until the spring thaw.

zzzZZZzzz....*jumps up* eh...wha...oh sorry,i just got sooooo bored cause it was too long to read